My Days

Episode 118: i'd rather not hang it on my big white wall

2006-04-28T03:57:00.000-07:00

and to think about it. a piece of art is best to be kept in museum. a place where it will be treated with dignity. it will be cared. it will be protected, perhaps restored if damaged. but as for myself, realistically speaking, i dont think i will be much of a help for the maintainence. although i am very passionate about art, but as far as the passion goes, i dont have the time, the tools, the money, and the reputation to maintain a piece of art.
but dont get me wrong, i would so love to hang one at home. and when i feel happy, i look at it. when i feel like shit, i look at it. when i feel anxious, i look at it. i could frame it, wood, gold, silver, bronze, aluminum, any material that you can name. i can stay up all night and talk story to it, although that might be the case of insanity, but at least it's under my possession, there's a sense of loyalty, a sense of specialty. it's like, out of billion pieces of artwork, you picked that special piece. and no matter how you look at it, it wont change, your feelings wont change. it's like day one, it never gets old.
but i dont have the energy, the resource, the time to keep up with it. sure the first few month is great. you get to look at it everyday. but you gotta make room for the upkeep. what if i dropped it? do i have the tool to repair it? am i skillful enough to perform a restoration on it? and it's probably boring to stay in one frame. i can afford wooden frames, but what about gold frames? silver frames? or other metalic frames? i dont even know if i can handle buying multiple wooden frames for the exchange. so behind all those great feelings about owning a piece of art, comes the real issues. the problems that seem non-important at first, but gradually escalate into a bigger flame.
so my best bet, is to let others take care of it. and i surely hope that they can do a much better than me at maintainence. there're things that i couldnt provide that others could. it's sad that, in my hands i couldnt give it a golden frame, but perhaps in the hands of others it will recieve a better treatment. though i no longer feel the specialty, but at least i know it's in good hands.

so at the end of the day, on the flat white wall, the tightly screwed nail hangs no art. sometimes you look at it, you'd love to believe it's there, but it's not. so you begin to imagine how would it feel like if there is one. you cant quite get the feeling right, well, because it's in your head. you dont own a piece of art. you'd love to think that you hang one on your wall, but you dont. it's that mysterious feeling that gets you. you always wonder, would a piece of art deliver more palettes to my pale empty wall? or would the emptyness of the wall affect the composition? too busy? too plain? you cant answer it correctly, becuase there isnt one to be looked upon.

so you stand back, and give it a big salute.

Episode 117: take your gradeschool shit somewhere else

2006-04-22T03:45:00.000-07:00

i was working today and one of my instructor came before me.
so i waved at her and said "hi", she did the same, and she approached me.
"how are you today?" i asked
"im fine, just fine"
"that's cool"
"last night i got back in the room after you guys left i found out that someone drew a picture of me with horns and pitchfork. and says thanks for ruining my life."
it hit me like a brick, matter of fact, i knew who did it, but i didnt want to say anything, right now it's really not a good time to get involved with anything, gut instinct tells me.
"what.. is that some kind of joke?"
"i dont know, but i think the picture was funny"
"ugh.. who would do that" i dont mean to lie to her, but i dont want to give too much comment on it either
"who knows, but it's funny" she smiled and walked away from the frontdesk. but i knew it wasnt the true emotion deep down. i think she's pretty upset. matter of fact, im upset. why?
because people are literally KIDS, immature, candy-wanting KIDS. seriously, this is middleschool shit, why the fuck are you taking it to college? ruining your life? has anyone mentioned to you that IT'S YOUR CHOICE TO GO TO SCHOOL?
i really feel sorry for my instructor. she tries hard, she worked hard, just not as good as other instructors because she's new to teaching. but still, people talk shit behind her, people dont respect her, and pull these gradeschool-prank-shit on her. if this is to happen in china, you're long dead. respect doesnt come from beating others into submission. my instructor probably has more experience working in the industry than any of those mother fuckers, i just dont understand why someone who's willing to take so much shit and do unimaginable things still has the heart to stand in front of us and teach. come on, can you even sleep well after doing that?

i have to admit that i was a little bit biased when it comes to ranking instructors in my school. it's sad to say that she didnt make it into my list of excellent instructors. but i still respect her, because she's knows a lot more than i do, she just cant express it as well as other instructors.

now, down the road, will i tell her who did the drawing?
really if you look at it, it's just little stuff, i dont want to get involved in anything, so i probably wont
am i worried that she now suspects of me, and have skewed her attitude toward me?
passed on by generations, here's one of my favorite family quotes translated:

"peopel can have their witch hunt all they want, if you didnt do it, you didnt do it."

as for that person who drew that picture.
i sincerely hope that your life's not in turmoil currently as described.

Episode 115: put on some make up! uh uh!

2006-04-17T04:31:00.000-07:00

so where were we last time, oh, right
so why do i think spinning objects are beautiful
now artistically speaking, there're 3 types of lines, 1. horizontal+vertical, 2. diagonal 3. curves. horizontal and vertical lines give a sense of tranquility and stableness, this is taught in principal of visual communication 1st year, it's like math 101. diagonal lines evoke motions, they are moving on the page, they give a sense of direction and action, it's lively. then lastly, curves are the most beautiful lines in nature. (hence, women.. ahem) the roman artists love to use straight and angular lines to portrait the hardness of male structure, curvy lines and beautiful colors to give the impression of kind, gentle, and lovely female figures.
now scientifically speaking, everything in this universe are spinning. it may seem like it's still, but it's actually spinning. why? because we are all made by atoms, the building block of matters. and inside an atom, comes the electron and nucleus. now i personally am not too sure if the nucleus spins too, but im certain that electrons spins around the nucleus. though, if atom itself spins, then it would help justify my next statement:
we all spin in a same direction
why? because we're made out of the stars! if an object is a byproduct of another object, it must follow its parents' pattern of rotation!

you cant resist spinning things, especially when they spin in a curved line, that's why it's so dang pretty to see dances and a curved ball. now if we put the spin into actions, and break out from dances and into martial art, that shit's bruce lee quality, too cool for words. spinning objects are everywhere in nature, it's everything.

not gonna put a thank-you-babe banner in this one, mainly because i dont have any other recommendations, though, i smell one coming up soon.
but then again, how pathetic can you be when you are sitting in front of your computer making thank-you-babe banners for your blog? i dont know, got a kick out of it. like i said, keep it to the roots yo, proud man bitch!

though, to be real, a friend of mine told me hot babes are really bad in bed. instead of really enjoying the action, they're too busy taking care of their hair, posing in front of you and yadeeyadah.
so really, is it just about enjoying a snapshot of them in pretty clothings and with a thick layer of makeups?
son... i have no answer to that one, but it's probably true

a grim day for the all of us.

back in high school i had a chemistry teacher who wears a lot of makeup to work. her face is so pale that it's creating a contrast against her neckline. so we often joked, if we shoot a bullet at her face, would the makeup coushion the impact and save her life?

now that shit's gold.

Episode 114: get ready to be misinformed!

2006-04-16T02:39:00.000-07:00

the 1 and a half year's reign of bad damaged hair has finally been put to an end. as much as i dont want to, but it's dragging too long and the new healthy hair is doing much better. so i cut off the bad part, and now, able to spike my hair like wild grass again.
basically i grabbed a small strand of my hair, try to feel the part that's smooth and healthy, and the part that's rugged and jaggy, cut it off with my scissor.
it's the worst haircut ever, but hopefully nobody will notice when it's all spiked. as for when it grows long to a point when i cant spike it anymore... i guess i will make friend with a hat until it's back to its original length.
as for now, hopefully i wont do something stupid to my hair again. though, dont get me wrong, changing hair color is still a fun thing to do, but until we find a safe way to do it (i suggest gene modification), i think im good staying with black. afterall, recoloring is too much pain, and having natural black hair makes those gothic and emo white kids jealous, gotcha bitch.

there's been times that i cross the street and see an empty can sitting in the traffic, in my mind i wanted to see it get crushed by the flowing traffic. though it happens rarely. so, i guess it's time to figure it out mathematically of "what's the chance of an average car crushing a can on the street"?

now if we take an average car width and length, say, 6 ft x 13 ft, and let's not forget the average tire width and length too, say, 0.7 ft x 1 ft. so the next step would be solving the area of the car's ground coverage... 6 x 13 = 78 sq ft. and now we do the same for the tire. why? because the tire's rotation can be seen as a big rectangle moving along with the car, although it only crushes a can on 1 point, but other points on the tire can still be mark as "an incoming oppurtunity" to crush the can. 0.7 x 1 x 4 (there're 4 tires, remember) = 2.8 sq ft.
now it's just simple percentage calculation, use 2.8 divided by 78... and the answer? 0.0358974.... so which means, it's only 3.58974% of chance
what does it mean? whenever there's a car heading toward an empty can on the street, there's only 3.5% of chance that either of the wheels will crush the can or come close to hit the can. pretty slim isnt it? though this isnt the definitely answer, because this is just a quick estimate, one way to point out the flaw of this answer is that, if there're 4 tires in a car, what if all 4 tires are lined up together in a straight line? then the percentage of any tires hitting a can would definitely increase. now if we look at the placement of wheels, the front wheel and the back wheel overlaps each other, which means, if the front wheel cannot hit the can, then the back wheel cant hit it either. so that means....
divide 3.5% by 2? sounds like it i think. 1.75%? is that the final answer?
anyhow, this is probably wrong to the bones, but just something to put down for stupid read. if we look at this realistically:
the chances of a car crushing an empty can on a road is pretty slim, i doubt it's really just 1.75%. but if we comprae the size of the car and the size of the tire, it's definitely reasonable to conclude that the percentage would be lower than 50%.
so is that why i dont always see a car crushing a can on the street? probably.
if you think otherwise, or have gathered some accurate information about the car's dimension and tire's measurement, let me know, hopefully i wont be charged for "wronging the public".

i know what you're about to say.
woot i win!

Episode 113: a big big thank you, lolita fashion!

2006-04-15T06:38:00.000-07:00

now, i have a strict policy about posting shits from youtube.com. i dont hate it, matter of fact, i love it because it's my TV. since i dont have a TV, so i watch youtube for entertainment. (i also listen to podcasts too, you should all go check out some of the stuffs up there, you dont need itunes or an ipod to be able to listen to podcasts, yahoo.com has a good directory for all the podcasts!)
the reason why i dont like to link youtube on my page is because it's so fucking big. the design of the page would be ruined if i link a video on it. but since this is my blog, and the following video met my expectations, i am going to link one this time.
what are my expectations?
1. a woman with long red hair
2. cuddly looking doll
3. at least a british flag, or perhaps some british influences
4. nice jewery and dress
5. feminine is a must
6. nice eyes and juicy lips
7. upbeat songs
though there are more but if i continue writing my expectations then sooner or later i will just be describing the video im about to link
so without furthur adieu, here's it is!
hope you enjoyed it, to be honest, i usually dont like dolls. mainly because ive seen a lot of pictures of those life-like dolls with huge ass eyes that will stare into your soul (if you think im kidding, go find one yourself). but then, i cannot resist the beauty that is Nana Kitade. and because of that, i made her a thank you banner (just like i did for sasha cohen)

i dont know if there're any women reading this blog, but i guess by now you all are pretty offended, sorry if it did but i did what i am supposed to do, what i was compelled to do, what i felt was sweet, but hey, if you wanna suprise your boyfriend or whatever, dress like this one day and wait for him to come back from work/school/whatever, let's see their reaction.

now this blog's pathetic level is probably at:
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rating will probably drop from:
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to:
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but hey, school's been pretty busy and stressful, it's just ways to take off that stress, i mean, yes, all the left hand thing isnt working out anymore...
and next time, we will look into "why i think spinning objects are beautiful", perhaps there're more babe-thank-you banners, perhaps...

Episode 112: it's real, bitch!

2006-04-10T03:19:00.000-07:00

just finished "listening" to the da vinci code by Dan Brown, you heard me, listening. a while back i got my hands on the audio book, i really loved it. im not your everyday reader, matter of fact i get bored easily flipping pages (weird because i much prefer hearing or reading on the computer screen, though the latter would still bore me).
if you want to read the book, but dont like to do actual reading, and want to read it before the movie comes out (http://sodarktheconofman.com for more information), pick up the audio book for The Da Vinci Code, it's worth your time. good narration, excellent voice acting by the reader (it's only 1 guy reading it the whole time, you'll be amazed). i am definitely going to listen to the whole book again for any missing plots and questions.

on the other hand, i would love to give my salute to....

Sasha Cohen!
thank you for making us men feel honored to be able to drool over your precious and lovely figure.

i cannot hide it, day by day i grow more and more obsessive with her (ok, obsessive may not be the right word), and come on, she's just, wonderful. lots of respect for this very talented and pretty figure skating champ, won a silver in the olympic, made us all proud!

sometimes i wonder what's her expectation, then again, right when my train of thought reaches the station, the angel and the devil on my shoulders boarded the train with me.

"if you try your best and strive to be an excellent person, maybe it's not so much of a distant dream afterall" the angel sang
"face it, she out of your league, save yourself some tears and stay in that filthy pit where you belong" the devil laughed

my own desire favors the angel's saying, afterall, there has to be a dream that men would follow, then again, the harsh reality seems to have casted its vote on the devil.
then again, the question: what is reality struck me.
the world that i know of, the world that i call reality, is reality. (well, duh) but if, one day, i meet a person who thinks the earth is flat, and before i convince him that the world is round, i cannot denine that the flattened earth isnt a reality. but that reality is just not within my own vision. afterall, that person believed it to be real before he met me.

so really, did the devil really spoke of the reality? the TRUE TRUE reality? what about the angel? there seem to be two realities now im dealing with. and the two of them both exist in the reality of me considering their existence. now, realizing im probably all mixed up in amist of all these stupid crap, i dont know what's real anymore.

about half a year ago i was so solid, so convinced, so sure that reality is what we can see, what we can hear, what we can grasp in our hands, what we can taste, and what we can, generally, 'feel'. but then, 6 monthes later, i dont know what's real anymore.
news can be fabricated, people can lie, numbers dont always come out right, feelings, and ESPECIALLY feelings, are certainly inaccurate.
then really, we choose to believe what's real and what isnt.

the person whom i met, believed in the past that earth is flat. there's no definite answer straight from heaven, from the gods above all clouds telling him that the earth is definitely flat. but it's his choice to believe that the earth is flat. then again it's his choice to believe in my words that the earth is round, my explainations to him was only presenting evidences that support my statement of the earth's shape. the evidences too, arent exactly straight from gods, or is agreed upon throughout the entire universe.
i think, the earth may be flat... just kidding

if it's the matter of how far are you willing to go, how faithful are you in believing something even though it's "wrong" in the eyes of others, then i can tell you my answer in a heartbeat.

i choose the angel.
why? dont ask me, i dont think i can answer it at this moment.

Episode 111: kid, you're far from it.

2006-04-05T01:16:00.000-07:00

so the result is out. i dont know if this is official, but i take it as it is considering that ive not yet been informed.
i did not qualify to showcase my artwork for the student gallery show. the show's on thursday, it's tuesday, so far no information. i guess it's safe to say that i have been disqualified.
the only regret i have, is not submitting great artworks that possess showcase qualities. (quite obvious)
now i dont know about you guys, but to a degree, art is subjective. after this, i have to say my view on art has changed. not that i become the "bitter poor artist", but i'd rather be a more optimistic and accepting person.
when you are presenting your art, it may be all bad-ass, butt-kicking, chuck norris, and all that goodness, but that's in your head. we may think that "oh yea, i totally went there, ive done it, it's the greatest." but as soon as the rejection stamp prints a big "rejected" on your work, you begin to pick out the mistakes you made.
too flat, no perspective, poor line quality, horrible composition, and one by one you begin to pick them out. so really, there're two options.
1. be a dumbass and ignore all the errors, still think you've done well
2. admit there's a problem, correct it, try again next time

i think that's how it goes. you cant ignore the problems forever, afterall, if it's a problem, it will continue to cause trouble until you correct it.
and that's when i realize, i need to work harder.
there's always next time. another time, for better works. in a way, after seeing all the flaws in my art i was kinda relieved because they wont display them. imagine, it's gonna be a disgrace to the school. really, an art school's worst nightmare is to gain negative criticism from the poor quality of art its student is producing.
"i cant believe the artist goes here for school"
"man, horrible"
"i guess this school is not teaching right afterall"
well, something like that, perhaps worst.
perhaps, if i work hard this year, next year, i might be able to submit something better than this year's.
though a good friend of mine was accepted, and he worked hard to earn it.
take a step back, man, im far from being where i thought i was.

on the other hand, i've been downsized? well im not sure but it seems so. my work schedule's changed to all night shift. night shift only handles loaning equipments out for students and making photo copies. what night shift doesnt handle is color print requests, which involves with accepting cash, processing request forms and customer services.
does that mean i have poor customer service?
probably. i cant use "im new to work" as an excuse now. but looking back, i kinda do lack the customer service experience and there's been times that i pissed off my customers because i didnt know what the fuck to do. so i guess the whole downsizing is about taking away the exposure to customer service for me. no more screw ups, no more bad services, stick to the basic of doing photocopies and loaning equipments. in a way i feel bad about not doing my job right, and not meeting the standard.
worst comes to worst, i might switch as a lab monitor. or take away some of my desk shift and take some monitoring shifts.
i guess my vision of being the best employee got a bit blurry, though, i am still aiming for that shit.

whoever said making it big is ever easy? but that doesnt mean you should quit what you're doing when you encouter a problem. as for now, all thoughts on finding a solution.

the days get pretty tough, suck it up.

Episode 110: the fallen leaves

2006-04-03T05:57:00.000-07:00

夜静悄地凝望着这梦中都市斗室中幽幽的黑暗里
这张唱片轻盘旋
怨怨的歌声里倾诉着爱念你那天交给我叮嘱我着意
我却有点不经意今天领会意义
无奈现已失去你
缘份盼会似你这张唱片般歌声始终永未变异
愿能让爱念轻抚你心
热情地渗入当天每段往事回来让我热烈地用爱修补冷冷空虚
我永远也不再被无奈占据
my love my love my love
my love

at times when things get tough, i always remind myself, there's no such thing as fate. i dont believe in fate, i try not to, everything's a coincident, it's just rolling dice, sometimes you get a 3, sometimes you get a 6, and sometimes, the dice roll off the table, and you lose it. i refuse to believe the existance of this invisible hand behind all events, controlling the outcome.

if there is a fate, then fate is a fucking bitch. fate screwed up our lives, fate ruins our day, and fate made us laugh, fate made us cry. should i thank fate? or should i learn to hate it?

before mom left. they are both hardworking people. really, back in the 80s china was just opening up to the western world. china opened its door, and small businesses begin to emerge. everyone was hardworking back then, although it's under the control of a communistic government, but people had hope. they hoped for a better future. my dad, my mom had hopes too.

but you see, it's a sacrifise. basically, their hope was, work as hard as possible, save money, send me to college, at least i will have a better future, at least their grandchildren, which is my children, wont suffer like them. chances are, they wont live to see it happen, but still, it's the thinking of "doing something for the family" that kept them going. and every time i thought of it, i cry.
mom and dad begin to save up money, it's not much to begin with, but there's a saying in chinese that, "ten thousand things have difficult beginnings". it's hard to start on anything, but once you have the foundation, the rest is just time.

sadly, western industrial standard wasnt the only thing that invaded china. as soon as the door was open, western culture rushed in.
that's the time when wearing jean was cool, that's the time when wearing shade was hip, that's the time when going to karaoke, going to disco is "what you were supposed to do". western culture began to pour in, people in mainland china began to learn and adapt from hong kong and southern cities (because they have ports which allowed trading and traveling by sea from the west).

when i was really young, once, i heard my parents talking about one of their co-workers, it's something about an affair. later i realize, my parents' co-worker filed a divorce with her husband because she met another man at the club. back in the 80s and early 90s, it's rare to see divorce. afterall, life was simple, there's no clubs to go to, no nothing, the only reason why you would like to divorce is probably because your husband is a criminal or he commits to domestic violence, but still, those problems can be solved, and getting a divorce was really pushing the limit.

i thought to myself, "mom loves dad, and so is dad, there's no way that's going to happen to me, no way".
that day, i gambled with fate.

i lost.

mom starts hanging out with a bunch of guys at work. dad doesnt really care, afterall, it's good to have friends. the guys invited mom to karaoke, dad refused to go. he rather stay home and paint than to go to that filthy pit. ive been to those clubs several times, they turned off the lights, and you can only see a stage with couple tvs in front of you, and people would go up the stage and sing, and they would party, have "fun". some karaoke have boothes. ive been to a few, actually sang a couple songs. i was seven.

one of the guys in the group started hitting on my mom. i didnt know shit back then. if i'd knew that was happening, i could of done something, then again, what do you expect out of a seven years old? it always amazes me that, looking at kids nowadays, they know a lot more than i did back when i was at their age. but then again, isnt every generation like this?
dad caught mom dating that guy several times. everytime he would drag mom home, and they would fight, they yell at each other, and nothing's solved. but at the end, mom always promise dad that she would stop seeing that person. and always, dad would forgive her. afterall, they are husband and wife, dad trusted her, many times.

again, and again, and again, and again, dad caught mom with that guy. and every time, mom lies to dad, and the cycle repeats. and every time they fight, i had to stay with my neighbors because the house is a mess, nobody will cook, there's no laughter in the house, no story time, nobody help me on my homework. and dad sits in the corner, depressed, frustrated. so was my heart, but i was young, i didnt know how to hate.
when you hate someone. a lot of times we just want to give that person a bad time. but that's not the real essense of hatred. i hate that person, i do not want him to exist. if i can find a way to track that person down, i will throw away my future, i will throw away my friends, i will throw away everything, and i will make sure that person cease to exist. because i am willing to give up everything, for he has ruined my life, i will respond in kind.
and that's when you understand the true power of hatred, and you begin to fear it, you dont want to unleash it, you are afraid to hate, you learn to love because it can supress hatred.

slowly, mom's attitude toward the family changed. she no longer loves dad, and me. she starts spending our savings, and spends it on clubbing, spends it on dating that person, spends it on pretty clothes, spends it on make up.

at the end. dad gave up. a divorce was in motion.
a swift breeze swept away the leaves on the branch, one by one, they fell to the ground.

sometimes i wonder. if there's really a choice in life. can we really choose the path. mom and dad never had a choice back then, it was work or die. but because of that, mom met that person, and because of that, mom changed, and because of that, they divorced, and because of that, dad remarries, and ultimately, we moved to america. i did not choose this path from the beginning, i wanted a home, i wanted my parents to love each other, i wanted a lot of things that i deserve, but was never in my hands.
if you cant choose your path, then why try? why fight? why continue?

because, when i was seven, i never fought against fate. i never spoke my feelings. i never tried to stop mother from seeing that person, i never tried to interfere the divorce, i just stood there, and watched.

everyday for the rest of my life, the moment i wake up, i face the question. "what would my life be like, if mom's back"

if you dont fight, if you dont do anything to TRY to change your life. the consequence is not the frightening part, rather, your guilt will be your worst enemy.

if you gave in the effort to at least try. even though it's obvious that you cant change your life, at least you tried, at least when you were asked, you have a respond. at least you set an example for others to follow, to try to change their lives too. at least, you wont be like me.

no matter how hard you try to lie to yourself, no matter how optimistic you can be, what's done is done. and i realize it's not necessary to answer to my question anymore. because i know, mom's never coming back and i can never change the past.

slowly, i picked up the leaves, and carefully place them in my pocket.

Episode 116: Daddy tripped...

2006-04-01T03:44:00.000-08:00

monster the energy drink is the craziest and the meanest shit...

today is the routine hellish thursday featuring all 3 classes back to back to back. woke up today feeling uber sick, so i actually got to school late, not to mention i was running on 2 hours of sleep, so i thought id get some energy drink.

i used to drink full throttle, i dont drink it religiously, but every once in a while i will buy one. but today, i swear to god im gonna puke if i ever tasted any energy drink again...

i had a Monster XXL in the morning. little did i know it was 3 serving packed in 1. you're not suppose to chug'em down fast. just when i got to my painting class in the afternoon daddy felt the sudden-but-nonsense-adrenaline-rush. that's right, i couldnt sit still. i was on high alert, and i was active like a muther-trucker.

but it doesnt stop here...
i went and bough another bottle of Monster, this one regular size... why? i have no idea, i think i was so high to the point where i couldnt think clear. so after i downed the second can, things went wrong. and when i say wrong, i mean wrong wrong, shit-like wrong.

if anything my heart's beating so fast it would make hiphop beats seem like childplay. i was having heart burn, stomach ache, gas up my throat, unable to concentrate, basically it was torture... i think i overdozed on caffine?

now, if anything, running on 2 hours of sleep and downing 2 Monster (1 XXL size) is not something i would recommend anyone to try... no im serious...

as if now my left eyelid is still twitching randomly
and because of this, i think im sticking to water for a long long time... but dayum, felt worst than trippin' on acid.

now the lesson probably is: you really dont need energy drink, all you need is a good night sleep and problem solved...

damn... daddy's not doing well today...

Episode 109: that dude's gotta move on

2006-03-30T05:26:00.000-08:00

did you know: the climate of the northern hamisphere and the southern hamisphere are reversed not due to the fact that earth is rotating the sun in an offsetted eliptical path, but because of its tilted rotational axis.

so while we're freezing our asses off here in the northern hamisphere, the aussies (australians, i dont mean to offend you) are partying down the south in hot summer!

i happen to come across a section on one of the internet tech forum that allows people to write (dump) their personal stories (soap opera) in. actually, it's a pretty sad section on the forum, because we all know 90% of the soap opera stories are relationship problems. i am no doctor phil, just a heads up.
many of them are really sad if you think about it. since it's a tech forum, i'd say 99% of the population are guys. and you know it, when there's a soap opera section on the forum, majority of the posts will be about "getting dumped"
so i came across this story about a guy in UK, met a pretty girl, both fell in love. he based his whole life on her, moved in with her, did a lot of things for her, do her homework (both of them are in college), bough her clothes and gifts, even paid her ticket to a trip to newyork. during his ex's trip at newyork, he wrote to her everyday about how he misses her and everything, but his ex never called him. and after she returns, they broke up. (more like her dumping him). it turns out that she was just busy partying and hanging out with guys, but she claims that she never cheated on him.
well, it doesnt matter doesnt it? who cheated on who, rather or not she did it, it's this sense of betrayal. and damn, sad shit.
i read one of the reply to the story, from a guy with similar experience as the poster, the summary of it goes like this
"if you shower her with gifts, do everything for her, treat her like gold, make her the most important thing in your life, then she will lose respect for you, and that's when you eat shit"

that's kinda true. my friend told me, women love a sense of danger. if they are not willing to settle down (in that case above, considering that they are still in college, i dont think she's ready yet), she'll just start to treat you like a teddy bear, when she needs you, she'll grab you, but once she's done with you, you stay with the pillow, alone.
so you gotta play "danger" huh? but just how much is too much? you go over the bar you lose her, but if you dont, you lose her anyways.

now i dont know shit about relationships, so im probably wrong from the start, therefore, im just gonna make a quick conclusion.

that's why people are so hard to understand. (i dont want to say women, because i believe it goes both way) and in this case, i guess you just have to resort to the good old trial and error.

there's no such thing as a soul mate. there's no such thing as a soul, though whether or not a soul exists, that's another story for another episode. but bottom line is, there's only people who have strong interest in you.
so you just gotta find it, they're out there, but it probably takes couple tries. couldnt find it, move on for another one.
though that doesnt mean you will have to screw around to find that person. interests build up day by day through interactions. the more you get to know that person the more, perhaps interested you are at him/her. therefore it's important to try your best to find that person interesting, to discover the value of that person, and it has to be both party, it has to be both way, else it will fail. so what, am i going to have to be the only one who finds you interesting, while you dont put down any effort to find the values in me? that doesnt work.

if it doesnt work, move on. im sorry if it sounds too harsh, but what are you going to do? keep throwing rocks into the bottomless lake? you'll just end up going nowhere. and that's the reality. happens to most of us.

i hope that guy can overcome that obstacle and find that somebody. because in his post he sounded like he's about to die. what a fucking waste.

so for safety measurement, i'd like to throw in my favorite closing.
i dont know much about anything, so anything above are just pure assumption and little bits and pieces i hear from the people around me. if you happen to have another way of seeing things, i welcome you to put it down.

that dude's gotta move on.
and so is everybody.

Episode 108: C for "Could-do-better"

2006-03-29T05:21:00.000-08:00

at the end of the term couple of us got together and we went to watch V for Vendetta.
now before i go on writing about it, i feel like i should put down a warning. if you liked it, and are willing to defend that movie to death. then i hope you dont find the following review offending. but if you dont wish to hear anything bad about that movie, go ahead, you may remain in your bubble by simply ignoring this entry.

now im not a political person. though i still want, perhaps 1% involvement, at least if i had a chance to vote i would vote. (too bad i couldnt because 2004 i moved to oregon and lost my privilege) and of course, i believe, everybody has their ideal form of government. you cant say "well there's gotta be someone on earth who doesnt have a clue." no, that's not right. even the anarchist believe in this "people made government" (correct me if im wrong). now regardless of what i said above is true or not, the idea of how we run things is in our head. as i have stated, im not a political person, i do have a certain way of running things, i just dont feel like persuading people into believing me, and have them following me. though not everyone's like me, some of us are more politically aggressive than the other. so when engaging in conversations, i kinda half-expect people trying to persuade me into joining them or believing them on the political standpoint. i dont think i have a problem wtih that.
but really, there's a time and place for everything. i was a bit annoyed when i realize even movies cant dodge political subjects. now maybe im more of a lord of the ring epic heroism romance reading person, or i really dig comedy. but to me, i dont want to have to think about current government policies and world crisis etc etc when it's my time to relax and be entertained. maybe that's not the movie's intent, im sure they werent trying to 'brainwash' people, but to me, v for vendetta went a little bit too far with the political message.
aside from that, i am a big fan of romance. but in the movie there's hardly any room for romance. ok we have the guy in the mask, martial arts, cool beans, clever and well written lines, very well educated, but i think without love, the characters on screen just dont feel human. (sure he's got a shit load of hate within him, but that wasnt what i was looking forward to)
then lastly, i wasnt too happy with the way how they told the story. maybe i didnt follow the story too well, or i didnt know much about the movie's background. maybe im a die hard tradiational viewer and any new presentation methods will have to try really hard to make a good impression. just maybe.
when i was watching the movie, i didnt really know much about the history of that world. i mean, at least i want to know what happened in the past. (so far i know that there's been a great war, america's not the big guy anymore). and in the movie it annoyed me a little when they keep mentioning the "incidents" (explained at the end of the movie) and i felt like, as an audience, i was having a lot of questions while watching the movie, but it felt like the director somehow knew we were gonna ask the "whys" "whats" and "hows", just that he didnt wanted to tell us. (for plotline and various concerns i think?)
here's the big thing. i like my movies straight, i dont like to hold onto questions for too long. sure it's exciting and all, but if you want me to keep asking myself the "why" for 2 and a half hour, and every scene i ask myself "is this the scene where they reveal everything?", dont you think that's too distracting?
maybe if i go watch it for the second time or catch the DVD when it comes out, i will have something nice to say about it. but as for now, i can only say, that movie has its moments. it has a little bit of its own philosophy (part i agree, part i dont), great actions, and regardless of how crappy i thought the story flew, there were some really great and powerful scenes.
so in my opinion i give it a C+, but i still think everyone should go see it, the movie's not bad, it's very well polished, but it doesnt go well with my preferences.
but if you really want me to say something nice, then i guess i can only tell you not to take my word on that movie too seriously. i dont watch a lot of movies but i do form my own preferences of what i like to watch and what i enjoy watching. so i may not be right about the movie's message or the best way to present a story. let me know how you think of the movie!

aside from that, it's tuesday, or quote from the tech support at work
the second monday

Episode 107: the end of a season

2006-03-27T04:12:00.000-08:00

sunday's the day off for school, end of the term, school is off, even the faculty members dont have to come. i guess we do need a break once in a while.
so since it's the end of the term, like i tried every term, i want to come up with something about this past term. what did i learn? what happened? i guess a look back at some stupid moments that gives you the tears and the laugh.
well, the biggest thing is probably about getting a job and really come to realize how hard it is to live on your own. now i know somewhere in the past i probably did mentioned about feeling guilty of having my parents send me money and stuff. i probably did. but i can tell you, about 30% it was just me "not really knowing anything".
but as soon as i cut myself off of my parents and start living off of my checks, that's my "oh snap" moment of life. everytime when you look into your account, you realize you dont have as much money as you did, matter of fact, you have enough to take care of groceries, perhaps buy a couple books, pay off the bills and you're done. and damn, it feels good on payday.
getting a job also brings me on the same level as people who're working now. those moments where you roll on your bed thinking "god! why isnt payday coming any sooner... im out man!" or "wake up 7:15 and the first thing that comes to your mind is 'SHIT! IM LATE!'". i dont regret getting a job, not because it's an easy one. sometimes i kinda do wish that there're more customers coming by to check out equipments and have something copied, at least i get to talk to more people. but i dont regret getting a job mainly because it's a great lesson. then as always, i go to work everytime, before i open the door, here's the chant
"i hope i dont screw up so i wont get fired..."

i guess looking back the second biggest is probably being single again. well, i figure getting to this part im going to unleash some major angst. not wanting to show it for quite a while, but come on, i still have the angst going on. so if you dont wanna read about bitching and ranting and angst-fest EX-hating story, stop here.

well, broke up with my ex this term. i dont know, sometimes i ask myself if i should even call it a relationship. never held her hands, i dont think we've hugged, barely went to movies 2 times, i guess that's it, and what's left? 4 monthes of waiting, for?.. nothing.
now part of it is me being stupid and not "brave" enough to go grab that sucker. but then again, its my blog, let me shift the blame!
i mean, i guess i felt single the moments after she left. (she took a break and went back to Washington for one term because she missed her family...) not that i love to screw around, but just that during the time i waited for her to come back from her break there's not much going on. what, just emails? sometimes once a week, sometimes... even longer. not even phone calls. and so, when it came to the point where i told her i couldnt go on anymore. the only response i got back was
"i wasnt ready for a romantic relationship anyways, i thought id give it a try, but..."
FUCK! yea well, what can you do?
the most painful part is, probably realizing the fact that my life didnt change at all, i thought i was up there with the clouds, but suddenly, i got smacked down and realize for the whole time, i merely walked in a circle.
but tomorrow will be better though, i believe. and i continue to do so.

my classes this term were pretty fun and challenging. i loved the game design and play class. it just makes me feel like im a step closer to being where i wanted to be. (had a lot of trouble getting ideas and fixing the games, but at the end, they are all rewarding in many levels) im glad that all of them are done, that one week of springbreak will make up for all the sleep i lost.

is it a good term though?
yea i think so. at least i learned something.

the best quote ive heard this term:
girls are like domain names, the ones i like are already taken (no offense now, it's just a joke)

there goes the 2005 winter term.

Episode 106: sit back and wish her the best

2006-03-26T03:35:00.000-08:00

have you ever had the feeling that, you just wanted someone to be happy. doesnt matter if you get anything out of it or not, but you wished that way because he/she's a good person, a good friend, a good lover? now for real, even in situations where you dont get a single dime out of this whole shabangabang, you still wished that person to be happy, and you wouldnt want anything bad to happen to him/her.
it's easy to say, oh yea, i guess i'll let go and wish her the best, whatever. it's really easy to bullshit that way, anyone can say it. matter of fact, ive said it a several times in my life so far. but does it really feel good after you've said that? no, it felt like shit. really, it's more like a lie.

------------
so a bunch of us were hanging out one night. and a friend of mine, whom i had a crush on a while ago was talking about how her boyfriend's friends creep her out. and that feeling suddenly hits me. it's like suddenly the windows in my mind were all opened at once, well, if you wanna throw in the "angel ahhh~~~" theme into the scene, that's fine too.

i was rejected when i tried to hint to her about how i feel. and afterward i knew my role. i actually didnt know she was taken at that time, but after she told me so, ive abadoned all hope, but still, it's nice to have more friends around you.
then like the usual, come the bitterness. like everytime, it's always the question "im not that bad am i? "what quality does he have over me!" "why!" and all that the world is unfair thing.. blah blah blah.
but i dont know, because she's such a nice person, this time, it felt different.
i cant get pissed at her, there's no way, she's just too nice. she listens to you when you talk, she hardly throws a fit, doesnt get mad at you easily, and likes to joke around. (now to throw in something straight from my male instincts, she's hot too!) though, no offense, i often joke to myself, "see, that's good girlfriend/ friend material". (did i mentioned she plays video games too? hells yea she's got ps2 and dark cloud, matter of fact, she's even got a saturn!)

well, going back to what happened the night when the all of us were just chitchatting and hanging out. afterward, i felt relieved, i felt happy.

with the term ending, i probably wont be able to see her again in the near future. since we're in different majors, that's gonna be a rare encounter in the hall or something. but then, you think to yourself.
"you know, i think there is something about her boyfriend that i JUST cant match".
but on the other hand, it worries me that her boyfriend's friends creep her out. and you start to think that "oh gosh, she's such a nice person, i just dont wanna see her in trouble". and that's when i realize, i can take a step back, and say "good luck!" with a smile on my face.

if she had gone out with me, i really dont think i can make her as happy as she is now with her boyfriend. why? i dont know. i just know so. not that i am down on myself or anything, but really, i guess no matter how i try, i dont think i can. but am i going to be a dickwad and not say hi to her and be bitter about it for the rest of my days? i just cant do it. because she's just a nice person. it's like, to put to the worst analogy, eating a kitten. i just cant do it, and even when i think of comitting it, i end up with a question to myself. "just because she rejected you... which is reasonable, does that mean you are going to be a dick? how stupid, and low, can you be? AND DONT FORGET SHE'S A NICE GIRL!"
but does it mean it's 'oppurtunity' if one day she breaks up with her boyfriend?
not really, like i said before, i think we're better off as friends.

she's by far the second nicest girl ive met in my life so far. one was in my highschool, and now one's in my college. and i want to meet more people like her, just makes me feel great knowing that there're really people out there like that, nice like that.

now, no fake, no nothing, really, i just want to say
man! i wish her the best!

Episode 105: thoughts on the invisible line

2006-03-25T03:35:00.000-08:00

let's play word association!
People _____.
that's right, MEAN. if you didnt get it right, that's fine, i was looking for
something closer to that, if not, well, you should know by now.

final's over and everything, glad that school's out for the next week, and a brand new term coming at me! i had a lot of fun making board games and card games this term. i thought it was awsome that we can finally unleash our creativity. although most of us, like me, dont have any. but it's okay
so i guess ive finally done something that's along the line of where i wished to be two years ago, making games. funny how the reason why i joined the art community was because i only wanted to paint pretty pictures, then later i think i dugged up a greater passion...

now refering back to the word association we just played in the beginning. before i start anything, i gotta say. now i dont hold grudge against people, not most of the people. *of course there're some people that i really feel like i gotta liu-kang their ass, but that's another story*. i only write this because i disagree with the way how they see things. now if you find this not acceptable, well... there's nothing i can do, so, if you dont have an open mind, leave. remember, im not flaming anyone today, not putting blames, just stating i disagree.

ive met a few people who're engaged, friends, co-workers, classmates, or just people from different contacts. most of them are pretty awsome. i happen to come across some cases where i totally disagree with the way how that person reacts to their engagement.
to me, although im far from it, perhaps never will be (no kidding), but being engaged to someone is big. even the fact that if i have a girlfriend, the good old habit of "hey dude, check out that ass" is out of the window. (now a lot of you are probably thinking, yea, he's just all talk, but i did went there, least i wasnt looking when i had a 'girlfriend')
just to be fair, let's say, ive met several people who're engaged to their fiances, but just couldnt stop flirting...
im not saying flirting is bad, it's okay to flirt, we've all done that, joke around, poke holes, make fun of each other. but when you flirt up the storm behind your fiances. i, myself, can only feel - disgusted.
you know, if im your fiance, and if i happen to know what you're doing to the people around you behind me, i'd seriously want to sit down and have a talk with you. call me obsessive, call me strict, call me anything but, damn, this seems to me like a problem.

yea, i guess im a traditionalist, none of that free spirit. but probably because of what happened to my dad when i was a kid that really made me stay true to traditions and be one conservative whore on this subject. but i think, when you're in a relationship (oh here we go, the dude who doesnt know shit is talking again!), there's a certain limit, or an invisible line that dictates how far you can go with your friends and the people around you. to me, hugs are cool, high five is fine, casual joking is cool too, but sometimes, you witness an event and you turn around and ask yourself,
"damn, you can do that? that's... too much..."

now i know everyone needs love, attention. we loved to be praised, cuz it makes us feel good. but my thoughts on "how much is too much" is obviously biased. i dont know, perhaps you can tell me how you feel about it.
to tell you the truth, i feel horrible for their fiances
yea, maybe im just sourgraping, you know it, im probably jealous of how some people gets love and everything. yea whatever, but i hope, that whoever is reading this, will have to realize the above is my opinion and my opinion only. i am allowed to say what i want to say, right?

you know when people tell you, "that's just life man! im sure when we're all 70 years old, when our teeth all fell off, we'd just be sitting around joking about how silly it is that we get pissed off about these kind of thing at our 20s."
fuck that, you think you're gonna get away with it?

i dont think so.

Episode 104: blank! ahhh!!

2006-03-21T03:35:00.000-08:00

woke up, just felt like shit.

in a way, im kinda disappointed at everything. dont feel like doing anything, just want to get some more sleep, but that's not possible at all considering it's finals week.

we've been pretty busy, dont have time to update myspace and write much, but mostly i just couldnt think. i dont know, cant describe it with an writer's block knowing i suck at writing so i cant compare myself to a writer. but my mind's just blank.
writing should be a happy thing to do, i think. all of us have the freedom to write, as long as we know how to, we're free to write anything. but really what separates 'good stuffs' from 'shits' are the way how it ends.
really, should there be one day that whatever i write ends with disappointment and depression, then i will get slapped endlessly, bitch style.
i mean, sure you can bitch and rant, but after so much moaning and whinning, you gotta think positive. sure we all need to vent sometimes, so okay, here's your chance, done? well, tell me something else rather than "life sucks", "this sucks", "that sucks", "i wanna kill myself" (woo... hold up there... you do not, DO NOT want to do that)
just... i dont know, it has become a habit of mine to end whatever i write with hope and optimism, at least even if it's lightyears away from it really being hopeful and optimistic, just fake it, at least, i think readers feel better about you, and about themselves too, because it's influence, huge influence!

so i guess when final's over, im going to have a little bit of free time left to myself. perhaps gonna get on some paintings, finish them up. or i will just play game day and night. nonetheless, it's good to take a break, though like the usual, the beginning of the term felt like yesterday, but then, it's more like waking up from a comma.
i can so see the finals end.
come on, winter season end already!

i want my freetime!

added on 24th, March, 2006 due to delay.

Episode 103: Father and Home

2006-03-16T03:34:00.000-08:00

it's week 10, insane week? you know, the longer i am in college, the more i dont want to follow the trend of "panicing at the end of the term". so, people, calm down, the world's not going to end.
there is no need for panicing, really, if you know you're good, you're good. my dad always tell me this.
"you think you got shit all piled up huh? but remember, every stroke you put down, this means you are THIS close to finishing everything. and you know what, you dont have to redo that stroke."
thanks dad.

speaking of which. monday, had a really bad nightmare. it's the worst, i dreamed of my father dying. now, i mean, you can throw me all sorts of nightmares, and i will forget about it later. but dreams of my dad dying are always there, and they are the most vivid ones.
it started really blurry, like all of my nightmares. (you know, im noticing a pattern here). then i heard from my uncle that my father's dying. suddenly, im at my grandma's house. it's an old three story house. and i was at the first floor. i quickly rushed to the third floor. but it didnt take long, it was like a snap, and im at the third floor. but now im at the balcony.
in front of me, is a red sun setting. i dont know why, but im not seeing my old man, but my eyes are soaked. i think i was really crying, nonetheless, it felt really bad. like you just lost a part of your body, except it's not physical pain. more like your heart's being pressed...
then the sun slowly disappeared, i saw my father lying on the bed. he was quiet, and i saw the bullet hole in his stomach. but he was resting in the bed peacefully, there's no sign of pain or torture on his face. and i thought to myself, at least it was easy on him... but i couldnt stop crying.
then suddenly my father coughed, and water came out of his mouth, he's awake.
i was suprised. "but dad, what.." i was totally shocked, how can dead people cough... and his eyes were wide open, as he stares at me, i walked closer to him.
dad gave me a smile, but he seems tired. and he told me slowly.
"i wasnt dead, i was just resting, took a shot, but i think i will be okay"
i replied nervously, "but dad, let's go to the hospital, you are wounded."
just as i begin to speak, father's guts begin to leak from his bullet hole. i knew he was lying. i knew he was dying. and i went berserk. i tried to stuff them back into his stomach. and my hands are soaked with his blood. and i stuffed, stuffed, and stuffed, but they kept leaking out. my eyes are now drown in tears, and the only thing i remember, was begging, please dad, dont die, please, dont die.
i woke up, i realize i was speaking in my dream.

there has been times that i felt like giving up. i felt like shit, dirt, or whatever. times that i really am not sure what im doing. times that i just want to toss everything out of my hand, and say "screw it", walk way. no one will probably care, no one will probably ask. but i know for sure my dad will. and whenever i think of giving up, and i close my eyes, dad's there.
funny because my old roomate once told me, rebelious kids always turn out to be just like their parents. i dont know, am i like my dad? though, i wish i could be like my dad, even a tenth of it.
maybe it's the beginning of week 10, maybe my body felt like i need to see father again, kinda a way to remind myself not to give up easily. i promised him im gonna buy a house in the mountain for him so he can paint landscape everyday. though i dont know if i can really make that promise, but i am still trying.
but as soon as i woke up, damn, i missed my old man.

whenever i see pictures of space shuttles. i always feel like im standing on the edge of this planet. and one more leap, im out there. i dont know, there's always this feeling of something really grand, something really, mysterious, something totally awsome. and whenever i see space shuttles, all i can think of is earth. and all the hate, all the tiny little things will be forgotten.
in a cheesy, but funny way to say it, it's kinda like "we are human, we represent ONE".

though i would love to visit space in my life time. if not, hopefully space traveling technology will be advance and open enough so that my ashes can be scattered into the orbit of earth. perhaps that way i can continue watching this blue planet.

the planet that we all call "home".

Episode 102: dont blame your old self, blame the ugly snails

2006-03-13T03:34:00.000-08:00

went drinking and watching movie with friends and ended up crashing over. had a really weird dream, it was real, and horrifying.
again, everyone's in my dream. at least i could tell everyone. everyone that ive met, everyone that i know. it seems like there's a party going on. and things went wrong from then on.
there're these really gross looking snails crawling around the house. their bodies are covered with tumors and layers and layers of skins. they're about fist big, and they are crawling on the walls, around the fridge, and around desks, chairs. they are slow, but every move they make, are very precise, seems like they can think, and they think just as smart as us.
and suddenly, they disappeared. i dont know how i know this, but somehow i know they are hiding somewhere, like they've turned invisible...
and every one of my friends, begin to turn small, and they begin to shrink, and they are screaming, some in pain.
"dont touch the snails, they will make you shrink." one of my friends say to me.
i forgot what happened, but i remember i wanted to open the doors on the fridge, turns out there was one hiding inside, and i touched it.
and i swear to god, i was rolling on the couch, it was horrifying. not only i was shrinking, my body was iching. there're red spots all over my body, and they slowly became bruses. and i kept scratching them.
it's not the kind of itch that's skin deep, but it seeps into your soul, like your whole body's itching, and there's nothing you can do to stop it, and i continue to shrink.

then i woke up, my friend woke me up, he had to go to work, and i mentioned to him that i was going to go to school to work on editing projects. glad he pulled me out of this nightmare. i dont know, ive been having a lot of weird dreams lately, perhaps finals are catching on me, oh no...

at some point in our lives, we recieve enlightenment. my friend told me. it may occour in 18, then 25, who knows, maybe 40... and it's a series of enlightenment. it's not limited to only once.
and when that happens, there're two ways of looking at things. most of the time, we look back and curse and scream, saying how wrong, retarded, wasteful, stupid, ignorant, so on so on and so on we were like back then. like looking back in the kindergarten days, it was stupid to get into a fight, it was stupid to not listen to my teacher, it was stupid to eat grass and the list goes on.
but that's not how we should look at it.
another way is to reason, to think why we were like that. because of what what what condition, we thought that way, and because of what what what happened, we acted differently.

and to think about it, we are who we are. it's like growing a plant, the tree wont tip the other way in an instant. it's through everyday's growing, there must be something shaping the tree, someone pushing it everyday, something hitting it everyday. same to our personality and the way how we deal with things. we evolve everyday, things that happened to us, changed our perspective. and to think that whenever we recieve enlightenment, we look back and blame on our old selves is silly. rather, we should be thankful, or somewhat relieved temporarily that without those foolish acts, there wont be the 'enlightenment' today. and reason why i quoted it, is because there might be another enlightenment ahead of us, ready to prove us wrong again.
when we are enlightened, it's like we've crossed the river. and now we're faced with new landscapes, and to look back on the other side of the river, things sure are different.
you cant say the more enlightenments we recieve the better we become. just because we are enlightened, or should i say 'corrected' now, doesnt mean we've been corrected in the right way. i might be enlightened today on the fact that a gun is a quicker way to kill someone rather than my fist, but that doesnt make me a good person. however, it's always good to know more things.
i dont know, but for the longest time, my guess is that, the more we know, the better we handle situations. either in studies, or socializing, or, for example, killing people. (of course, killing people is not on my list)
but trying not to blame on your old self doesnt mean you can toss whatever in the past out of the window. you gotta realize why was i not correct, and what caused it. if i touch fire, and it got burned, i am now enlightened, but that doesnt mean i should forget the whole fire incident. because if we dont, we'll be burned again. thankfully, because we are enlightened, that automatically takes care of 50 percents of everything.

(edit: somehow the post got cut off here when i edit it again. weird, but last word for the day, hope you will soon find your enlightenment!)

Episode 101: like buttcheeks...

2006-03-09T03:33:00.000-08:00

had a painful day in the lab working.
there're two aspects within us, the engineering aspect, and the scientific aspect. one deals with theories and the other is hands on. so whenever you decide to work on something. before you step straight into the actual physical step, you think about what you want to do with this project and how you want to approach it, and you go along with the design and everything. and something along the line, you think, this is going to be perfect, flawless...
so you began working, and working, and finally, the whole piece is up.. then your engineering aspect kicks in, and at the minute before presentation, you ask yourself, there's gotta be something wrong... now what did i forget to put in...

so for my video editing class my final project is to make a video game trailer with ingame footage captured by myself. now, im not a heavy gamer. the older i am (comparing to when i was still in middle school) the more i realize that i dont really love playing video games much. matter of fact, if you give me a game, and have me sit in a room and play it, i would get bored after 15 minutes or so. of course it has something to do with the game being addicting or not, but i find that im more of a multiplayer person. i enjoy online games a lot, so having multiplayer feature can definitely extend my playtime. all and all, i dont get an orgasm from the release of a much anticipated video game.
anyways, off topic but now back on track. so i went home, loaded my favorite game, used FRAPS to capture some in-game footage of me playing it. bascially it captures what happens on the screen and exports it as an .avi movie file so i can port it to final cut and edit it. so everything seems fine, stayed up all night doing capturing, had a great fun. what gets better than playing game WHILE doing homework? :)

just when you think it couldnt get wrong, the next day, which is today, i arrived at the school, ready to present some of the footages in class to generate some feedback. bam, i was right. i am missing a step...
both final cut and quicktime wont play the footages. with a little research, i realize the footages that i have arent exactly RAW footages, but rather they have been compressed by FRAP's own codec, which isnt available for MACs.
now a codec is often used in video editing and compilation, it's kind of like an language, codecs can be used to adjust color settings, and shrink down file sizes. to be able to play a video in a specific codec, the machine has to have the codec installed on it first. kinda like understanding the language.

so for the rest of the day, i had to sit in the lab and strip away all the codecs on 105 something footages... it's a long and tedious process with a lot of repetion and point-and-click, speaking of which, my wrist hurts.

what's the lesson? at some point, you're going to screw up, that's why it's good to have a backup plan. unlike me today, totally unaware that FRAPS compresses my footages, i should of done a little research before hand, so i dont have to suffer through the conversion that ate away couple hours of my day.

now im not saying screwing up is unacceptable, it's perfectly fine to screw up, matter of fact, little mistakes can be good lessons.
the root of 'evil' is always within the scientific aspect in us. theories are theories, there's no guarantee that it's absolutely right. so when we arrive at the engineering aspect, we might be following the wrong guideline, therefore whatever comes out of it will mostly be wrong. think of it as doing a math problem. the scientific aspect is your brain, and the engineering aspect is your hand. you think about the problem, then your brain tells your hand to write down the answer, if you're thinking in the wrong direction, whatever's on the paper's gotta be wrong.

but that doesnt make the scientific aspect a useless part of us. without it, we're no more than zombies. think about it, how do you build a house without a floorplan? without much calculations, it's hard to start on anything.

like NASA eingineers said, there's always been this natural tension between scientists and engineers.
because the scientists deal with theories and concept. nothing physical. they dont care how you can get there, all they know is, once you get there, then it proves that they were right, the method is right. as for engineers, they have to find a way to get to where the scientists wanted to, and they design things that works, based on theories.
the Mars rovers mission illustrates that natural tentions nicely. for example, scientists wanted to the rovers to land at a specific spot on the martian surface that has great scientific values. but to the engineers, they will have to deal with 1. leaving earth's orbit 2. safely arriving at mars 3. landing without damaging the rovers 4. making sure that all equipments work as planned. so there has been times that engineers will have to tell scientists "hey, get real".

but it's all for the good. at the end, the rovers did landed at a spot which provided evidence of mars being 'wet' in the past, and the rovers are still sending images back to NASA everyday.

it's essential for man to work together as a team. the scientists alone cannot make the rovers, and the engineers wouldnt able to calculate the landing and understand the chemical structures on the martian surface. we're born different, we look different, we talk different, and we think different, but we have the same goal, and the same dream, and that's all that matters.

and dreams bring people together
like buttcheeks

Episode 100: the crow and a dream out of control

2006-03-06T03:33:00.000-08:00

far away from our homes, in the region where it snows days and nights. a crow drifts in the wind, lost, but hopeful. it opens its snow-covered wings, and sets out on a journey to find happiness, warmth, and acceptance.

arent some of us like that crow?
but it doesnt matter how hard it's snowing, how tired we are, and how far are we away from the light that warms our heart. we continue to drift every day, every night, drift in the cold winds, and sometimes with suprises. and the crow continues to travel, it sees beautiful landscapes, heart warming sunrise and sunset, but it also sees the ugly sides of nature, it sees bloodshed, it sees tears and rejection, it sees death. and if the crow slows down for even a second, death catches on, and consumes it.

the idea i guess is to keep flying, keep hoping, finding, and hanging onto that thread. there isnt much you can do when you are caught in a snowstorm, but if you want to survive, you have to keep walking. and you raise that lantern in your hand, you walk tentatively, hopefully, within seconds, minutes, hours, days, monthes, years, decades, you will find your way out...

had a really horrible dream last night. woke up, felt like shit.

it was blurry in the beginning, but it becomes clear later, that someone's been killed in my dream. and everyone that i have met so far in my life are all around me, and for some reason that person who's been killed is a very important one because everyone's trying to figure out who killed him. (if i remember correctly, it's a he). and one of my teachers opened the note in her hand, this is when the dream goes wrong.

it's my confession, of the killing...
wait a fucking minute, WHAT THE FUCK? i killed someone? how the fuck? why the fuck? wait.. WHAT?! but the me in my dream was really calm, and sad. it felt like i really did it, and im not ashamed to admit it, but somehow i felt sorry for what ive done.
then everyone looks at me, with disappointment...
next thing i know, i am jailed, and i was waiting for my trial. it was horrifying, knowing that you did something wrong, and very soon you will be put in front of everyone, and they will scream at you, they will cry, they will mourn the dead, they will insult you, and god knows what else is waiting for me...

i remember this clearly, sitting in prison, holding the bars tightly, i did not want to face those people on my trial. i was panicing, i was sweating...
from one moment when i was not ashamed to expose my crime, to fearing the voices of everybody...

ive decided to take my life before the trial starts.

i knew the trial is starting soon, i dont want to go to trial, either way i will be given a life sentence, instead, i wanted to end everything. then i started looking for ways to kill myself in the prison.
cutting myself is hard, stabbing myself is harder, biting off my tongue and bleed to death is painful, there's no rope so i couldnt possibly hang myself, so what's left is poison...

really, at this point, i lost control of my dream.
sometimes when we dream, we become watchers, instead of participating in your dream, you watch your 'other-self' participate. however, in this case, i myself was really participating it, and it felt so real... and for a moment, i really felt that i need to take my life in order to escape all those pressure.

suddenly, in my prison cell, a bunch of mixed up pills and capsules appeared. (trust me, miracles appear in dreams, like, instantly)
next thing i remembered, i was swallowing all sorts of pills and capsules, stuffing my mouth with everything, anything. i dont care what they are, i need to overdoze, i need to die before my trial starts, i need to escape from this place.
and slowly, everything fades to darkness, i couldnt feel anything, "was i dead?" i thought.

i woke up (i fell asleep in my dream, how screw up can it get?), and realize my mouth is stuffed with pills and capsules, it turns out i couldnt swallow all of them at once, but it felt horrible, and the prison guards dragged me out of my cell, i realize it's too late to plan on suicide now, the trial is starting. my eyes are fixed on the floor, saliva slowly drips from the edge of my mouth, i was dirty, my clothes are covered with mud, though i couldnt smell myself, but i guess it was pretty bad.

the trial started. my ears are bombarded with cries and howls of the saddened and the angered. "why did you kill him!" "he was a good person!" "you scum" etc etc. funny thing is, people are not only screaming in english, but some are screaming in chinese, and the voices gathered together, like a big hammer, crushed me.

i finally woke up from this nightmare, it was b-a-d, bad. i cant imagine what murderers have to go through, i guess they must feel ten times, if not, hundred times worst than how i felt in my dream.
you know, we all joke about killing someone at some point of our lives. but after having that dream, im going to have to seriously ask you.
"do you want to huh?"

im kinda glad that there is no way we can die in our dreams, but that's horrifying, you're like a zombie, you wont feel anything... hopefully, when i close my eyes again tonight, there'll be something better that awaits me.

i wish.

Episode 99: Dodge the shit, win a donut, why?

2006-02-28T03:32:00.000-08:00

dont know if any of you have been to mardi gras celebration around your place, but portland downtown's pretty busy tonight.
spring's heading our way. it's chilling in the morning, gets really warm in the afternoon, and at night, it feels like winter. and who can forget the portland rain? calming, neverending, and definitely annoying (to me).

walking home just like every night. seeing the same thing over and over again, except with different faces on the street. across the river the people are celebrating, having fun, some of us are already asleep, some of us are busy reaching for deadlines, some of us are watching TV, watching the same program like you did last week. what's all this about. what are we doing. why are we doing these things? what is the meaning of life?! why everything!

life is a miracle. but it's a mistake. it's amazing how single cell bacterias slowly evolved to complex organisms like us. we think, we perform actions, we beat the living shit out of each other, have sex, raise kids, and to top all that shit off, we landed on the moon and realize it's not made out of cheese. but it's sad, depressing, and hopeless that starting from the moment we reside in our mothers, the clock begins to tick. and nothing, nothing will stop that clock. doesnt matter if you drive a nice sports car, doesnt matter if you shipped your package with fedex or not, doesnt matter if you just got laid, we're all going to die. what a big fucking mistake that our parents made.
but i would never blame my parents for commiting this mistake.

there's no definite meanings to life. it's just a random miracle. kinda like roll the dice, you roll a 6, life spawns on this planet. of course, that's just a watered down version of how everything gets started. since there is no meanings to life, we're all free. we're not born to run big companies, we're not born to do drive-by, and we're not born to do anything.
but we live like there is a meaning to life. thanks to our animalistic nature, our preception of life's meaning is down to two things. pain, and pleasure.

i was once told that human live to gain pleasure and avoid pain. why do we avoid cars on the street? because we dont want to get run over. why do we eat, because it feels good to be full. why do we buy a high def tv? just to brag about it to your co-workers? well, doesnt that make you feel good? and there are many levels of pleasure too. being well fed is perhaps the lowest one. on the other hand, learning new things can be delightful, and it's a higher level of pleasure.
so it becomes the guideline, a neverending objective, or, if im correct, the blueprint of how we're gonna live until we die.

we'll die, and we can die at any moment. and dying in daddy's book is uh uh no good. so we find ways to live longer, at least to prevent us from dying earlier than the "expected age". we have medicine to cure illness, we have airbags in our cars, we put warning lables on cigarettes, little kids cant buy firearm etc... how do we make medicine? be a doctor! study chemistry, go to school. how do we make airbags? be an engineer, an inventor, physicist. how do we become doctors and engineers? go to school, do your homework, learn, and graduate. but why do we learn? because you cant make airbags out of grass, and if you cant make an airbag, when cars crash, you die, and if you die, game over. isnt that all planned out? from the very beginning that we are determined to live, to avoid death, because death is painful, or so we were told.

we are mistakes. but quickly we found the 'temporary meanings' of life. as long as we're still alive. we work hard to be happy, and try hard not to get hurt. and it would be fucking sweet if everyone can work hard, and try hard.

just because shits gone wrong today, doesnt mean shits will always go wrong. and you think to yourself, was i working hard enough? have i tried hard enough?
with the whole universe full of possibilities, nothing is enough.

next time, try harder.
because if you dont, the pain's gonna get you, and it will stay with you all the way until you die.

what a shitty way to die.

Episode 98: dreams come with pricetags

2006-02-27T03:32:00.000-08:00

so after i got home from drinking with my friend at his place, i decided to go check out my actual mailbox. yes it's sunday and the post office is not working today, but since i didnt check mail on saturday, i thought this would wrap things up pretty good.
and indeed it did.
i opened my mailbox and i found a check from school. it's my paycheck. and to be honest, i am shocked. $350.
wait, hold up dawg, what the fuck? ok, couple days ago my boss handed me the two checks that i missed a month back, one of them is 50 something dollars, and the other is 270 something. now, if this is my third paycheck, i gotta tell you im dead suprised that ive earned more than the two previously combined. but god damn it feels good. finally i feel like i can spend money on things without the guilt inside of me. it's more like, everytime i spend my money it felt like im taking it out of my parents' wallet. (and indeed it was) but not anymore...
daddy's rich bitch! just kidding. but being able to afford things on your own, knowing that you actually worked for it feels good.

isnt that how things are? the things you worked hard to get, will always feel better than the things that just happen to land in your hand by chance. i mean, get real though, we all love free stuffs, but free things are still free, there's no relation between you and it. however, the things you busted your ass to achieve is another beast. you can brag about how much you have to go through to obtain it. and finally, when you do, you treasure it, you protect it, and you enjoy it, every single bits of it. and you look back, think to yourself.
wow, ive grown a little.

couple days ago i had a really weird dream.
i dreamed about being able to fly. now it's very common for everyone. and inside my dream it felt really real. as if i can pick up the drag and kick my feet and there i am floating in the sky. and i can feel the gravity slowly losing its pull on me, and the ground slowly becomes smaller and smaller. the strong wind brushes across my face, like ice blades slashing my cheeks. to be honest, it felt a lot similar to swimming, i guess in my mind i kinda related the two together, and 'borrowed' the experience from swimming and substituted it with flying.

then comes the weird part.

while in the sky i looked down, and i saw one of my old friends. whom i had a crush on long time ago, and got rejected. but she looked different in my dream, and she was way prettier. and pictures of her poped up in my hands, out of nowhere. those are not regular pictures too. she was wearing bikini and everything, kinda like the ones you find in maxim. (my step-brother used to subscribe to maxim, and i used to flip through them, so i guess the experiences do relate) and i thought to myself.
god damn, she became a super model?
part of me wanted to get down and find out how she's doing. i really wanted to talk to her and i was so curious about her being a super model (in my dream that she seems to be). but the other half of me just wouldnt commit. and i really wanted to get down and talk to her, perhaps take a closer look at her, but my body just reluctantly flew away.
it kinda felt like it's an awkward situation, i mean, afterall, she rejected me, but that's a while ago. also on top of that, i was thinking.
you know, she's now a star, her nose's probably up in the clouds, i guess she wouldnt even bother to talk to me, why be a fool.

i got pretty pissed at myself after i woke up. im pissed at myself not because i didnt get down and all that reasoning. but i am mad at myself for not being able to control my own dream.
it's my dream, i created that world, she became a super model because of me arite, now why the fuck cant i have it my way? why must i still be constrianed by these fucking social structures even in my dreams?

then it goes back to what you experienced in real life can be related to your dream. i've never been able to move up on that social ladder before, i guess i dont have that experience, and therefore nothing like that will ever occur in my dreams. and people tell you "you can dream whatever you want", wrong!

but it does make you feel like shit though. knowing that, the most creative part of your life, can still be constrained. think about it, isnt it a great motivation to live life the fullest?

it used to be, "becuase we have a dream, therefore we work to make it come true". but for me, it seems more like "because i want a dream, therefore i have to experience it in order to relate to it".

shit!

Episode 97: reshape the world

2006-02-26T03:32:00.000-08:00

there is no right or wrong. i hate to say it, but there isnt.
who are we to say that we are right and they are wrong. you cant. how are we able to determine who's right and who's wrong? based on our perspective? based on our understanding? based on our experiences?
from our perspective, things may seem right. however, from others', it may be wrong to them.
we are all scared, paranoid people in this world. we fear of everything, we are afraid to die, we are avoid critism.
becuase of that, we feel much better when people appriciate our perspective, and tend to side with us, we feel stronger, we feel that we have someone who we can rely on, at least someone who will back me up, think the same way like we do.
the 'right things', is only used to describe the agreement on one same principal made between you, me, and everyone else. just because we agree things should work that way, on our side, we call it the right way.

but the world is a terrible place. once you side with someone, you are doomed to lose someone. becuase we just couldnt unite together, we all have our different methods to solve problems, and we all have a different golden key. sometimes the quest to find the right method becomes more personal, and we begin to take things too seriously, and we begin to hate. not just the person who disagrees with you, but the people who sides with him too.

sometimes i want to cry when i know that, tomorrow, maybe the day after tomorrow, when i wake up, i am going to realize how dirty, how horrible, how dangerous and ugly this world is. you can see it coming, you know tomorrow someone's going to die, you know tomorrow someone's going to lose his sweetheart, you know tomorrow, maybe tomorrow you may die too.

but that's what makes the world go around. the world is based on logic, a solid foundation where things just work. and we spin it with emotions. emotions, pain, happiness, sadness and all that you can count.
and to think that, what may be ugly to me, may be beautiful to someone else. afterall, what i see as beautiful is not exactly "beautiful", and what i know is "right" is not exactly "right".

and i hope you will understand, but just because there is no right or wrong, that doesnt permit everyone to go out on the street, and commit crime because "they think it's the right thing to do". beacause nothing is right, and nothing is wrong. i personally, have to force myself to side with something. and i personally, have to believe in what's "right" for me, and what's "wrong" for me. as for you, it's up to you to decide what to side with. but, it does make me feel better if you choose to side with my ideals and my believes. and it goes back to what i wrote above.

there're many things that i believe is wrong. for example, creating chaos, hurting others intentionally for one's pleasure, unecessary stealing, and the list goes down. but in a bandit, or a rogue's eye, im dead wrong.

then the battle between 'good' and 'evil' will go on forever. whenever we are reluctant to accept someone's perspective, the battle will continue. surely, you may say there's room for acceptance. and yes, we should always leave room to accomondate others' perspective. for example, if they perfer tea over coffee, then i'll have my coffee and they'll have their tea.
but what if they prefer to kill us all becuase we dont side with them

we are in a situation, where we cant control our actions. for the sake of survival, nobody can blame us for eliminating those who wanted us dead. we are forced to fight against them, and we know that until we eliminate every single one of them, there'll be someone out there who want us dead, and believe me, they dont take any compensations, you cant sit down and talk it over.

all the time, we are forced to side with something. all the time we are in conflict with the other half of this world. but look on the bright side. at least, you believe in something, at least you are not severing yourself from this world. at least, whoever you are siding with is agreeing with you, and you are not alone. doesnt that make you feel very much, alive?
and you fight for what you believe in, you work hard, you keep trying regardless how many times you have failed.

be happy that you are alive, that you can do something, leave a name, make changes (even the slightest change), make a noise, being able to choose what's best for you, sometimes for others.

i love this ugly, terrifying, imbalanced, and dangerous world more than anything. because i can change it, make it 'better'

you can too.

Episode 96: when things go wrong, real wrong.

2006-02-23T03:31:00.000-08:00

joy to the world, the projects are done, i'll finally get some sleep!!
after weeks of hardwork i finally defended against the 2nd wave of homework assignments! oh yea, no leak, right on time, meets with all deadlines, sweet.
then it is followed by the celebration, and of course, a good friend of mine got me a 6 pack. i quickly got home, fired up a good dinner with eggplants and rice, it was good, good good.
and it starts to go... slightly wrong.
so after dinner of course i'm going to get down to business and stick to the REAL CELEBRATION, which is... the 6 pack. and that's when i realize,
"shit, guys, i dont have a bottle opener..."
ok.. how can this happen.. what did we do wrong here. nice dinner - checked. a shower - check. perhaps a fine woman for a date - check (i'll pretend). THE 6 PACK - check.

bottle opener - missing
so off the batt i thought of many solutions. solution 1 - break the bottle and drink from a straw off the floor, assuming if im that desperate. but then, im going to be downing all 6 of them tonight, the question is, will i still have the sanity to drink from the ground after 3 or 4 bottles? solution 2 - use the back of my knife to pop open the cap, but then, it's very likely that i will end up cutting myself... and that poor hand of mine still has couple thousand miles to go, so it leads me to solution 3.
that's it, screwdriver, flathead.

it takes quite a bit of strength to pop open the cap, but it's doable even when you are drunk, so i guess it would be the best method. and so the problem's solved, and it was a good celebration. after downing 5 of them, i saved the last one for the future, and somehow fell asleep.
bad idea
woke up at 8...
oh shit... i have a morning class at 8, and yes you know it, i was hammered bad.
GOOD FUCKING JOB. lesson is, get a bottle opener next time. end of story.

so one night out of curiosity i went to true.com because they advertise so damn much on myspace. then they told me i can get a profile for free with photo upload and being able to browse other's profile. then i filled in all of the quesitons and wrote something that describes myself. uploaded an image of mine, so far so good. then i walked away to work on something else.

couple days later i checked my mailbox's spam box, i found couple emails from true.com. appearently someone "winked" at me. bascially on true.com that's the symbol of "hey, like your picture or whatever the shit you put on your profile, care to get in touch".

if anything, expect less.
so i went to my profile and checked my "winked" box. and i found those people who winked at me.

now i have to be thorough with you guys, im not hating anybody, i treat everyone fair and square, just that sometimes i dont find others attractive... or should i say like i dont see them as romantic objects.

1 from texas, and a couple from central. and trust me, i never want to go to true.com again. yes, it's that bad.

ever so often i think about what would happen if i actually decide to meet with the lady from texas... and perhaps got involved?
i guess there'll be a 9mm under my pillow... and worst, i'll have to take care of the kids that she had with her brother(s). daddy's smarter than that, come on.

if you think about it. how often does a gold coin fall from the sky and lands right into your hands? i mean, if we are who we are today, what makes you think that tomorrow it's gonna be different? and my friend often say "oh yea, when it hits you, you wont even know, and BAM!"
you gotta be shitting me.
i no longer believe in those stupid fateful encounter stuff. because it's what the tv and the media is feeding to us. really, matter of fact, you want anything, you gotta work your ass for it, and you gotta work hard. go out there and meet somebody. do shits for him/her, try your best to make them happy. dont just sit around with your hands crossed and wait for something magical, as far as i know the only magic that's ever existed was "fireball", and it hurts like a bitch.
then it goes back to my point about people who's done so little but are in love. seriously, you're the kind of people who happened to get that gold coin by accident. lucky you.

and those who try, and will continue to do so. i salute you.

as for me, daddy's got kids to feed,
to each other.

Episode 95: long waited, finally came

2006-02-21T03:29:00.000-08:00

it snowed today.
now hold your train of thought for a sec. this aint no snow snow, it's more like frozen rain, nonetheless, it's a long waited, highly anticipated snow of this year. but i guess winter's finally reached its peak, which is always a sad thing. being one of my most favorite seasons, i wish portland would snow more often, and in greater quantity too.
if you ask me, i would take snow over rain any day
it looks better than rain, i suppose.

it's official, my first paycheck will be the sweetest paycheck ever, because it's going to be worth of 3 payrolls.
for the past month ive been opening my mailbox everyday only to find dust or ad in it. so it's logical to guess that pay day is at the end of the month. little did i know my job pays every two weeks. having been there for almost 2 monthes, and you have to realize, not a single check, by the time i really get my check it's going to be FAT.
why wasnt i getting paid? simple.
after i moved out of the student housing i found a place in portland to stay. however i only updated my address with the registrar in school. HR and registrar are two different systems so they dont share the same address. bascially, today, i had to go change my address to the correct one so the pay checks will be mailed to the right place.

now to my suprise, the previous checks are already mailed out. and it goes back to my old dorm room where i once shared with one of my fat lazy bastard roomate. and interestingly, none of them have been returned back to the school.

COME ON PEOPLE, WRONG CHECK, RETURN SENDER. how simple can it be? just goes to show how freaken lazy that dude is, still. fortunately the guys in HR are gonna void them out and reissue the new checks. Perhaps by Wednesday next week daddy's sweet sweet fat check will be in the box.

after staying up for 24 hours working on homework, i think i truly deserve to go have a good night sleep and wake up tomorrow feeling energetic

i cant believe it that, at the moment which is least expected, portland snowed today *in downtown pearl district*. i guess it goes to show that the old saying "be careful what you wished for" makes sense.

ive been waiting for that one for so long.

Episode 94: life's golden key, wont fit.

2006-02-19T03:29:00.000-08:00

so i was on my way to get donuts with two of my friends. it was late at night. and it's downtown portland. lots of drunks, babes and people who're just dying to get laid standing around.
there's this one girl, wearing short skirt (short short, i mean, short), hanging out with two guys. the girl seemed pretty amped. and the two guys are holding a good conversation. so i said.
"man, the men are trying hard."
my older friend disagrees.
"no, she's trying hard, just look at what she's wearing"

portland's been pretty cold for this whole week. and damn was he right about that. i dont know if i should laugh or not. but it was hella funny, no, really, she is trying pretty hard.

then we got to the donut store. it's just packed with all kinds of people. it's cool and all, while waiting in line, i started talking to my older friend again. i forgot how we got to the topic, but i kinda asked him something about being where he's at, unintentionally. and he told me flat out.
"do you think im going to give you the golden key this easily? without you going through all the pain and everything?"

now i mean, wtf...
he's a much older man than i am, and he knows a lot of stuffs. having living past couple decades. isnt it a bit too selfish to not to share just a tad bit of info with your buddy? and i didnt feel good at first. come on, what's with the golden key and everything.

then again, he's right.
i think there're three things behind that golden key. i mean, i kinda want to kick my own ass for asking that.
first of all. he cant give me it. and the more you think about it, the more impossible it is for him to hand me that 'life's golden key'. it doesnt make sense. becuase we are different.
it starts from important things such as personal preferences, personality, living style, management. and the list goes down to little things like what color he likes, what coffee he drinks, what clothes he wears on monday, or maybe what size of shoes he wears.
what may be the golden key for him, may not be the golden key for me, or anyone. how can i live like him, be like him, or simply, be him? i cant. i have my own perspective on things, i like things that perhaps he dislikes, and it goes back and forth. there is no way he can hand me that key. now even if he does, which is generous, would i want it?

secondly, it's a treasure box, you use that golden key to unlock the treasure box inside all of us. and when that box is open, god knows what would fly out of there... porn? a wealth of knowledge? happiness? the direction to the right path? answer to life's greatest mystery? who knows? but one thing that's certain, whatever's inside that treasure box is gotta be hella-good.
but most of us dont even know where that box is. matter of fact, do we even know what type of lock it is? is the hole big, or small? without knowing it, how do we know if the key can fit in?

we're all like blind treasure hunters. we can only tell what kind of lock it is by touching it, feeling it because we cant see it with our own eyes. and everyday as we live on, get shits thrown at us, clean ourselves up, the more we try, the more we begin to figure out the tiny little details of that lock. and as days passing by, we piece those puzzles together, then we have a complete image of what that lock will be. that's when we know how to unlock it, which key is the right key, then we go ahead and forge that golden key. and bam, look at all the porn...

lastly, should we approach someone and ask "hey, i realize you are smarter than i am, now gimme part of your brain so i can be equally knowledgable." it works against the nature of equal trade. how can someone who sits on his lazy fat ass someday, out of curiosity, asked a question, and got the answer to solve all your problems in life? oh no, can't hit that shit. not gonna happen.
and this is why i felt bad for asking
without knowing anything, without having experienced much of what's out there, a 19 years old wants an easy way out, decides to settle with someone elses' knowledge. how fucked up can it get?

you get what you worked for, and through that you will learn to cherish it. remember your first paycheck? remember the good feelings? so what if he told me straight up "you know, when you grow old, this and this, that and that." imagine the days ahead. that's it? that's all there is? what a boring life.

the sense of adventure will be gone, it's gone forever. it's like when there's a magic mirror that sees the future, and you, out of curiosity, and stupidity, decide to take a look at it. and from that point on, nothing will become a suprise to you, nothing will be fun to you, because you saw it coming. and you learn nothing from then on.

his golden key wont fit in my lock, so why bother asking? go find your own golden key. it may be hard, and sometimes you may think to yourself "god this has got to be the stupidest quest ever", but once you found it, and you figured out that lock. the reward is going to be awsome. but before that, you just gotta keep trying, dont give up, and be persistant. you want a mountain full of porn? work for it, bitch.

im ready for a good treasure hunt.

Episode 93: the world's fair. at least a part of it is.

2006-02-18T03:28:00.000-08:00

my bubble was once again bursted.
i dont want to talk about my personal life, really. but i need to vent again. it just doesnt feel good when shits hit you again and again. and you're left there thinking
why the hell would anyone do that, seriously

thursday night was just the usual, working, checking out gears for people, taking copy requests and everything. just when i thought the day couldnt get worst. (something really nasty happened earlier that day, i pissed off one of my co-workers because i did something profoundly stupid.)
my ex showed up along with a friend of hers.
i wasnt already in a good mood because of what i did that day, and i was tired because i practically stayed in school for the whole day studying and working. so i didnt feel like talking, and you can imagine the least i would like to is to talk to my ex.
before any of this sturs up an argument or not, i have to tell you.
for the love of god please dont break up with someone unless shits go extreme, find that forgiveness in your heart and forgive him/her if it's just little issues. you do not want a break up, you do not.
maybe it was my attitude, maybe i am still not letting go. but at that time a conversation was like a death penalty, and i can so see myself doing something stupid again. it goes kinda like this
i snap, bam, i let out a thousand years of hate, then i grab whatever is next to me, hit myself in the head, and pass out, the next day, get whatever complain that's heading to me, and spend the rest of the year thinking about how i shouldnt have snapped.
well i didnt exactly snapped, which was fortunate. but i almost did.
she showed up with the 'carefree' or i call it the 'whatever-im-kinda-in-the-mood-of-not-caring-about-you-and-therefore-if-you-want-a-fight-you'll-not-end-well" kinda mood.
listen princess i really am not feeling it right now, please drop it.

i guess not everyone has telepathy, she then proceeds to talk to me and her friend.

well maybe some of us do have telepathy, the inside of me was crying out loud "somebody please save me from this", suddenly a co-worker of mine walks in. then there goes the haleluja theme song.
i decided to talk to my co-worker and pretend i really dont give a shit about what she's talking about. i mean, that's rude, but please, this is not the time to consider whether one's action is rude or not, i just want to get the fuck out of here, but since i cant because im at work, then let's turn to a different strategy.

then she started talking to her friend about how this new guy moved into her place and started living with her. worst, she starts going in detail about what he did for her on valentine's day, and how she thinks that's sweet.
hold the fuck on, dude, wait a minute.
ok you have to understand, i didnt want to snap, and i was about to, and right after my ears picked up that conversation it's like "oh yea the beast wants out"

listen, i might have told you that we can still be friends and everything, but for the fucking loving sake of god, it's barely a month. i dont think im fucking ready to hear about you and your new-found-love.
and i just want to yell at them, PLEASE TAKE THIS SHIT SOMEWHERE ELSE. EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE NOT TALKING TO ME DIRECTLY, IM NOT DEAF.
i mean, if she didnt fucking did it on purpose, i can understand that. sometimes she can be a little insensitive. in fact, the whole deal is about her being insensntive. but i know her so i know that she's not really being insensitive, just that she doesnt really know how others feel unless others tell her straight up "HEY MAM, NOT READY YET". so it's reasonable that she gets on such a sensitive topic. at least sensitive to me.

now on the other hand, if she did it on purpose. then i think i just saw one of the most ugliest side of human beings. which is the side that is out to ruin other people, make other people feel like dirt.
seriously, who the fuck would do that? unless i killed your whole family and pissed on their grave. but i can never go out of my way to make people feel like dirt. can you imagine someone doing that to you?
but i would like to think that she didnt intentionally do it.

for weeks i tried to hide it, for weeks i tried to avoid thinking about it, in fact, i didnt want to talk to her, i didnt want to have anthing to do with her. because i dont think im ready. i tried to hide in a bubble where i can bring in my friends, and people im okay with. and maybe give it some time, i can come out of that bubble, pat the dust off of my shirt and say "oh hey, how're you doing? long time no see? so how's life?"
but nope! before i get time to sit down and try to forget everything she brings this thick ass needle and poped that bubble off the ground.
FUCK! you know, the next time i will tell her to shut the fuck up. before she starts going off about anything.

later that night i thought about what happened today. and i finally got over it. at least i felt less shitty.
you know, i kinda feel sorry for that new guy. i mean, if you fell in love with a person who wouldnt return any to you because she's "not ready for a romantic relationship", you're in the shit pond, knee deep. now if you are in with that person as described above, and off of a rebound. you're in the nuclear waste pond, waist deep. i want to find that guy and tell him what happened, but then again, maybe this time she will learn to love, maybe this time they have different chemistry...

wait a fucking minute? what did i just say? maybe this time she will learn to love?

so. i was bascially a matyr? what the fuck? what kind of fucking unfair world am i living in?
and that's when i realize, there's no fairness in retoric.
people tell you, study hard, you gonna grow up and be successful. yes, that's true. the world is fair. but you can only find fairness in logic. because math, science, and all other shits that constructs the world's physic is based on logic, therefore that part of the world is fair. you do what you gotta do, you get what you deserve. 1 1 = 2 is logic, but if you add in retoric contents, or emotions, and you bend the spoon saying 1 1=3, yea, well, you fail.
logic contents are fairest to the max, you cant cheat with logic, it's very balanced. the only reason why the world survives til today and will continue to survive, is because the world is driven MOSTLY by logic. now if retoric takes over, i can guarantee you, we're gonna nuke ourselves to death in less than a minute.

on the other hand, emotions are unfair. you can give love, you give out love as much as you want, as much as you could. but sometimes you may not recieve even a fraction of them. why? because emotions are unfair. your emotion towards one can be strong as shit, but if others dont give a fuck, you dont recieve a fuck.
logically speaking, you give something, you did something, you caused something, there will be an effect. like echo. you say something it will bounce back. but in the emotional world, YOU can say something, and if im not feeling it, i dont have to talk back to you.

you cant say emotions are evil. just because you met a bitch doesnt mean everyone's a bitch. but if you're lucky to get the fairness out of emotions, then good for you. because a world without emotion, where only logic survives is boring, dry, and tasteless. that's why i think the world is fine as it is, where there's a small slice of emotion, and a big piece of logic driving everyone of us forward. but anytime each one of them decides to fuck with the other one and tries to take over, something bad's going to happen.

remember world war 2? all the hate towards jews? it's HATE, pure HATE. HATE = emotion. look how we got fucked over? look how many people died? a fine example of when emotion takes over logic, and everything goes wrong.

so dont just think the world's unfair. knowledge is logic, knowledge is fair. what you learned will be with you forever, so dont confuse it with emotions, keep studying, keep on learning, because the efforts will pay off.

on the other hand there's not much you can help you make the emotional world a fairer place. it's hard to control emotions, so the best way is just keep trying. if you dont try, you will never know when you can hit the right one. it's all luck. but one thing is certain.
no one, can be that unlucky.

whatever it is, im relieved the fact that she's already found someone else. better yet, a renter in her house, so i guess that's good. some people can forget about things uber fast. it's actually a good attribute because it doesnt bug you that much. as for me, burying myself in work seems to work fine.
but then again, time flies, soon i will be 20, then mid 20, 30, mid 30, and when i become 40, will i still have the time and sanity to try to do this again?
c'mon, im not that unlucky am i?

Episode 92: get better at lying, to yourself.

2006-02-17T03:28:00.000-08:00

once again life hits you hard like a car that hits a tree at 200mph.

if anything, from what i learned today is not to expect too much, and again, the same old lesson, dont get comfortable.
sometimes we sit back and tell ourselves, "woot, things worked out, everything's cool and all."
but that's not true. when you think you're safe, things just go wrong.
it's pretty obvious life's really spontaneous. and to think that you can predict the direction of where you're heading by just 'thinking about it' yourself is silly. you may think you're going a good way, but in fact, reality is far worst, in fact, reality heads to the opposite direction. and when you finally wake up and see what's happening, it's too late. crawl up and take a hit.

and after that, you think to youself
"was that too much? did i cross the line?"
yea son, you did.
i did.

not saying you're bad for thinking that life's good at this moment. we all do it. it's natural to relax a little and let down your alert system. that doesnt mean that person's weak, arrogant, stupid, or self-centered.
it's beause we take those hits over the next fourty and fifty years of our lives, and the more we get hit, the tougher we become, and the better we handle it.
you have to realize, the world's scary. not scary as in something randomly pops up and scares the shit out of you kind of scary. it's scary in a way that you cant predict things, you cant figure out things completely, and you can definitely not live everyday the same. the world is scary because it changes, it evolves, and whatever you do, you can cause other people to evolve, emotionally and physically. and you gotta be careful about the choices you make, and you gotta think through it, because you dont want to create something that ultimately owns your soul.
now some people say, let's not get involved

that's silly. the world's a fun place to be in, although it's scary, but it can be nice and warm sometimes. and if you dont get involved, you missed out all the good things. just for what? just so you dont have to take more hits? just so you dont have to suffer? you're encaging yourself, you locked yourself up.

dont be afraid to take hits, i know it hurts like a bizatch, and you cant argue about that. but it goes back to the whole point of being alive. is to look on the bright side, figure out what's good and what's bad, and go with what's good, learn to avoid the bad things.

yea that was bullshit, you cant avoid it.
but still. if you think about giving up, think about turning back to the cave and never decide to come out again. that ends your game.
keep moving, only through that you will finally see the light, only through that you will be able to jump on the train, and arrive at the candy land, and have as much candy as you want. and that's sweet.

but the only way to do that. you have to lie to yourself.
you dont lie about your strength, you dont lie about how other people think of you. because those are facts, those are what's real, you cant lie about it.
but you lie about your future. because it's unknown, you can get away with "not being accurate" when it turns out to be different from your lies. but if you dont lie to yourself about what may happen tomorrow, tomorrow is not going to be interesting, tomorrow will suck.

think about it. if you get real, and stop lying about a better future, a better tomorrow. the world's a horrible place to be in. people die, people get upset, people get happy FIRST, then get upset. people trick you, people want to hurt you. does living in such world have any values at all?
dispell those images, and think about how awsome tomorrow will be, how nice the day will be tomorrow when you wake up. how people will say hi to you as you pass by them. doesnt it feel great? now work hard to make it come true.

i think im going to live a happy life where i finally can find someone who will care about me, who loves me. that's a good lie, and now all you have to do is to turn that lies into reality. this is where you put in your effort. go find that somebody!

nobody wants to be a liar, so bust your ass and make your lies come true. and when it does, you'll be clean, you'll be happy, you'll be who you ultimately wanted to be.

it's almost as if you're forcing yourself to look at the brighter side. but sometimes people get tired, people turn back, without the desire, the temptation, the strength to go on, you wont get anywhere.

no matter what, pull that strength out of your ass, and just do it.

unpleasant things happen everyday. it's healthy to whine about it, we sometimes have to let it out. but dont go above the line and ruin other's day. we all deserve a little attention, we all deserve a little pity.

im lying to myself again.

Episode 91: kids from the playground

2006-02-16T03:27:00.000-08:00

yesterday - which is wednesday was the normal of all normal days.
sure enough, some of you woke up from an action packed hot spicy night, while some of us woke up from the haunting nightmares, and some of us who just couldnt sleep thanks to massive asskicking from work and homework. *oh snap*

anyways, it was all cool and normal. although portland's getting cooler everyday, in fact, people are saying friday may be the day it snows. well final-freaken-ly! i was walking to school early in the morning and you can see a layer of frost ontop of the rock and grass. which is always a good sight. i mean, before i would be jumping up and down and scream "omfg, frost". but after daddy's little trip to new york and got to see the 'real thing', winter is no suprise now.
yea you can kinda say "your trip killed winter", or simply turn around and go "hey, go places, learn something new everyday!" either way works out, but then really, the desire is gone once you owned it, that old burning passion, the myth and all that whole nine yards are gone forever. you no longer want them just as desperately as before, but it's always in your mind, sorta like "oh yea, it would be nice if i can have that..."
i had a friend who told me after he slept with his girl,

"trust me, it's all magical and shit when you dont have it, but once you do, you're just like 'what? that's it? where's all the magic?!'"

yea right...
but once you lose your desire, you gained the knowledge. at least you've experienced something new, and winter, for me, is all about the great feelings i get for rolling in snow, eating them, standing out late at night watching a mini-blizzard.

i found out that my itunes giftcard will not work in japan stores. and from the bottom of my heart i screamed "CURSE YOU STEVE JOBS!" i mean, come on, the japanese songs cost exaclt the same as american songs, in fact, they are a dollar something, and american songs are like 99cents. given the conversion and everything (100 yen = 1 dollar), 199 yen is like almost 2 dollars. AND THEY TELL ME I CANT BUY YENS WITH DOLLARS, bullshit.
i find it hard that they didnt allow us to convert that way, i mean, i saved up this giftcard since the christmas of 2004, because i knew there will be a japanese itunes music store coming up soon. after waiting half a year for it to open, which was somewhat in the summer of 2005, now it tells me i cant buy foreign songs.
well, for once the pirate wanted to support his favorite artists, but thanks to the inflexible policy made by incompetent employees at apple, i have no choice but to hit my old pirate ship for a good ol' ride in the ocean of warez, mp3, and pr0n.
before you hit me with your RIAA shits, japanese musics dont count.

everyday i take the same route to school, get off MAX the shuttle, then walk past chinatown, straight into the pearl district. it's a routine schedule sort of thing and there's nothing special about it. really, i find it funny that i have never been stopped by a bum with this route. i guess i do walk a bit too fast.
so after i left chinatown, and head to the pearl district, there's a tiny park that takes up about two blocks. it's got a basketball court, some benches, and a children playground. (it could be a kindergarten, but i doubt it)
those kids would play there everyday. and in their own bubbles they make friends, they have fun, they enjoy life just the way how they should in their younger days.
that's how it should be for every kid in this world, play! have fun! make lots of friends!
and when it rains that day, the playground will be deserted. and i chuckle everytime when i dont see the kids playing as i passed by.
"where did the kids go? haha."

looking at them everyday reminds me of some of the good times from when i was their age. although i really dont remember much form that time, but seeing them is like looking at a wedding slideshow, where they show you pictures of you and your love one, how the two of you come together and etc. and seeing the kids playing and having fun reminded me of how i used to be. how i used to see this world. (although some of the views are slightly altered, but most are still the same). and then you think to yourself

what kind of bastards would live to make kids suffer? every kids in this world deserve to play, have fun, and live. we are fortunate that we're not the ones crippled by landmines, lost both parents in war, got aids from your mother, and lived in an unfair system where education is a far fetched dream.

that's just for you to know. i know a lot of people would immediately tell you "oh yea, whenever you feel like shit you can take a good look at them and remind yourself how fortunate you are and be happy."
bullshit, it doesnt work like that. when you're unhappy, you give it some time for it to sink in. there is no way a person can go from not happy to happy in a snap.
but get real though, look on the bright side, it may not make sense to you right now because you're not happy, because shits dont go your way. but every dog has its day.
maybe that's not the best way to put it.

on the sadder note. you can see how these kids' future will be unfolded. grow up, middle school, high school, worry about their part-time job, how popular they are in school, how much money they make per week so they can afford a new jean, talk about how uncool the dorks and geeks are, have gossip, then go to college, bust their ass, got in love, got out of love, this and that, come out and get a job, got owned by their boss, and all that sweetness and bitterness of life.
and the kids themselves dont know this is what's going to happen to most of them. and they dont care, becuase it's tomorrow's business, leave it. right now all they care is how high they can swing, and how fast they can run.

the kids are right. although i know it's not right to say they dont know what's going to happen in the future. but in their head they probably thought about it, but not enough. but as it is right now, it's best to enjoy the good times.

so there you have it. have fun while you can, and dont worry too much. you know yourself the best, so you know your limit and know how far you can go. try hard, give it a shot, and dont regret it.

and tomorrow, as i walk past the playground, i hope to see the kids laughing and smiling as usual.

Episode 90: have a good valentine

2006-02-14T03:27:00.000-08:00

now first of all. i would like to say
"happy valentine's day" to those of you who celebrate it. and im sure you're happy to be with your loved ones. and i wish the all of you a happy journey!

got back home from drinking last night and man, when i got back online i can see the two big ass pieces of cloud hanging on the internet. first we have the sweet and nice pink-red-flower-chocolate-i<3u cloud, then we have the bitter-dark-jealous-depressing dark cloud.

now i know how we all feel sometimes. we are often reminded about how 'shitty' life can get when we look at some of the successful examples around us. but come on. i have 1 word for you.
"confidence"

seeing someone happy does not necessarily convey the message "man, look at him, lucky bastard, and look at me, what a bum." in fact, whoever has the guts to say that to you probably will die in a fire! instead of getting salty and really immature about how short your end of the stick is, you should congratulate your friends, the people who you care, and be hopeful and confident about yourself and your future.

listen, sometimes we get a little depressed about the future. it's unclear. i mean, who can predict the future? god knows what's gonna happen tomorrow? if man doesnt live with hope and optimism, is there a reason to wake up everyday? is there a reason to breathe? is there a reason to continue giving your love?
becuase the future is unclear, that's why we have to live to see it. it's like watching a good movie. im sure you wouldnt want to go to the bathroom at the climax, so stay tuned, good things will come to you.
and i really love to use the rain analogy. just because it rains today, that doesnt mean it's going to rain forever. so for those of you who're single (including myself), cheer up buddy, if you try hard, really be there for the ones you love, and be nice to people around you. good things will come to you.
then again, if that doesnt work, you deserve a 6 pack.

now for those of you who's in love and everything. you should realize how fortunate you are. out of billions of people, somehow, you and your significant other got together. instead of walking down that cold street alone, you now have a companion with you! dont let go of his/her hand. let him/her know how much you love him/her.
if you have a fancy plan to celebrate valentine's day, i hope it will work out for you.

some people's been saying, man, this day is just money spending, yet another day that tries to squeeze money out of my already dried up wallet.
wrong
you dont have to show your love to someone by buying them roses, chocolate, treat them to fancy ass dinner. (although that would be a bit easier for you to help express your feelings) it's all about caring, loving, and kindness.

think about why we give gifts? what's the meaning of a gift?
sure "my girlfriend can use an ipod" or "my boyfriend wanted that book so badly", but if you think about it, buying a gift is just a way to hire someone to accomplish something for you which you really couldnt accomplish yourself. can you make an ipod from scratch? do you have the knowledge to write that book? if you cant do it, find someone to do it for you. it's not about the gift, but ultimately, it's your intention of trying to make your love ones happy by satisfying his/her need.

so spend your money wisely, and think about what she/he really wants. put that money in good use, and i can guarantee you that's going to be a sweet piece of gift!

(well you're probably thinking "man, wtf is this bullshit, common sense", but hey, common sense is something only a single dude can pull out of his lone ass)

i know all the talk doesnt work, so let's get practical.
for those of you who's really having a hard and long day. how bout starting your day with a ton of work on your desk? go bury your head in work. and work your ass off. afterall, today's no different from any other day. still 24 hours, still 60 seconds a minute, 60 minutes an hour. you will forget about all the silly thoughts you had when you wake up this morning thanks to fatigue! and after a whole day of labor, when you land on your bed by yourself tonight, you're gonna think to yourself "wow, today seemed short"
it works most the time, try it, it's not like you're gonna lose anything, in fact, you can actually increase your productivity today!

and remember, you're cool, you're good, and ontop of it, you're lovable.

good thing's gonna happen to you, very soon!
happy valentine's day!

Episode 89 warning the breakup, ex-hating, post angst level: [][][][][][][][][]

2006-02-12T03:27:00.000-08:00

i really want to apologize before i continue writing anymore of this post. but if you arent into reading a bunch of hate and rant that's related to my personal life, (there will be no tech news in this one, no reviews, no any interesting [if my stories are actually interesting] stories, in fact, this is friends only, so if you're reading this, im sure you pretty much know what kind of person i am/can be sometimes) save yourself some time and hit the back button, go to another page. sorry but, sometimes even i have to let it out. it has to be now.
now recently i broke up with my girlfriend. you know when i typed this i actually chuckled. now hold your fucking thoughts before you think of it as "ehehe, funny". no, this isnt funny at all, at least not to me. i just find it hard that she was actually my girlfriend.
again, if you ignored what i wrote on top, and are still reading, this post is just pure "ex-blaming" "ex-hating" "angst" and possibly "deaththreats" (just kidding on that one).
this whole journey of pain started last year summer. i got back from my summer break, and met her. and please for the fucking love of god you have to believe me that i really did liked her, in fact, i still do like her, but not in that way, not anymore, i cant go on to like her like how i did, and you will know why, stop fucking asking for a second. so anyways i liked her a lot, but what kinda bothers me a little is the fact that she's just a bit reclusive. other than that, i really did liked her.
so i tried, and i asked her out. and amazingly she did went out with me to movie and stuff. so that was great, and i let her know that i had a crush on her and everything. she reacted rather oddly, saying "yea that's what boys do arite". ok, yea, that's what we do, that's cool, not saying anything about that.
she didnt rejected me or anything, which is fine and all. and i didnt go furthur, and we kinda just... stops there. but i continued to ask her out.
and so every week, or i get a chance i would ask her out, and i know we both have homework and everything, but im willing to put aside my work for a little bit, bend my back and spend some time with her to get to know her better, and progress. come on, that's common sense, you tell the person you like her and you do stuffs with/for her, and that's how things build up, it's not like passion suddenly spawns and the two of you get marry and wa-the-fuck-la you have a happy loving life.
but NOPE! she would turn me down every week as i asked her. either busy with homework, or her mother coming over to visit her (which she really did almost every week). but aside from that, i knew she was just spending time late at night playing SMASH BROTHER on gamecube and wake up 12 oclock the next day and do homework all day. i was rather pissed when i first heard that, but hey, you cant force it, really, so i looked at the big picture, and told myself, "you gotta give it some time, not everybody's like you, you gotta accept other people."
so that's cool and all, i gave it some time, and she actually did accepted my invite to a movie. but the whole reason and all that nine years behind it was "we should go out now, when the term gets busy we probably dont have the time to do that". hey, i agree, school kills.
and believe me, that's the second time, and the LAST FUCKING TIME we went to see a movie together. and i had forgotten how many times i actually asked her out. you will know why.
i gave her a lot of gifts and everything, try to talk to her more, asked her if she needs any help and all. and the reply is?
"andy, if i need your help, i would ask you, dont keep asking me if i need help or not." that's cool, no really, that's cool, im just probably too stupid and stuff, no i really think it's just me being too caring and everything. but damn, that's kinda cold, even to a person who would offer you his help all the time, still, im taking it cool.
so at the end of the term i finally picked up my balls, and asked her to be my girlfriend. and well, the one thing that i remembered, which made me happy was that she said yes. well, like they say, efforts you put in wont be wasted, work hard for your love!
im here to prove that shit wrong, right now.

here's the fucking catch. she took the fall term off, which means, from september all the way to janurary she will not be going to school. reason: she missed her family. (ok, makes sense, i mean, sometimes you kinda need a break or something to see your family, i dont want to say much about this). summer term ended at the middle of august, and i asked her to be my girlfriend at the middle of august.
that only means 1 thing. i wont be able to see her for the next 4 fucking monthes.
well, i mean, phone call works right? if not, you can write her letters!
true. so for the next 4 monthes, we communicated ONLY via e-mail. NO PHONE CALLS. NA-UH, NOTHING. didnt even get her home phone number. now maybe im too stupid to ask her for it, and you know i can be an idiot sometimes, i dont blame her, it's all on me.
so i took advantage of every email i wrote, and i wrote a shit load ot her, to let her know how i am, how im feeling and everything, you know, i mean, come on, we just started a relationship, we gotta communicate! that's the one thing that's important! two page letter? i double that anyday!
and she ONLY replies with less than 2 paragraphes. ok, i know some people can be brief and clear like that. unlike me, going in circle all the time, trying to find the right word to make a description, that's cool, people are different, im not bitching.
since my lease with the student housing is up, so i decided to move out to across the river in, away from downtown to find a place that has cheaper rent. and indeed i did found a cheaper place, very close to the school, close to student housing so i can still visit my friends. but the next thing i know, she's moving out of student housing too, and her mom is buying her a house so that she can live in a house instead of living in the dorm and everything.
the next thing i knew, she wrote me a long ass letter concerning about who to move into her house and stuff, and that's the long ass letter, the one and only long ass letter i get from her. aww, that's nice.
the next, she asked me if i want to move in with her. now i was fucking blind at that moment, and fucking yes i want to be with her, spend time with her, GET TO KNOW HER since WE DIDNT DO MUCH TOGETHER. (and by that i really meant we didnt do much together, and yes, we never hold hands. now this is mainly me being too afraid to grab her hand, stone me all you want, that's my fault. but aside from that, we didnt really go out at all, because, like i said, she always give me an excuse to DODGE the oppurtunity)
so i accepted the deal and thought im going to move in with her. and this, ladies and gentleman, happened at JANURARY. which means after 4 fucking monthes of waiting and faith and all that shit you can recall from the list of "being a good partner". i thought, 'sweet, finally our relationship is moving forward'.
NOPE! so she got back in janurary. again, being really in love, i asked her out, at least to see each other. NOPE! GET TURNED DOWN AGAIN! (now before you go into saying he's such a horrible person, people are really busy sometimes. yea, im kinda horrible, in a way, because i really liked her and i havent seen her in 4 monthes, i really want to get back in touch with her, but yes, people are busy, and to have them pull apart of their precious time from homework/gaming/whatever that is important to them is a horrible horrible thing to do)
then it just suddenly hits me. in one of the emails, i dug up, and she wrote something like this:
"if we dont have the same schedule, then i guess we wont be able to see each other anymore."
reason why she meant we wont be able to see each other anymore is because her new house that her mommy bough her is in gresham, and i live in portland district, and for those of you who dont know, gresham to portland is a 45 minute shuttle bus ride. so does this means our relationship will become one of those highschool...worst... middleschool "i will love you only when i see you in school" kind of shit?
and i swear to god i will do ANYTHING to prevent that from happening. so i tried. that's why i was about to move to her house to live with her. you know what, friends are friends, they can understand me moving so far away from them, besides, we can hang out sometimes. that's what i had in mind. and it stops right when i got a job.
yes, for those of you who dont know, i got a job at school, and im working part-time right now. and to be honest, it's a good job, everybody are nice there, very kind, and willing to help, and couple of my best friend also work there, which makes me glad that im working with my good friends, a very good working environment. and that's when i realize. if i move to gresham, i will have to kill my own ass everyday to get to work. but then again, it's not bad, i will do it for her love, i do it because i love her.
fucking wrong. now i scheduled myself to move in with her in around end of jan or beginning of feburary. and for the winter term, which is this current term. i dont have a single class with her. so i practically dont see her at school. well, that's fine, it's okay. i can always make it up when we're outside of school, i ask her out, or ask her if it's okay for me to go over and see her.
NOPE! wanna go to movie? NOPE, but i guess it would be better once i move in and watch it with her AT HOME. need help doing work around the house? heard you need to get some wood chopped. NOPE! ANDY I ONLY NEED YOUR HELP WHEN I TELL YOU I NEED YOUR HELP. well, what can i say, i guess i have to move in first.
then it just hit me. really, like a wakeup call? or did i got impatient? am i wrong? or is she wrong?
listen, i waited for 4 monthes for you to come back so we can continue this relationship. for 4 monthes, it's only me who's the mail sender and you the replyer. for 4 monthes, aside from my foolishness to forget to ask you for your phone number we had never talked until you gave me the phone number for the house in gresham, but that's only after i agreed to move there with you. for 4 monthes i never felt like you are just right here with me, and i dont mean physically. I MEANT SPIRITUALLY, I DONT FEEL YOUR EXISTENCE AT ALL. for 4 monthes i have to wake the fuck up everyday, remind the shit out of myself that I AM IN A RELATIONSHIP, I GOTTA DO WHAT I CAN TO KEEP THIS ALIVE. I AM NO LONGER SINGLE, NOW ANDY, SMILE SO YOU ACKNOWLEDGED TO WHAT I JUST TOLD YOURSELF. for 4 monthes, i felt like im single, except with the tag says "hi, im a boyfriend" attached to it, but i didnt get to do anything about it. for 4 monthes, i worried everyday, and i have to LIE TO MYSELF TO THINK THAT THINGS WILL GET BETTER, MAYBE AFTER THIS 4 MONTHES YOU WILL PERHAPS GROW UP A LITTLE AND REALIZE THAT WE NEED TO COMMUNICATE MORE, DO MORE THINGS TOGETHER AND THAT WAY OUR RELATIONSHIP WILL CONTINUE IN A HEALTHY WAY.
am i wrong here? i am wrong, partially. yes, but im disappointed that i wasted 4 monthes on a flower that wont bloom.
realizing what is happening to me, and this relationship. first thing i did was i got real, and i realize that if i move to gresham, my life will become hell when i go to work, go to school, and to have any social life at all (consider i dont have much now, will i have any when i move with her?), also the fact that for 4 monthes i am used to living by myself, not that i cant change, but for what reason? for yet another stupid thinking that "if i do this to her maybe she will realize that i really like her?". have i not sacrifised enough? will i need to cut my head of to prove that i love this this much. you can give me a fucking lecture on how much you can love a person but pl-the-fuck-ease, get real, sometimes too much is too much. i love you and shit, but out of passion and blindly make stupid commitment will only make me the one that gets hurt. there has to be something that i really just cant do for you. fuck your philosophical shits. get real.
so i told her i cant move in with her. and then, i realize what is going to happen. if she wants a "i love you only when i can see you" shit and now i cannot sacrifise anymore to be with her, is this relationship going to end? well you can tell me "oh it doesnt have to, you can always go visit her". but THERE YOU HAVE THE FUCKING ANSWER, i asked her if she wants to go out she SAID NO, i asked her if i can go over to help on some house work she said NO.
ISNT THAT FUCKING CLEAR?

listen, her family is wealthy, buys her a house, pay for her school. her parents love her really much, and they dont ever want her to be hurt, they protect her, really really love their daughter. she's got a lot of friends in washington, she always hang out with them. they like her too, they really love being around her, and they love to do the same things together, watch pokemon, play super smash brother, play DS and everything. she's not bad looking, in fact, there're couple guys chasing after her, there's no problem that she wont be able to find a nice guy and start a good relationship. she has everything, money, family, friends, lovers. but i dont. im broke as fuck, miles and miles away from my parents, with my mom running off in my earlier years and NEVER STOOD TO FIGHT FOR CUSTODY. i dont have much friends, except a few close ones because my english was a piece of shit back in high school, and i felt like i lucked out this time being able to find a girl who likes me ONLY BECAUSE I DID EVERY FUCKING THING I THOUGHT I COULD DO IN ORDER TO IMPRESS HER, PLEASE HER, KEEP THIS THING VIVID AND ALIVE, MAKE SMILES, SMILE EVEN WHEN I REALLY CANT, DO THE BEST FUCKING THING EVER, LIE TO MYSELF, JUST SO I GET A RELATIONSHIP GOING ON, OR SHOULD I FUCKING CORRECT THE PREVIOUS SENTENSE AS "JUST SO I GET A FUCKING ONE SIDED RELATIONSHIP GOING ON." she can go off somewhere and still be happy, I CANT. I HAVE TO LIE THROUGH MY TEETH TO FORGET ALL THE SHIT THAT HAPPENED.
then i realize we are two different people.
it's perfectly fine if she wants to be in that bubble that she stayed in for 20 years. it's fine if she just wants to be a kid and never grow up, it's fine if she has everything that i dont have and want to have. it's all fine. im accepting everything. i know people are all different, have different values, and expect different things, play a different role, it's all fine. but as for me, i couldnt stand it anymore. we are too different.
so i broke up with her. and in a letter to reply, this is what she wrote to me.

"Fair enough. I really am not ready for a romantic relationship anyways. I thought I would give it a shot, but... I hope everything works out for you, I am sure given some time you will find yourself a girl who appreciates you as much as you deserve."

im not shitting you. this is the whole mail. THIS, IS, THE, WHOLE, FUCKING, MAIL. let's count, 1...2....3... 3 sentences.
i dont want to count how much i wrote, nor do i want to tell you the approximate. but she summed up our relationship from her perspective in 3 sentences, she summed up all my love towards her in 3 sentences, god damn, that's skill. it's confession, explaination, and blessing all in 3 sentences. quick, chop, bam, zoom, all done!

listen. dont give me shit like "i can do anything for her" anymore. because after this, YOU CANT DO ANYTHING FOR HER. and even if you did, you will be kicking your own ass afterward realizing that for the "love" word you put yourself in the shit pond, knee deep. and also, dont fucking try to pull a relationship with yourself, 1 man show, rambo, mike tyson, or whatever the fuck you think is good. it doesnt work like that. dont fucking lie to yourself thinking things will get better. IF IT DOESNT GET BETTER IN THE FIRST MONTH, YOU SHOULD RETHINK YOUR LIFE. WHY GO ON AND LIE AND PRETEND THINGS ARE COOL AND FINE FOR THE NEXT FOUR FUCKING MONTHES?

so.. im out. im out of it i guess. but i told her we can still be friends, talk to each other, go to movies (that's if she ever wants to fucking go anywhere), and anything a friend would do for each other. but i just really cant bring myself to love her anymore. because this is shit.
then she doesnt talk to me anymore. hey, im really non-hostile toward anybody or anything. if she wants to talk, im up. but i guess she would just want to avoid me. that makes me feel like i gave away a pumpkin pie, and im about to give away an apple pie.
sucks :( for the whole time it was just a dream, a dream that i had, thinking that things would be nice and all. i really dreamed about being really happy with her together. finally starting a relationship, really get to know the magic behind it all. growing up, being a normal person, do what normal people would do. then again, when you wake up from it, you realize you still have a long way to go to get to where you wanted to be, 5 monthes ago.
and ive let all the hot air out. all i want to do now is to go to sleep. wake up, work on homework, and all those silly thoughts would go away.
the world's a nice place, just that you gotta find the nice place, and not all the places are nice, not all the people are nice, but you gotta find it. and just because you dont find it now, doesnt mean you will never be able to find it. because if you think you'll never be able to find it, then you will never find them, never ever. but if you keep the hopes in your head, and go search for it, and wait patiently, things will come around.
now if this shit doesnt work, then i'll need a 6 pack to back it up.

Episode 87: must... finish.. this.. one.. before itis...

2006-02-06T03:26:00.000-08:00

it's midterm week. yep, busy is the only word suitable to describe work. people coming in and out for print request and borrowing our tools to cut their projects. i feel sorry for the print service center guys because they are busy to the boots. imagine, getting request from both students and faculty. the only thing i can say to my customers is
"i dont make the rules here, so be nice"
and we have people being snappy on the phone, but i guess at the end everything worked out. oh yea.

talk about tireness. today's the first time i slept in the lab. i wouldnt call it a good sleep, but it was an awsome 1 hour nap. while working on editing things slipped through my mind, since i had to wait an hour for the files to transfer over, might as well take a nap, the chair is, i swear to god, comfortable. and you wont believe how little i have to adjust myself to to fall asleep.
im sure the interrior design girls were looking at me funny.

so i went to grocery shoping with my buddies pao, patrick, charlie (<3), and lauren. picked up a jar of kimchi. and by the time im writing this, it's half gone.

kimchi is officially beating dim sum on my list. i know, it's rotten cabbage, but it tastes FREAKING SWEET.
kimchi fry rice anyone?
and to thsoe of you who make fun of other culture's food, you better not let me catch you eating them in the future, i'll make you puke it out. with my built in ninja power. that's right, you know every asian is a pre-made ninja. all we gotta do is tap into our ninja network, and there you have it, kungfus and shit.
as much as you hate the food, there're people out there that likes it, so if you dont have anything good to say about it, dont say it.

it's official now. patrick's addicted to WASABI PEAS. he bough a can last night, and when i got off work today, that can's gone.
if you havent tried it before, you should, it's good stuff, very addicting, though can make you cry, but clears your nose. all the goods and bads is like ping pong...

we were talking about the world's fastest and best eater last night while driving back. apparently this japanese dude can eat sushi with wasabi inside. in fact, he eats everything. hotdogs, dip the buns in water and eat with the dogs straight, just name a food and he'll eat it for you. so i was thinking, once the contest is over and he has to go shit... does he shit a brick?
i think ive seen the dude on tv before, if he's the skinny one, then i am even more amazed. you would expect a fat dude to be able to eat tons of stuffs, or any stuffs.
why didnt i practice fast eating when i was young! i could be earning some sweet cash right now.

talk about cash, an interesting fact:
bill gate's tax information is stored in a SPECIAL computer assigned by the government. he currently has about 45billion dollars.
buy me a psp, bill.
dude, guess what would happen if bill gates went to visit a kindergarten, and this one kid goes up to him and beg him for an xbox 360.
"here kid, this, is a 3000 dollars credit card, go get your console, and buy whatever game you want until this card runs out."
or
"here's a memo, bring it to the store and they will give you a xbox 360, plus they will ship you all the new games as soon as they hit the store"
better yet, he probably prepares a shit load of them before he vists the kindergarten and pass them out like santa when he arrives there.
that's the word, bill gates' generous, he's not exactly the darth vader that we think he is. and since im a pc guy, i really dont have much to say about him besides
"i want my vista, now"

the itis kicks in.

Episode 86: solved by sleeping

2006-02-05T03:25:00.000-08:00

it could be true.
patrick, "dude, you have insomnia."
me, "how did that happen?"
patrick, "because you fucked up your schedule man."
when i was in china, for fun, once, i tried a sleeping pill. here's how i describe it, i dont know if this is actually how i felt.
i was still sober. and i was on my bed, and talking, talking... then i begin to think if a sleeping pill cant put me out. then i thought, nah, maybe this is just a placibo thing, sleeping pills dont work.
suddenly, i felt really relaxed, and the feeling of 'relaxed' increases exponentially. although i continue to hold up the conversation with my cousin, but i think at that time i was talking jibberish, because my brains no longer calculates accurately and i was being put to sleep.
the last thing i remembered was repeating, "yea... yea... true... yea...".
i was defenseless
your mind goes numb, then you slowly, unwillingly, fall asleep.

does this mean daddy's going to have to start taking those damn pills? (it sounds wrong, but you know what im talking about) im really having a hard time falling asleep every night, and the only worry i have is that i might not be able to wake up on time if i take sleeping pills, or my body is so over-relaxed to the point where i may not be able to sense danger.

it's pretty stupid, but i have a pretty big issue about waking up on time. body's tricky, you uncontrollably turn off the alarm, and fall back into sleep. but that's once you are able to get any sleep. sorta like momentum, once you start running, it builds up.

happened several times that i woke up all of the sudden, look at the alarm, right on time to go to school/work.
of course, who can forget the "half-asleep, half-awake" state that i always get. it's like being dead and alive at the same time.
i think a sleeping woman is attractive in her own, special way.

went to school to work on stuff all day today. the school's network is coming to a meldown. it's slow as hell and the computers are dying slowly. i think it all started from the day when tim decided to start filtering the web contents on the master server. then the days of fast internet connection is no more.

before i was really skeptical about indian food. especially like, lamb and their curry, sure i like curry and everything, but that sounds a bit too foreign to me. so today i finally gathered up the conrage to try out the indian resturant in the mall.
and you know damn right i was wrong
it was delicious, lamb curry, very tender and spicy. im not too crazy about spice, but i'll dig whatever that tastes good. seriously, for those of you who're reading. dont ever overlook a foreign cuisine because you've never heard much about it or tried it before. you dont know what's out there until you try it out (except drugs, you should know better).

approaching midterm, work's going to be busy, with tons of people coming in for print services and copy services. sounds exciting, but with my condition right now, especially not being able to fall asleep every night, only getting 2-3 or sometimes 4 hours of sleep is bad news. then again, i really enjoy this job, i aint bitchin'.

3:00 in the afternoon, we were at the mall eating.
"dude, i would walk around and salute the man who's holding a lady's hand right now"
patrick, "why?"
"cuz they sacrifised their precious superbowl to go out with their love ones."

to the those of you who are willing to sacrifise, or have already done so.
this one's for you.

Episode 85: daddy's potential crisis(es)

2006-02-04T03:25:00.000-08:00

*firefox crashed on me while i was writing. just to let you know, i had a better version before, but now, you might have to read what i wrote in a nutshell, i knew i should of done it in notepad, just a lesson that you learn*

so after an intense lesson on CSS given by my co-worker, Pao. the page is up with new design! woohoo! profile finally got rid of that gay baby blue theme. seriously man, i didnt like the pattern much, and plus ive got a good patterened background now, oh yea! big thanks to my buddy Pao, who's a know-it-all (in a positive way). seriously, the two of us are like, BAM! i get a lot of tech news from him, and a lot of neat apple tricks, pao's very good with apple computers, while im mediocre with PC. then again, here we go with the mac bash:
sorry guys, but half a pc is still better than one mac.
just kidding, i really suggest you readers who are looking for an upgrade to check out the new Intel-Macs. with new intel chipsets, those macs are very very fast. if you arent too into gaming and really looking for a pc that's easy to use, fast, can do most of your office work and school work, dont hesitate, www.apple.com, see for yourself.

some of you might ask why the black background and everything. just to let you guys know, this isnt like your punk/goth/heavymetalRNR type of websites. i thought i should introduce a more subtle color combination. didnt really want to use color because the slightest bit of offset in the combination will totally throw people off, so i guess i should just keep it real and use a grayscale combination. however, for you web developers out there, check these two sites out:
http://www.colorcombos.com/
http://www.webdevelopersnotes.com/design/14.php3
color combos allows you to grab color combination off of another site, not exactly copying, but you can use them as reference, so if you see a good site, like MSN, and really wanna see their color combination, colorcombos can grab it for you. also webdeverlopernotes.com has a lot of color combinations for you to pick out. so feel free to take a look, and perhaps the next time i open my firefox my eyes wont have to bleed.

i realize my ipod's slowly dying. this is bad news. i really dont feel like forking over couple hundred bucks for another one. but if it dies this summer, im going to have to consider getting a new one. that means daddy might need to gather some extra cash. i thought about replacing batteries, but i tried it once, it worked, but the battery is unpredictable, it randomly died on me couple times, i guess it drains out pretty fast, not exactly a good replacement plan. (yes kids, take it from me, i actually opened my ipod with tools and everything, therefore i voided my warranty, although my warranty was already expired, but please, i hope you wont open yours, trust me, you dont want to)

everyone's talking about the superbowl on sunday, at least a lot of people that i know are going to be watching. im not a big fan for football, but if there's a soccer game though, i would watch it. not going to go into how american changed the word 'football' around and turn it into this 'stupid' sport, but im kind of a soccer fan i suppose. i dont really have a favorite team, but if you got a game, then i would be interested to watch.

i know this is kinda late and all, but i would do it as a way to thank my readers.
im offering google invite, if you want an invite, send me a message with your email address included and i can invite you to gmail. it's a 2gigabyte email service, you can do a lot of neat stuffs with your mailbox. for example, create filters, so you can track your incoming mails and sort them automatically, rate your messages, a good spam control (customizable too, i think), plus it also has a desktop client call GNotifier that tells you when you have incoming mails and instantly shows you the subject and a little bit of the contents. for those of you who use outlook, gmail is also easy to configure with your outlook, there are tutorials out there on the internet. i have a lot of invites available, so feel free to let me know!

it's feburary, to some, good things are about to happen (i assume you will be getting some this year, or you got some last year, back for more?), while to the very little of us (i really dont want to include myself in this, you hear me? i stay neutural), feburary is a reminder.
a japanese friend told me a while back, that on valentine's day, instead of guys doing something for the girls, in japan, girls would actively give chocolates to guys.
aww, sweet.
so i guess it would be disasters for the jocks, oh noes!

and i heard the girls would make their own chocolates...
hahaha

Episode 84: bam! a newer and more comfortable look!

2006-02-02T03:24:00.000-08:00

the blog should have a more ergonomic color combination now. i didnt really want to up the chroma for the design, so gray with close value seems to work out fine, no more intense black and white viewing, easier on the eyes perhaps. i'm suprised that myspace doesnt offer bold blog fonts, maybe i can fiddle the css field for it, but as for now, this is a pretty good color preset, and im sticking with it, hope you feel comfortable viewing it. let me know.

if im not waiting for class right now, i would be sleeping. notice that this going to be posted around noon, means it's not about today. so im going to write something about wednesday.

what makes a good teacher, well, good?
answer: when your teacher knows how to organize his/her contents, take it slow but nail the subjects effectively.
i really dont want to say much about my introduction to editing teacher. i respect him because he certainly knows what he's doing, just that perhaps he lacks the experience in teaching. and whenever we go over editing he would throw us massive technical information about editing.
i'm always happy to hear about tech information, all the specification and stuff, i mean, they are important, and you'll be the joke of the day if you screw up NTSC with PAL. (oooh...). however, we didnt have much hands on experience about the editing program, i dont know about you, but i really look forward to being able to edit things on final cut, being able to do my own music video and everything.

if by any chance im going to be teaching in the future. i'll make sure that i dont overwhelm my students with technical information. you cant force it man, and what differentiates failing and passing is how often you practice what you've learned. give the kids more hands on, they'll eventually come up with the questions when they get stuck, that's where the tech info kicks in.

yesterday my school hosted this CHINESE NEW YEAR student appriciation day thing. to be honest, i was kinda ticked off by the fact that we only get treated with fry noodles, rice, and some vegetable mix. COME ON, it's my holiday. if you dont have enough funding to do it, you might as well dont. besides, the cater thing started at 11:00 in the morning, and my class doesnt get out til 45 minutes later. and what happened was exactly what i predicted. by the time i got there the food was gone, holy shit. :(
that just goes to show, college students are crazy, if it's food, any food, as long as it's free, they'll eat it.

for the rest of the day, went back home, started working on my Game Design class' homework. all the way from 5 to 11 in the morning, that's right, marathon. still didnt get most of it done, although the visuals are not needed on friday, but damn i want to push the concept design all the way to production stage. tired of getting stuck at preproduction.

and i have only 1 thing to say to you kids out there, playing your ps2, begging your mom for another new release.
you better thank those people who made the games, it aint like "puff puff oh here you go".
designing a boardgame, a simple boardgame involves with basic combat and upgrade is time consuming. the obvious: you shouldnt make overpowered units. the problems: there're just too many elements, practically no where to start.
but i believe that getting the units with their attributes down is the easier way to go about, because from that point on you know what to adjust. then again, everybody has their different working habbit, figuring out how a player can gather in the beginning of the development can also unlock a lot of suprises. but nonetheless, i really enjoy these assignments. though i have to admit that im not too creative, and my ideas are cheesy and overused. but these are the kind of things that i was looking forward to when i signed up for the school!

supposedly, in any video games, you can calculate ways to win with just math. however, i dont really want to go there, so, i leave it for you to think about it. though, with games that relies heavily on luck or chances, the math may be slightly complex and unclear.

hope that didnt crack your head or something, school's calling.

Episode 83: the countdown for serious balls!

2006-01-31T03:24:00.000-08:00

first of all i'd like to say
Thank You!

ive been getting some blog views recently. this means you guys are still reading the blog, big thanks to all of you readers there. since now im back with more time to squeeze out of work/study/gaming/web browsing, i should be blogging everyday, or every other day on busy times. but like i said, thanks guys for reading, really cool!

then i like to say that, IM NOT FIRED! woot! but it's not something to be happy about, basically im on thin ice, at least that's how i look at it. if i dont crank up some productivity at work, or better customer service (hey man, it's not like im like, uber mad at my customers, i always try to smile at people's passing by, make jokes when they come to me and stuff, complimenting on their work, etc etc), i'm going to get fired for simply not being the right person they're hiring for. hey man, crazy real world there, dealing with customers takes patience and a lot of smiley, although most of them are really nice people and stuff, and as always, Dr. Brown, who's one of the professors in the school that has the Dr. Aura (it's the aura you get for getting a PHD, well, in this case, TWO), is asking me to make copies for her as usual. and to be honest, she's like the best. with instructions written on all the papers and a very approachable attitude, i love making copies for her.
while all that happened on monday afternoon...
just to let those FMA fans out there to know, the MOVIE is out on DVD, there're fan sub versions, so if you are like me waited forever for the release, go get it.

sometimes you wonder why life's gotta be so shitty, and you start writing death notes and stuff. arite man, chill out.
if life's not coming at you at every negative ways possible, assuming if you live your life smooth with no regrets and pain and all that shits that you dont like on the menu. god damn, i dont know man, you're one spoiled mother fucker.
but do we ever hear about "man life's hard" from people like that? probably not, that's because they are perfectly content with their life. the old saying "if it aint broken, dont fix it", if you're good, you're only gonna get better. people usually kinda forget about the harsh reality of life when they live in a good way. like the infomercials say, "sure you may put it on the 'to-do-list' and go to bed, then the next day, forget about it". that's true.
but it's those who're really really not getting anywhere that begin to realize that whenever a good oppurtunity lands on them, they better cling onto it like magnets to steel.
it sounds really insensitive to say "it will get better" or "no big deal dude, go take a walk". but think about it, it rained today, what's the odd of it repeating everyday? (unless you're in the hurricane season, but still, that's only a season)
it's like in a video game, if you have all the god modes and full ammo on, and you blast the living shits out of everything you see, eventually it gets boring and you'll fall asleep. that's like life, if you live a smooth, problem-free, care-free life, it's good, and i sure as hell want one, but that's boring.
from all the obstacles in life, all that shits that hit the fan, all the turn down and chair-throwing, hair-pulling moments, you begin to realize who really do care about you, and how you can learn to avoid it next time if it happens again. it's like learning to shitdodge, got hit this time? learn to dodge it next time.
when you're rich and wealthy, people paint rubber cement on them and they glue to you. not because they care about you, but because they want your money. (ahaha, you're probably saying 'no shit'). but in a desperate struggle between your evil twin and the righteous you (as an example), people who truly cares for you and will be there for the, well, i hope the righteous one, are the people who's got serious balls for you.
so at the count of 3, i want you to put down your death note, take off those shitty makeups on your face, and smile at the monitor.
it's hard to do it when you havent done that in a long time, or you've spent a lot of time browsing through m-w.com for the synonym of "despair".
but if you dont, you're gonna be walking with an umbrella everyday in your hand, and wherever you go, it will rain, endlessly. chuck norris will round house kick you if you dont smile, and Mr.T will tell you "I PITTY THE FOOL LIKE YOU" in your dreams. and of course, vin diesel.......

nevermind about vin diesel.

3
2
1.

Episode 82: new year kick off, with bad start.

2006-01-30T03:24:00.000-08:00

ok first of all, happy chinese new year for those of you who cares, or pretends to care. anyways, dont make me say that kung hee fat choy thing (i did it), arite, now that we get the greetings out of the way, it's time to talk about how crappy it is to start off your new year.

so i slept to 2 today, in the afternoon that is. then i woke up by a phone call, it's from the portland area, so probably some friend of mine who called. later i discovered something even more horrifiying. just makes me shitless.

pat told me i forgot to lock the door before i left on saturday night, moreover the freaking security DID NOT locked it... or couldnt lock it? i dont know, either way he didnt do it too. of course im not going to blame on him, but as if now, ALL FINGERS POINT TOWARD ME. that's right, i forgot to lock up the place before i leave from work. and now this is the only thing i have to say to that

"aw shit"

so i called my boss, expecting some yelling and all. well, not exactly what i wished for, but he gave me a verbal warning. well, i suppose ive used up my first life, and looks like i only have another one left in my disposal before i get my ass fired.

ok kids, if anything, and you are working closing, why dont you take the lesson from uncle Jonathan Andy that YOU BETTER MAKE A FREAKING TATTOO ON YOUR BODY THAT TELLS YOU TO LOCK EVERYTHING BEFORE YOU LEAVE.

sorry for the cap but i feel so stupid now. at least now im being put on the status of "thin ice", and even if im not on thin ice, which i kinda dont want to be on, now all my co-workers knew this incident, and when i walk in it would be like this

"shh shh, the idiot's here"
"hey guys, sup?"
"nothing... did you.... forget... to zip up?"

ok, that's too extreme, but come on, you can easily burn someone like that, not funny.
ok, bad chinese new year start, with my ass on the edge of getting kicked and all. let's hope this is going to be a great year for me! the year of dog, or shall i say? the year of dawg? eh yo G, that's right, from the street, BROOKLYN.

***********the following is intended for peoeple with similar interests, if you arent into these kind of stuff, you might as well close your browser**************
so i got my hands on the game Nexus: The Jupiter Incident. first of all, i like to give kudos to the dude who worked on the texture for that game, cuz it's awsome. also, the concept design department shall recieve cookies for their awsome uber spaceship concepts. good art directions and all, the game looks gorgeous. First the good then the bad, i hate to say this, but this game is the more boring one ive seen in years. battles take forever to end, you have to shoot zillions times to blow off enemy's laser turret, WTF kind of POS weapon is that? and the traveling time is amazingly long, i understand it's space, but i think freelancer did better with the whole combat system and traveling mechanism. i was falling asleep on the second mission.
dont get me wrong, i like the game, just that i wish it would be a bit faster, space combat is always one of my all time fav, but i want fast pace space combat, quick snap snap snap boom boom then you're done, wtih good plots and stuff. Nexus sure has a good plot, very good voice acting. For those of you who really enjoy strategy games that really gets you thinking and enjoy being the captain of a space ship, you would love Nexus: The Jupiter Incident, go out there and get one. as for those of you who's looking for fast pace games, sorry dude, this one might not be the keeper, you are better off playing republic commando or quake 4.

Episode 81: In loving memory of Snowflake

2006-01-23T03:23:00.000-08:00

one day, i woke up half awake and half asleep, it happens to everybody, maybe it happens to you more often than it does to me. but on that particular morning, i felt like i missed something, something that's buried in my memory for a long long time, not wanting to be dug up. I woke up, and said to myself, "snowflake."

snowflake's the name of a cat that i used to play with. it's not exactly my pet, but we were so close that i technically owned her. it's a strange story, so i spent the entire day trying to recall what really happened to her.

it goes back, around 8 years ago. when i was still in china, as a kid. every summer i would live in my grandma's house at the edge of the city. seriously, nobody really gives a damn about that place, but that's not important. i was living with my uncle, my aunt, gramp and gram. school's out for the summer break so, hanging out with my cousin used to be the best thing ever happened to me. my uncle works outside of the city so bascially there's gramp, gram, cousin, aunt, and me in the house. the house isnt big, but it isnt small, two stories with a roof (balcony-like), so gramp would throw all his scraps on the roof, but to make life easier he would throw in some plants and flowers to decorate it. usually his scraps are covered by a big piece of hard leather, but it gets dusty becuase we rarely paid any attention to it.

one evening, just after dinner, i was at second floor, sitting on the couch. it was a hot summer evening, and there's nothing good on TV, i thought it would be yet another boring night. then something hit me. it sounded like a cat, and it's consistant. i followed my ears, which took me straight to the roof. but i looked everywhere, not a single sign of a cat, but something tells me im getting closer and closer to the source. that's when i realize, it's coming from the scraps.

so i went over, and i lift up the thick piece of leather. and i was stunned. a white kitten, shivering, covered with dust, and broken spider net stuck to its back. holy shit. i took a closer look at it, trying to move away some of the metal frames and boxes. the closer i get, the more disgusting it appears.
yea the kitten's shivering bad, mostly because there're god knows how many flees crawling on her.

ive been pretty bad with animals, i tried to raise turtles, but they just past away mysteriously, i got chased away when i try to get close to the territory marked by my neighbor's dog, and of course, any cats would just teleport themselves out of my sight before the H in "hi" ever gets out of my mouth. but this time, is the first time ive ever had such close encounter with an animal, it feels exactly like when you just unlocked a secret level in a video game without reading a strategy guide and you dont know what the fuck is going to happen next, so? play on.

i tried really hard to convince my aunt to adopt this poor kitten, and to show my devotion for this poor thing, i reached into the pile of junks, moved away boxes, metal frames with sharp edges, and broken glasses so i can get this kitten out of trouble. of course, my hands were cut bad and the flees jumped me like crazy. but it was worth it, i mean, come on, that's like the first time when you get a "yes" for a date, it's fucking awsome.

we gave her a good bath, washed away the dirt and the flees. (you couldnt believe how many were floating around when we were rinsing her) since it's a girl, we decided to call her Snowflake. fyi, it's snowflake in chinese, but im not going to tell you how to pronounce it.

summer vacation no longer becomes a boring thing, it felt like waking up has a greater purpose rather than eat, shit, watch tv, and breathe. i have a companion, she doesnt bitch at you, well, sometimes she bites you with her baby teeth, maybe a few scratches (doesnt hurt), but she hops from a chair to another, and gets on my lap, and laid down.
human's so desensitized when it comes to animals, heck, eating them everyday is broadening the gap (not that im a vegan or a vegeterian), i mean, it must feel great the first time when you see, or touch an animal. and to think that we and them both live on the same planet, together, pretty amazing isnt it? they are so similar to us, yet they are so different, and you have no idea what they are thinking about. and you tried to guess it, and one thing that exists in both human and animals, is the love of a mother.

couple days have passed since we adopted snowflake. we're happy to have her as part of the family, and snowflake and i get together especially well, i think it's because im the first human she sees, maybe i saved her, but i definitely spent alot more time with her than the rest of the house.

in the middle of the night, i heard the noise of a cat. meow, meow, over and over, i jumped up, i was afraid. now i know cats are active at night, but i never heard a cat that sounded so aggressive, so impatient and panicked.
"omfg, what's happening" i thought to myself. let's backtrack for a little bit. first of all, nobody has ever said "gee, strange isnt it? suddenly a kitten under your gramp's scraps", secondly, that noise is coming from the roof, and it's not the high pitch cute adorable noise that snowflake makes when we play together. oh shit... it's the mother.
she's back for her child
i knew the door to the roof was shut tight, and that's the only way to access the roof. so there's no way the cat can get into the house. i quickly got up, and headed for the stairs. i want to make sure that damn thing doesnt get in the house, because im not going to give away snowflake this easily.
under dim light, i saw snowflake, with its front legs on the stairs, she stares blankly into the darkness, and listened closely to her mother, i got close to her, but she paid no attention to me. everytime her mother moans, she would turn her head around, thinking that she's next to her. and everytime the voice fades away, she stares into the darkness. i didnt know what to do, and i squatted there, and waited, until her mother left, that's when we couldnt hear her anymore, and snowflake went back to her basket.

you know, what pisses me off is that, i feel uber guilty for adopting snowflake. i thought it's an abandoned kitten, probably by her mother, now that we provided her a home, a place for shelter, we fed her, even gave her a tiny blanket incase if the night gets cold, just when we thought she would go on to live a happy life and forget everything that her mother has done to her, left her in the scrapes covered in flees and dirt. her mother came back for her. she came back to the place where she left her, and she thought she would be there, waiting for her faithfully. im sorry mam, things have changed, and i wont give you back your daughter, i wont give you back your child who you once said "no" to, you are not suitable to become a mother, you dont fit this role, go home and rethink your life, assuming if cats do think. snowflake's got a new home, she's got a family that welcomes her with open arms, and she's got me, and everybody else who cares, unlike you, you dumped her in a pile of junk, and ran off on your own. go away.

for the next week or so, everynight her mother would come and find her, and every night, i would squat there, watching over snowflake, and into the darkness, i can picture the mother's face, she's probably filled with regret and horror. and if cats do cry, she'd weep a river. it's brutal, and i know snowflake still hasnt forgotten her mother, if not she wouldnt be awake, just like me, staring into the darkness, thinking about the what-ifs.

then there's no more cat moaning in the middle of the night, she finally gave up. as for snowflake and i, we never woke up during the middle of the night again.

slowly, snowflake begins to grow, in a much healthier way than she was when we picked her up. she's more agile, much quicker, and we've gotten much closer. i dont know how many of you actually kiss your animals, i do. and everyday i would give snowflake a kiss in the cheek. it's the best summer vacation ever, the best ive ever had.

when we started feeding snowflake, it wasnt easy. since she's literally a baby. we couldnt get her to drink the milk from a bowl, not even from a plate. so we had to fill a tiny baby bottle with milk. and watch as she sucks on it like crazy, and i sat there, watched.
"i was like that too when i was small"

slowly snowflake learned to lick milk from a bowl, then we no longer use the baby bottle. and until much later my aunt start feeding her with rice and fish, she enjoyed it very much. we would have lunch at the table, and she would have her little corner in the hall. life was easy and happy, after lunch i would lay down on the couch, and snowflake would jump on me, and once you close your eyes, you will fall asleep, and it's just laid back, without worries, knowing that she would always be there to play with you, make you laugh, rub around your legs, and lick you in the face, stare at you with her cute blue eyes. it's the first time, and the only time i felt so close to an animal. i dreamed about her, and i could just sit there all day looking at her, and i wont be bored. i didnt have much friends in china, i guess a cat makes up for most of it. it is as they say, friends live out the good times, and the bad times.

i dont know how it happened, nor do i remember, but one thing was certain. it wasnt good, and the whole "good time" thing, ended from that point on, and it would seem like bad news just kept rolling in. kinda like god tells me "hey buddy, you had too much fun, it's about time to get back to reality, and face it, the world's changing, you and snowflake's gotta move on."

it was an accident, like i said, i dont remember much about it. but what i can remember was the horrifying image, the look on snowflake's face, she's in pain. and somehow, i was too, except i begged so hard that i wanted to suffer for her.

aunt somehow, i dont know, for some very stupid reason, stepped on snowflake while she's sleeping. i seriously dont know why the fuck it happened, i dont know how can you not miss such a big target, and she did it. she stepped on snowflake. and after that, she walks like a cripple, leaping with a broken leg.

you know how fucking disgusted and sadden you are to the point where tears just dont come out and you just stand there, in shock, and your jaws just wont close up. that was me the moment i heard the screaming. i couldnt bring myself to give a single fucking tiny bit of a bitching damn about how my aunt felt, listen, i dont give a fuck about your guilt, i dont give a fuck about any of your shit. it's not something that's repairable. can i break your leg and be able to restore it back to its original form?
fuck no
moreover, it was like a scar in my heart, as well as snowflake's. now her life's forever burdened by a crippled leg. the once happy, chair hopping, quick sneaky playful snowflake is going to be walking with 3 and a half leg. and whenever she sees my aunt, she will always remember the haunting image of her foot stomping on her body, and the pain that electrified her nerves. picture yourself getting shot in the arm, and multiply the pain by 10. then you can ballpark it from then on.

from that point on, there's no play. and my summer vacation ended quickly after the accident.
my attitude changed. instead of looking at her big blue eyes with love and caring, i can only feel guilt and regret when i am close to her. why wasnt i there to stop my aunt? why must this happen. and just when you think things are great, things are awsome, shit strikes you and now left you all broken. for a while i couldnt bring myself to touching her. because i was afraid everytime i'd touch her, i will hurt her, just like my aunt did. i dont ever want to see that face suffering in pain. i dont want to live through that moment, when i begged, and i cried.
"oh dear god, or whoever is in charge, someone, probably with a fucking magic stick or anything, please! let me be the one who's in pain, forgive this poor thing, please, i fucking beg of you..."
i still love her, just that, when you break a piece of glass, even if you try really hard to glue all the pieces together, you will always see the scars, and it wont be the perfect piece that you used to have, that you used to adore, that you use to stare at for hours, and wonder how could there be such a beautiful thing in the world. until that day someone ruins it for you, and you squeeze your fists, squeeze it until you leave bloody nail marks on your palm that wont go away for the next 20 minutes, squeeze it until your face is hot, and your head is light because the blood that rushes to your head and refuses to go down, the world spins around you and you scream
"fuck!"

i had to leave for america. im not sad anymore. not becuase im happy, i wasnt happy at all when i thought about snowflake and what will happen to her down the road. but i couldnt be more sad because the worst has happened. what gets worst than your beloved friend is now crippled for life? dying is obviously the next step but it's inevitable.
the night before i leave, i asked my dad.
"dad, do you think, after we went to america, and if we ever come back, would snowflake remember me?"
"well, hard to say, she probably wont."

i couldnt feel a thing. what else is there left for me to feel? ever since the accident it was gone, everything's gone. i took a one last look at her face the night before. just like when i first found her, dispite the fact that she's now crippled. she still stares at me, with a tilted head, and a pair of blue eyes.

i left china. and i think at some point, when my relatives were waving me off when i got on the taxi that's heading out. snowflake was at the stairs. and she was staring, staring into the blank, as i said good bye to everybody. and everytime i said goodbye, she would turn her head around, thinking i was next to her. and when my voice fades away, she would stare into the blank again. except this time, im thousands of miles away from her, staring at the clouds from above.

about half a year after i arrived at america. once, through a phone call.
"aunt, how is snowflake?"
"she passed away recently."

we had the most fun together. we were great pals. and it was the only time i felt so close to an animal, so kind, so warm. if i know that there's something i can do to change her fate, i would do it. but, what can i do to change my fate? and to think that being a 12 years old with a kitten forever may sound tempting. and dont you wish that you can stay in that dimension forever, and everyday, you wake up, there's your friend, you give her a big hug, kiss her on her cheek, and play with her, toss a ping pong ball at her, lay down on the couch and she would jump on your belly, while watching tv she likes to hug your legs trying to get your attention. life goes on, snowflake's probably at a much better place now, a place without pain, a place without sadness, a place where you dont have to suffer. she probably has forgotten me. she moved on, it's time for me to too.

one night, i woke up in the middle of the night, half asleep, half awake. and i reached out to find my cellphone on my bed, i searched around in the darkness but found nothing, then suddenly, i was touching something soft, something furry, something warm. and it's rubbing against my palm, it's so peaceful. i gave it a gentle pat.

slowly, i closed my eyes.

"good night, snowflake."

Episode 80: the third type of bad people

2005-10-13T03:22:00.000-07:00

it's been a while, time to throw down some words, some positive words, some negative words. at least, bullshit? nah, let's not BS.
to write, it's like, to talk. except i write to you, and i get to talk all at once, and you sit tight and read it line by line, word for word. of course, after the intense reading comes the torturous line by line rebucle.
my foreign policy has always been, let's sit down and talk, talk slowly, and open up a friendly attitude. i dont know why people have to either be an asshole, or just try to overpower you and silence you.

long time ago, i developed this interpretation, that, you can reason with anyone in this world. and as long as you go to them nicely, and calmly, you can bring out their good side, at least a slightly better side. however, i was wrong. at this point, i think it's safe to conclude that, some people in this world are just not capable of reasoning with. it's just how it is. we cannot see reasoning as a universal 'thing' for everyone. knowing that, you cannot reason with some of them, and of course, very little of us are like that. else the world is going to come to a quick end.

also a long time ago, i always tell myself, you work so hard on something, you gonna get something back. now this is true, if you look at it philosophically. like, an experience can be a thing that you get in return, or a lesson can be a thing you get in return. bascially, as long as it's a knowledge, it does not need to be physical in order to be treated as a 'thing'. again, i was wrong. such interpretation is unrealistic, and self-denying, that, it is almost as if you have just found a perfect excuse to support your denial of failure. as much as we all can instantly slap philosophical things on the table. sometimes we just cant be philosophical. we want a reward, we want a return, and sometimes we demand it to be physically accessible rather than a satisfying answer to my knowledge. i can know something, but i think being able to sense it with my 5 senses would be better. and then, that's when i realize, "shit, i screwed up".

a good friend of mine reminded me of this. he said. "bad things happen to good people, but the so called 'bad things' are only bad because we, the 'good people' interpreted it as bad. seeing it from our side of the table, it can be a bad thing. however, what if the 'bad thing' is the way how nature is, then going against nature surely makes all the 'good people' bad. in another word, all the 'good people', are actually 'bad people'. and the 'bad things' that happened to them, is just nature.."

similar to my interpretation of "a good guy is a bad guy in the eyes of a bad guy."

long time ago, dad told me.
"there are two types of bad people in this world. the first type, are the bad people who realize that they've done wrong, however, they cannot turn back because it's too severe. i pity those people. the second type, are the bad people who are bad to the bones. they have no remorse for their doings. and those people are hopeless, they need to die."

then i add the last type of bad people to myself.

"the third type of bad people, are only bad because we are good. they are innocent."

Episode 79: season finale

2005-09-21T03:22:00.000-07:00

im done with the summer term, and summer itself. so is everybody.
the days are pretty quiet now.
pat's moved to another room.
nick left for home
matt left for home
mel left for her vacation
liz wont be back until Jan.

the house is all quiet, no casual gamers, no tv watching, no laughing over funny things on the internet, no going out for movies.

and im still waiting for my confirmation on the rent, hopefully i can get things done and start moving.

everything's breaking apart, for now. dont know when we will sit back together, and piece them back.
but we still have to move on, i guess, for the good. and next term, there will be new classes, new faces, being in the same history class with janda, he's cool.
and there will be programing class for me, quick sketch to level up my drawing skills, math...

and when will i be able to see her again?

Episode 78: finals.

2005-09-14T03:21:00.000-07:00

so busy with finals! almost done, but then again, it's not something happy :(

she leaves on 19th, next week monday, and then god knows when i will see her again. i hope we will still keep in touch, or something, i mean, that's like 3 monthes that she will be gone, just dont know how things will go on.

having a lot of hard time trying to find a place to live outside of the student housing, im getting really tired of the housing people, i love my roomates, but people who run the housing have poor planning skills for events, moreover, i think one of them really hates me because i spot her smoking weed. (now i know this is totally, just really not my choice, but i just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, that cant be helped)

then again, all thoughts on final, must concentrate. so far i have finished my poetry class final (god that sounds so lame, i didnt write a poem, fyi, i painted), i finished my sculpture final, and i finished my animation final, now all that is left is texturing class final and storyboarding final. i have worked on my storyboard for a lot, and i think all i need is a little touch, perhaps i should give some color to kick it up a notch, then texturing class final will consume about one and a half day, but i enjoy that class a lot so it would be awsome to have it done on time.

looking forward to next term? not really, although i am taking four classes next term, but i guess it's still going to suck because she's not going to be around. :(

one time she told me im paranoid and insecure, that saddens me.

Episode 77: slow rhythm

2005-09-05T03:21:00.000-07:00

it's an old chinese song that i really really like, i felt like translating it.

can i accompany you to leave
because you say i cant keep you
the road back home is a bit grim
you walking alone worries me

i think it's because, im not too understanding
i couldnt share your worries
if i couldnt tell you so
then let the regret stays within my heart

let me save all the sadness to myself
your beauty, you can take with you
from now, i'm not going to have
a reason to be happy

let me save all the sadness to myself
your beauty, you can take with you
i think i will, endure the sadness
but could you, think about me too?

is it okay, to hold your hand?
never had this request before
afraid you will be mad, turn away and leave
let it be, i understand

let me save all the sadness to myself
your beauty, you can take with you
from now, i'm not going to have
a reason to be happy

i think i will, endure the sadness
pretend that you dont exist in my life
from now on, i will stay here
waiting days and nights, for your news

can i accompany you to leave
because you say i cant keep you
doesnt matter where you go
will you, sometimes, think about me?
can you, sometimes think about me too?
can you... can you...
can you...

a really really slow rhythm, and the song fades away.

Episode 76: im geting owned

2005-09-04T03:20:00.000-07:00

im getting owned, but then again, i guess josh in my picture is still as badass as usual.

let the days go by.

Episode 75: 1, 2, jump.

2005-08-29T03:18:00.000-07:00

and then i think to myself. nah, let's not start the blog with this sentence. i am just looking for things to type. and then, i thought about her.
it's 6 oclock in the morning.

and then she leaves soon. what will happen until then? what will i do, what can i do, what do i want to do? then then she leaves, soon. and then, i think i will be, unhappy.
im not going to see her. for a while, it will happen soon. and i kept thinking it's going to suck. in fact, i dont know if it's a good thing or not, but definitely a good thing to her. and then, she is going to leave for a while.
i dont know. when she comes back
maybe she will not be able to recall my name, sometimes people are forgetful.
maybe she wont see me, anymore. then again, people can be assholes sometimes. not that if she doesnt want to see me then she's an ass, and id never compare her to an ass, that's not what it should be. and if she doesnt, i guess she has her reason, but when she comes back, i dont know if she will know me anymore, or will she even think about..
to reestablish the connection maybe?

then she leaves for a while, she may be back, sometimes fast, sometimes slow.

i dont know, but if things, dont, and wont, be the same again. i wish i am dreaming. and until then, poof, i can wake up, then maybe there will be another reality.
so far things are pretty real to me, i have funny dreams sometimes, i dont think im dreaming right now,

then again, when she comes back, she can choose not to know me. it's easy to forget a person, especially a person...

then i dont know what i can do, until then, if she did, forget, about me.
-i think she will remember me, i hope

but on the other hand
there's a big chance that, things will be over
so i think, i more or less, want this to be a dream which i can wake up from.

then again, i dont want that too.
she leaves for a while. a while, is a while. but how long is a while, different people, sees it differently.
differently.

she leaves
while
differently
too
and then maybe

i guess.

Episode 74: hold it, that's the wrong lane!

2005-08-26T03:18:00.000-07:00

if doing too much is bad
and doing too little is bad
well fuck how am i suppose to find the sanctuary? you tell me. i cant help it but to think that, wow, people sure think differently than what they tell you up front.
it's a hassle.

Episode 73: riding on the bus!

2005-08-20T03:18:00.000-07:00

if you ask me, that would i change myself for someone who i love, and someone who also loves me when developing a relationship.
i would.
if it's not too extreme, i would change it. because she likes it, and im fine with it, then that is settled. it's all about problem solving, and coping. sooner or later we are still going to face those problems, better get them out of the way now than later. and i know that i have plenty of bad habits, so why dont we bug-fix a little?
it makes me feel good that she is concerned about me. but then again, father was a hardcore macho man, and although i really like him, but i dont want to grow up being like him. i know he really loves my stepmom, but sometimes a man's pride, especially old school hardcore macho man's pride cannot allow him to even appologize.
and i want to change that, i told myself.
i want to be able to stretch and contract, and i try not to ask for too much.
then again, father's machoness made him very self-centered. in a way, he's not really good in relationships. and for the whole time, mom's adjusting to him, so it takes a lot of guts for mom to be able to do that. and i think girls nowdays dont have the patience of my mother.

i want to change that.

sometimes i do think for myself. but, sometimes what i want isnt what exactly everyone wants. and, at times, maybe i can let them have what they want, and perhaps put aside what i want.

i think that works.

but im still pretty happy, that she likes to talk about it, at least the topic's on the table, and i think we both have something to agree upon. and i will listen.

i cant do unrealistic stuffs like, give her the moon as a present, or buy her 9999 roses. but i think i will try to do something that's within my limitation. and i think, she will be very happy. and then i will be happy too, because i have changed, i have done something for her, not that i ask for something in return, but i did something for her, and that made her happy, it's an unexplainable feeling, a complex, kinda like the feeling of giving, but except you know that, you gave a very valuable thing, and that it's a good way of expressing yourself.

i'll stick to it.

Episode 72: upward, to move, and sometimes, stopping

2005-08-16T03:17:00.000-07:00

a year comes in full circle.
i dont wanna use stairway as a metaphor for the journey of life, because that's overused and old. but then, if i had to, i guess i just took a step up the stairs.
it's been a year already. a changing year, a turbulant year, a year full of suprises, laughter, fury, tears, both good or bad, disappointments, discovery, shocks, temptations, a lot a lot.
but i have already forgotten what i did last year, and was there anything that's significant? i dont know. and to be honest, that is the sad part, it is when you dont remember what you did, just a year ago. it shows how much of a void your life is, or was.
and i have decided that, im going to do something great, something unforgettable this year, today, today of this year, and so that next year, when i ask myself again, i will still be able to remember what i did today.
i dont know what i should do.
a lot of stuffs, have gone through my mind. until recently, things have changed a lot, changed so fast, it was a bit hard to keep up with the pace, but i think i managed to make it, just barely.
and i walk down the path again, well, the path is, still heading to that general direction, but depence on how fast i walk, how much turn must i take, i think, at the end of the path, things will be much different from what i expected at first.
some people, feel good, they feel secure, and feel better about themselves when there's greater responsibilty that hangs on their shoulder. but im scared, i dont know if im capable of those responsibilities. i will try, i will think of ways to get by, but, i cannot guarantee you that it will work out nicely, i cannot look at you, and tell you that, everything will be fine. because for one thing i know, im not the ideal candidate, i never was, and it takes a lot, for me to be one.

but damn i want to be the ideal candidate, so greedy of me, so selfish of me.

im trying real hard. and i dont even know, if it will get paid off.
maybe it will, maybe it wont.

but i tried, i say to myself.
and even, if, later down the road, and that you come back, and nothing, is the same again, and that the faces that you have seen, are no longer sharp, and that they appear as a blur, and the things that we did, no longer resonate, and that, our pathes dont cross.
i can only tell myself, i tried.
i tried hard, or hardly trying, i dont know.

and later down the road, i look forward, to the next 365 days, and until then, i step up another stair.
i probably will look back, and ask, what did i do a year before?
the answer, is probably "dont know"

i want to change that.

Episode 71: i am in love, yes, i am worried, seems like the storm is coming

2005-08-14T03:17:00.000-07:00

and the sun is about to raise.
i dont know what time im going to wake up tomorrow, but i think, better wake up early than late. still, tomorrow is so... boring, and inactive.
if you ask me, it's pathetic? i dont kow. just a sudden thought that came to my mind when i browse through my folders and saw my friends' prom picture.
me and james didnt go to prom, we got smashed up pretty bad, and well, it's hard to explain. but, now that to think about it, was it a stupid choice?
nah, i guess it wasnt.
to many people, i guess going to prom is like, maturity, or something like that, and people would tell me that they are suprised to hear that i didnt go to my own prom.
i tell them, so what, what am i going to do about it, and even if i can go back in time, to make that choice again, i dont think i will ever go to prom. it's just not my thing, i just dont feel good going there.
moreover, the person who i love, wasnt there at that time, so i guess it's meaningless for me to go by myself.
so funny, things have changed so much since i graduate.
i really miss her, and i want to do more things with her, talk to her more, just, more communication. and on the other hand, im worried, and saddened. we arent going to see each other in the near future, for a long long time. and she goes home, she sees her friend, maybe she will forget about me, maybe she will find someone better than me, i dont know. all that i can do, i think, right now, is to wait, and wait, and wait. i guess, it's just about waiting for her to come back. and, i kept telling myself, if she couldnt remember me, then i guess it's time to give up.

but i really dont want to.
i guess i shouldnt hold so tight, i should let it go a bit. it's hard, but i really do like her.

and then, i dont know how i can move on.
i really dont.

Episode 70: 1.2.3.4.5.6.7.8.9.0.1.2.3.4.5.6.7.8.9.0.1.2.3.4.5.6.7.8.9.0.1.2.3.4.5.6.7.8.9.0.1

2005-08-08T03:16:00.001-07:00

when you are happy. and you walk down that street.
the people are a big bllur. so as trees, flowers, grass, and even things that disgusts you. you no longer care for them. at least, you are self-centered enough to not care. because you are happy. the people around you, only have two values. make you happier, or make you less happy. and as you live everyday, being happy, you would love to meet more people that makes you happier, and you will learn to hate, learn to avoid, learn to discriminate people who make you less happy. that is the sign when you are addicted to happiness. you want more, the more the better. you want to feel that chemical inside your head, the kind that, can let you banish despair, the kind of chemical that sends you straight up, gives you self-esteem, makes you think that you can do anything, be whoever.
then suddenly, you are not happy anymore. you begin to doubt about what just happened to you. you think, wait, i was happy for a while, and why must it stop?
was it your fault? or was it someone elses. if it's your own fault that you are not happy now, then you grow more unhappy. because you dont have anyone to blame on except you, moreover, you scold yourself for being so stupid, that why did you get involve in such a mess. then, you begin to think. wait, no, it's not completely my fault, someone else is also responsible for it. then you are left two choices. one, learn to hate that person who makes you unhappy, or you walk away, dont want anymore from that person. then for a while, you pretend to not care, you tell people you dont care, you tell people that you are out of it, instead, you are bleeding a big pool of frowny-face. then come the times, when you sit alone, and you think to yourself, there are better things in life, you dont need to dwelve in this. and this is the time, when you, even yourself dont realize that you are at the rock bottom.
so then, you go around, you want to do something, anything, so that people will pay attention to you, you die trying to get people to say "aw, what a poor guy". because, at least, you make people think it's not your fault. of course, you are not wrong all the time, but sometimes, when you brought shit upon yourself, it would certainly feel good when, people thinks you are the innocent one.
then you walk down that street again. people look mean. the flowers are not beautiful anymore, the trees are deforming, the things that disgust you before, disgust you even more. you got angry, you are mad. you refer to religious leader, and you ask them, why arent they watching over you, protecting you, loving you like they promised.
then you get supersticious, you think, if i do certain thing, good luck, good happiness will come to you. then you begin to turn into a deviant. and then, at some point, when things dont work out, you realize you were jsust being plain stupid.
and then suddenly there is happiness, it hits you again like an old friend who you have missed for a long time. then you are super happy, so happy, that you forgot how unhappy you were a moment ago. you forget everything that you said, every pessimistic things that you said when you were happy. you forget the lesson, you forget everything, you just forget, and the only thing you now know, is that you are happy, you are as high as you could go, you can do anything, you can be anyone, you are the best.
then you turn unhappy.
then you become happy.
it goes up, and down, up, and down, and there is nothing you can do, nothing you can change to make things better.
if only, the happy can stay happy, and the unhappy can be happy.
why is there a word 'happy', we only know that we are unhappy, when we were happy before. but why, why must life be like this.
things dont work out the way they should, at least to me they should work out the way how i think they should, and it didnt. it turns out people lie, people tell lies, to either hurt you, or to be the master escape artist.
if you would tell me the truth, and not lie, maybe i will feel better, when everything's over. but now, things got worst, because i am unhappy, because you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.
you lied.

Episode 69: the season is almost over, it's hard to breakeven

2005-08-08T03:16:00.000-07:00

i lost in the waiting game, again. oh well.
the season looks very dim, i lost couple important rounds, i dont think the slight victory in the beginning of the season can manage to break even with the consecutive loss that i have received. well, this season is not so good, let's hope i dont lose the rest of the games.

i dont want to think about anything right now, but ironically, i started playing chess again. and ive gotten better, i think. at least i can beat a computer at normal level, that's suprising.

if you look at it. losing in the waiting game is quite hard to get over with. the thing is. waiting game is hard to play, and it's very psychological.sometimes it's reverse psychology, sometimes it's reverse reverse psychology, so things get pretty random when the game starts, and it's hard ot decided which step to take because you dont wanna get knocked out in the game early on.

i dont know, when the season is over, i dont want to sit down and go over what i did wrong and why i lose in the waiting game. i dont think that i have done anything wrong, nor that i screwed myself up, just that god's a heck of a good player, it takes great luck to beat him.
it's like rolling dices, i dont think i have much luck with it this season, at least im not lucky enough to beat god in the waiting games.

anyways, i think i am going to sleep now. there are couple games left in this season, i hope i can finish them with a good touch.

Episode 68: this time, i set up the waiting game

2005-08-07T03:15:00.000-07:00

yet again god sets up another round of waiting game. but, i dont think i am much into it already. i dont care if i lose this waiting game, it would be good if i win, but i dont think the loss will affect me much more. so what if i lose to god again this round? i mean, it's not that i really believe all teh goodness were his doing.
now did i finally let it go?

i miss the wilderness, i dont know, just have a sudden urge to go to the wilderness, like a lake or something. i guess when you live in the city for so long, you wanna go back to the nature just for fun.

i have told the truth, now i wait, for the ripple effect.

Episode 67: a better direction, a faster rollercoaster

2005-08-01T03:15:00.000-07:00

ive said the wrong thing

now she dislikes me. i want to slap myself so hard, that i can never speak again.
as a punishment.
these past few weeks have been a heck of a rollercoaster ride in my life. im bombarded with both joy and sadness. at a point i feel so very happy, but then suddenly i felt that im lower than dirt. i thought life's heading to a better direction, but then it just ends up turning back the opposite, sometimes, even worst.
but who am i to say which direction is the best? i dont know, the direction that i wanted to go, the realm that i have never been to before, the kind of feelings, that i couldnt grasp because i wasnt trying hard enough before.
it's like climbing a big mountain, at a point you thought you can move on, and so you did, and you are happy, but when the blizzard hits you, you are force to stay, sometimes even back down, you are disencouraged.
all those mix emotions, all the little things that we did, i dont know if they are lies or truth. and im too scared to want to find out. in thise case, im scared because it could be all lies. on the other hand, the desperate side of me craves for truth.
when i see her, and just being around her. i feel happy, and im powered, rejuvinated. just felt that life's great, it's like something ive never felt so strong before. it's crazy, the sudden change.
but when i dont see her, the happy days are over, it's like you are falling from a place real high, and you know when you land, it's going to hurt like hell.
i thought about it. i reall like this person, therefore i really want to spend more time with her. problem is, this is so one sided, im asking for something more than friendship, im stepping over the line.
and so, every week, there are days that i feel super happy, so so happy. and then it will be followed by days that feel like crap.
then, i guess, i screwed it up so bad this time, she dislikes me. the toss gets greater every turn, and bam, i can see myself slamming to the wall once again.

but, out of all those bitch and moan.
i thought things are still heading to a better direction, of course the degree of betterment may vary. at least, i saw the slightest bits of good change in my life. and i thought, wow, finally?
maybe tomorrow, it will change 360 degree, maybe life's going back to the same old rut. im used to it. maybe that makes me fall asleep faster at night, makes all the food mroe delicious than what i can taste now.

i am walking down this path, i want to keep walking, until i can walk no more, then i put a period at the end of the sentence.

Episode 66: knife that connection!

2005-07-31T03:14:00.000-07:00

i tried to beat god, but then, i think i lost.
it's like mind gamble, you want it to happen, but it wont happen, you dont want it to happen, it happens, and if you even try to predict it, god plays tricks and make it seem like it's about to happen but never quite there.
it tricks you to think that you are very happy, but it suddenly slams down on you, and make you feel like dirt. then makes you think about the true existance of god.
when people are happy, they believe there is a god, when people are sad, their god disappears.
god's only for happy people, because they were watched by him, just as simple as that. so dont give me the bullshit about trusting in god and all. those religious zealots only believe in god because they are in a happy state. there are no sad prayers in this world.
maybe my days will spiral into the abyss, maybe the worst wave is coming to get me. but, i dont think i will ever, believe in god again.
it's an on and off thing, i did before, and for a while it was good, then i stopped, then i went back to it, then here i am again, out of it.
the thing about god is that it's very tricky. for a moment you will be saying you no longer have faith in him, but the thought of "someone might be watching you" still lingers in your mind, and whenever goodness happen to you, you will eventually connect it with god, and think that it's god's doing and that you have received his blessing, and then you willl shift yourself to god. but when misfortune happens, we blame it on god for not watching over us, and we drift furthur away, but still, the connection between us and god wasnt extinguished, and then, it goes on in an endless cycle of back and forth, and back and forth, sad prayers, happy worshippers, in both ways.

the only way you can really escape this nightmare, is probably if you severe the connection of god to goodness, meaning that, when good things happen to you, try not to believe it's god's doing. it could be the result of probability, or coincidence, but, hardly god's doing.

sad prayers are the ones who cannot severe that connection.

Episode 65: watching

2005-07-27T03:14:00.000-07:00

it's 5:30, and cant close my eyes. i worked kinda late at night, and so ended up staying up all night long.

for the first time, in a long long time, (it doesnt make sense but you get what i mean), i am tired. so many happened, so many things went through my mind, and im really tired. and the feelings of wanting to go to sleep is back, i want to sleep again, and sleep away, wake up, probably things will get better, maybe worst, but that fraction of a second of sleep is just what i need.

people used to tell me, dont try to push away your problems, you are going to have to face it, facing it sooner is better than later.
yea thanks captain obvious, it's real easy for you to say something like that, why dont you think about me?
then i realize, i was such a hypocrite. when people are upset, and down, all i know is to tell them to get better, cuz things will get better, soon, very soon.
but no, i dont even understand how much pain they were receiving, and here i am, telling them that things will get better, im so thankful that they didnt slap me just because of that.

everybody looks at things differently, some of us take things seriously, some of us get off easy, and they move on.
but it doesnt matter who they are, we cannot walk up to them, at their darkest hour, and tell them that things will get better.
as much as i too appriciate the ideal behind your action, but it's not practical. do you really think that person will listen to you, and suddenly, within a blink of an eye that person's feeling much better?

when someone's sad, someone's down, someone's depressed, you let them cry, and you watch, you be there to watch them cry. because that's the best thing you can do at the moment. dont say a word, just watch them.

and when they need you, they will come find you.
and from now on, i guess, i will learn to watch someone cry.

then i look deeply into the mirror.

Episode 64: fair and square, hope you are lucky

2005-07-26T03:14:00.000-07:00

monday is nasty, i mean, the rest of the mondays are cool, but this one in particular isnt as good as the previous.

im having a bad feeling. which reminds me of the song Eli's coming.
now supposedly, eli in the song means a handsome playboy coming to town to take away all young girls' hearts. but in this case, i think eli means something worst.

so i think to myself, there's gotta be, some way that we can communicate, i mean, i want to talk to her, but all we can do, is send notes to each other on the internet, bit by bit, and sometimes we only send 2 - 3 messages in a day. if you tell me, being in a relationship is about communication, then clearly, i lak communication, and i dont think im in a relationship, right now
she has no phone, and HARDLY ever come to messenger, there's hardly anyway to get to her, makes me feel like it's even worst than writing regular mails.

maybe she doesnt like messenger, maybe she doesnt like people calling her, or im just impatient and desperate as hell, but i dont know how to bring us closer.
everytime i got her note, i felt like i am closer to her, but several hours later, or until i get a note from her again, i felt like im slowly drifting apart.
am i too controlling? i think dr. phil will mostly agree.

but i guess, if she doesnt like to be bothered, there's nothing i can do, and god plays 'the waiting game' with me once more. over the years, i played a lot with him, and eventually, i think i got better at it, of course, nobody beats god in the waiting game, but at least, im doing much better than before.

i completely forgot to say how bad was monday, i mean, this monday.
actually, nothing is bad about this monday. im just, not happy, whenever i think that posting note to her on the internet is the only way that we can communicate, it makes me feel insignificant.

but when i sat down, and think about it. all i have to do, is work, and forget about this for now, and by the time i close my eyes at night, i will fall asleep, and we all know how easy it is, to close your eyes, and open it again, sunrise, a brand new day, another day will go by, and until it's wednesday i will see her again, talk to her again, and so on.
then there will be another monday, another tuesday, where i have to work hard to forget about how much i miss her, then i will close my eyes again at night, and think that i will see her again when the time is right.

that's how the waiting game is carried out. god's the dealer, you can only get 1 card at the time, and the cards are given out randomly, so you may never know which card will you get next. sometimes, god gives you a King of spades, sometimes, you get a five of diamond, other players may beat you in one round, but next round, you may get a better card, and you may be the winner, but you must wait, wait for a good card delt by god.

it's not good when you get a joker card, cuz those cards always make you question about your own life.

but god continues to deal his cards, until you quit the game, that's when you leave, and then, another player will take your seat.
the player's policy encourage all players to play until the very last minute, it's not good to quit because you lost couple rounds in a roll.

i wonder what the next card would be?

Episode 63: the best bedtime pick

2005-07-25T03:10:00.000-07:00

just one day ago i woke up, face down, and the edge of the pillow is poking my left eye, then i realize, i was in that position for quite a while. oh shit, bad sleeping posture injured the corner of my eye, now wheneever i blink, it hurts, it hurts really bad.
i dont think im going blind or anything, but it takes a long time to heal, it's like getting punch in the eye, except the pillow is real soft, so that fraction of a second insane impact was transformed into couple hours of pressure, either way it feels just as if i was punched in the eye.

when things head for a good turn, you regain faith to god, but when the shit hits the fan, you suddenly blame god for not caring you, especially when you say that "god doesnt exist else he would be helping me"
there are several times that i prayed to god, really hard, and i got what i wished for, but does that make me believe in god? nah, probably not.
to a sinner like me, sinner in the eyes of a good christian, my prayers are fake. i dont think god heard me, but i was damn lucky that i somehow flipped a head instead of a tail. the worksmanship of probability is so seamless.

so why pray when it doesnt work? i dont know, maybe it's like a reflex that, when shit hits the fan or stuff goes out of control and you want it your way, you pray. but we all know in reality, it has nothing to do with praying.

now im thinking, shit, god might have heard that, and he's going to not watch over me anymore. but if you think about it, if he did, was all the pain just a test? now this may have come from a good christian who has faith in god.

i dont know, i just think, right now, things are working out, im, not sad, not very happy, but at least im holding. one day, it may crash, it may be the best thing that would happen to me, who knows.

i have to admit that, saying stuff like that, being nonchalant is not what i have in mind. im actually scared.
but for now i think im sticking to it, there is nothing that i can do.
my eye hurts, and all that i can do is to wait it out. i wonder if there are some ice in the house so i can rub it on to relief the pain or something.

last, but not least.
i dont think im afraid of going to bed just because i had a little accident caused by my bad sleeping posture, im still going to sleep today, tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow.

im going to bed, right now.

Episode 62: boom.

2005-07-22T03:10:00.000-07:00

when you are nervous, you make mistakes.

but i wouldnt mind, it's acceptable i think.
at night, there was a thunderstorm, and the sky was flashing. i walked out, and thought i should see this. i was raining, actually, no, not really raining, because it was only couple droplet of water, not even strong enough to be called a sprinkle..
the sky is crying, but it just couldnt pick up the strength to unleash it all. is it because it's nervous?
i stood there, then got scared.
"what if i get struck by lightning"
although ive heard that people who survived gaining inhuman power, it's more like a science fiction i think. god knows what happen when you get struck by lightning. im will to put all the bet on death.

if there is this one super power that i wanna get right now, i want to be able to hear the voice that's inside other's, i want to know how they feel, maybe i can do something about it?

i dont know, that moment, the world freezes when she wraps her arm around me.

Episode 61: even for a day

2005-07-20T03:09:00.000-07:00

so i grabbed a can of pepsi, and i want to go for a walk. so uneasy, just, so not comfortable. not seeing her for a day is so long. and i am just so curious what she might be doing right now. it makes me feel like a peeping tom, and i dont like peeping toms.
though here's the irony, i walked out the door. and i have decided to take a good look at her place. my mind is relieved when i see the room well lit by a lamp. then the criminal instinct cautioned me to not to be seen, afterall, this late at night, someone looking at your room, sure makes you feel creepy. then i decided to go for a walk to distance myself.
why am i doing this? i ask myself. i never intended to answer, because whatever i tell myself, is probably an excuse, or just the effect of chemical imbalance. i like to think of it as a good way, a good imbalance.
standing over the bridge, i saw her room. then i corrected myself, it's not that her room is lit, but the living room is. though im still happy, as if that lamp signals her existance in this world. then i stood still, and i watch.
breeze cuts my face. god doesnt want me to do this. a good christian will tell me im sinning. but i saw nothing, there were no activities, does that let me off the hook?
"you know, i think it would be nice if she look outside the window, and wave at me"
"nah, it's late, she's probably sleeping"
"well, sweet dream."
i've decided to go back.
what if she knows, what if tomorrow, or NOW, she comes to my door, and knock on it hard, and as i greet her at my door, she slaps me in the face, calls me whatever that deems as bad, and walk away, never wanting to see me again.
No! please dont be mistaken, it's not in a perverted way, i do so because i am in love, i am in love so much that i am uneasy, i cannot sit still, i must, i must know that you are here with me. in a very selfish way i want to make sure that someone that i love is here.

so the next day, she would come. and she would tell me straight to the face, that i am a loser, i am a pervert, im illed, i am crazy, im a pig, i stink, and i must be killed, hanged at the center of the city, be spit on, be whipped, and cut in pieces, tossed in the wilderness, and the ravens will not feast on my disgusted corpse.
i think.

oh god, by the time i stop painting those horrifying images, i realize ive made a mistake. i shouldnt have gone out, i shouldnt have looked. too late!
sinners beg for forgiveness when death reveals their sins before they were thrown to the firery pit. now im on my knees, slapping myself, begging to be forgiven.
im going to hell. i can already think of how they will treat me in hell.

they will treat me
with pain
the kind of pain that i felt
when i miss her

even for a day.

Episode 60: story time!

2005-07-18T03:09:00.000-07:00

a desperate man clings onto this one sweet dream that he once had, so vivid, so detailed, and he perceived it as a prophacy, a vision of the future, a story waiting to be told. in a hot summer night, he thinks to himself. dreams are dreams, dreams are meaningless, and so therefore it's not worthy. he said. but he would be on his knees, praying to god to grant him the powers to believe in the dream that he once had. how can someone, who believes, and yet imprisons himself in disbelief? how could this be? the man thinks, and thinks, and thinks. to believe, he said. brings a moment of joy, but the harsh reality would melt his wings, and he falls. not to believe, he thinks, is brutal. the man cannot eat, cannot sleep, cannot feel. so he is set on a journey, to dream the same dream again, and this time, he will not wake up, he stays.

slipping away.
good tuesday.

Episode 59: boss, stabby, and muscle

2005-07-17T03:09:00.000-07:00

boss, stabby, and muscle.
i think im in love.

Episode 58: back to where the sky is blue, and sometimes gray

2005-07-16T03:08:00.000-07:00

im back from vacation, school began a week ago, the wheel is moving, once again.
school's been exciting, always, i think. had introduction to all my classes, and the instructors seem very friendly.
i think about home all the time, but thinking about it doesnt make me weak, i want to do good, and bring home the gold. trying not to disappoint mom, dad, and everyone else.
the hair is going back to black, i thought, i should have it natural, you cannot alter something that's natural, as much as i like my hair to be blond, the black will always grow out, and it's too time consuming to take care of it when they grow out, no more poney tail too, i decide to let it go.

feelings build up, and i hope, and i pray at night that i can pull the distance closer, and i continue to pray.
i want to be closer.

Episode 57: happy birthday to my best friend

2005-07-01T03:08:00.000-07:00

to my best friend jing:
happy birthday. 6 years of pain and joy, 6 years of hardwork, 6 years worth of efforts. and today, you are 19.

Episode 56: daily doze!

2005-07-01T03:07:00.000-07:00

everyone has to fall down. depends on who we are, sometimes we stand up right away, we roll on the ground, cry and moan, we swear. the fall may or may not change our lives. if it doesnt, we walk on, if it did, we become more cautious, trying to not fall down again. least not to fall like last time.
and so i was thinking about pets and their relationship with owners.
if you want to own a pet, you should be stronger than your own pet. if not, then you are left with two choices:
1. the pet bosses you around, your life is miserable
2. you pray and pray that the pet is sympathetic to your weakness, and therefore it's nice to you
there cannot be mutual respect, not that you love your pet and your pet will love you unconditionally. think about it, you love your pet very much but you are too weak to do anything decent for your pet. as much as we human appriciate the spirit, animals dont go that far. and even we human appriciate the spirit, but that appriciation is empathy.
i wonder :

Episode 55: chugy chugy with my guys

2005-06-21T03:07:00.000-07:00

chugy chugy baby.
i need some sugar!

Episode 54: i can hear the sound of ocean again

2005-06-15T03:07:00.000-07:00

i can hear it again. and i thought, it's getting closer and closer.
the finals are almost over, and most of the hardcore classes are done too. and the baggages are finally off of my shoulder.
i want to run away, at least for 3 weeks, run to a place where people knows you. not that i dont like portland, but it's been a long time since ive return home. i like portland very much, it's a beautiful city. a lot of interesting people. but no matter how beautiful the outside world is, it cannot compete against home. there's just something, something that you dont get outside of home.
and something, has been missing for a long long time.

Episode 53: and to think about it

2005-06-12T03:06:00.000-07:00

in a week, i will be home. it's been half a year. a lot has happened, although this isnt the end yet, no. not yet, and i continue to walk on, sometimes, looking back. sometimes, try to stand on my toes to look furthur. sometimes, stop momentarily to embrance the present.
going home originally was an escape for me, a rebellious me trying to escape from my father. i think that makes my returning more meaningful. i want to accept my father. on the other hand, i want him to accept me. i wish he'd still accept me.
people told me, that rebelious kids, always turn out like their parents. in this case, am i like my father? i dont think i have done enough yet to be as good as my father. although i too hope that one day i would be able to stand next to him, shoulder to shoulder.
father's not playful, when i spend time with him it's formal. to many people, this is boring. but i dont think i will be annoyed with it anymore. there are fathers who take things lightly, there are fathers who are serious. my father is a tough one.
there are friends who i want to see. it's been half a year. i have only talked to them on the internet, but i still want to see them in person. not that my bond with them are strong. but there are particularly some that's greater. to a degree which i couldnt let go in the beginning. i cried when they left for school. but it's been a year, and people learn to let go. so did i.
frustrations and anxiety. im not good with girls. but they are my friends now. someday they will need my help. someday i will need their help. i think, being able to help someone is the first step to reach them. you dont need fancy jewery, a bouquet, a cool car to impress someone. i think, an easy going personality, and resourcefulness will do the job.
im going to try to make this summer a blast for everyone, and for myself. a summer to remember.
let's do this.
LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOYYYYYYY, JEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNKKKKKKKIIIIIIINNNNNNNSSSSSSSSSS!

Episode 52: and mom ran with that man

2005-06-08T03:05:00.000-07:00

when i was 9, i guess, shit happened, it was the most unlikely thing to happen to me, at least i thought it was. the world was 2 dimensional before, everyday, wake up, there is laughter, there is someone who care about you, but then, for the following 9 years, i guess i wake up with a smack upside my head, for the rest of my life it will be.
that night, i dont remember what i was doing, i wasnt doing any homework, probably was playing. dad didnt say much, he's been pretty quiet for a while. i dont know, i am trying to remember things as hard as i could, the clothe i was wearing, the shoes, the cloth dad was wearing.
dad sat with me on the couch, it's not a couch that you have in america, soft, comfortable, warm. it's a wooden bench-like couch, no paddings, just a piece of flat wood. back in china, everyone's poor, we cant really afford a couch, at least that's a bit too luxurious. to think about it, dad really did a lot for the family, worked overtime to earn extra money so we can eat, and have clothes to wear, i can go to school, he buys me toys, all sort of things that should happen to a kid. at least, very basic things. i didnt wanted any fancy stuff, nor i think dad will want to spend money on them, we were poor.
dad wrapped his arm around me, i dont know, besides piggy back ride, that was like, when i was 4 or 5. when it's chinese new year, dad will take me and mom to the marketplace, the neighbors will bring plants, they will decorate the market place, and there will be flowers put out for viewing, and dad would give me a piggy back ride, i liked it so much, i like when i can see furthur than i usually do. i was a real shorty, yet i still am. i guess im shorter than average expected height.
then i grew up, i dont remember having close contact with dad like this. it's a macho man thing i think. you know, guys just kinda get rid of it when they grow up. but dad wrapped his arm around me, like how people wrap their arm around each other when watching tv, but dad grips hard, i felt a lot of weight on my shoulder.
i dont know when, i forgot. but dad told me that, mom's leaving this home. i dont even know if that's what he said. but that's vaguely the meaning of it. i was really young, i dont remember much, all that i can do is assume what he told me, what happened. and i guess a bit of memory that i cling onto everyday, every moment.
i guess sometime, when i was young, there's a thought in my head that, mom and dad love each other. i was a kiddo, dont even know what love is. at night i saw mom and dad cuddle together, the bed was shaking, i didnt know what happened. but i was quite nervous. i dont know, maybe i hardly see them do that together, it must be secret or something. but still, i thought mom loves dad and dad loves mom, and my family is never going to break.
dad told me that mom's leaving home. she's not coming back. he said it in a tone of voice, so kind. a tone of voice that you use to play with kids. more like. hey hey andy, did you finish your homework? have you make new friends? thinking about it now, i guess he made a mistake on that one. it's the least likely tone of voice to be used to deliver such a message to a 9 years old. but i guess dad had his reason. i think he didnt wanted to scare me. deep down he's sad, depressed, enraged. a half dead tone would scare me even more. but i guess the message alone almost made me shit my pants.
i forgot what happened after he told me that mom is leaving for another man. but i remember that. that night, i slept in his arms. i was grabbing his shirt really tight. i cried a lot before i got tired. and i remember, several time. when i wake up momentarily, i would think that mom is not with me anymore, mom is not with dad anymore, mom is not going to take care of us anymore. then i would cry again, then i will fall back into sleep, then wake up, cry, sleep, wake, cry, sleep, wake, cry. for how many times, i dont even know. i was screaming, i can feel my neck stretching forward, like i have something stuck in my throat and im trying to blow it out. it must be pretty painful for a father to see his son suffer, in his arms, and there is nothing he can do, nothing he can say to compliment him. i screamed, then i fell asleep. i had a dream.
people always tell me, if you dream about something that happened to you, it must be serious shit. i guess i thought about it too much, it was too devastating to me. that night, i dreamed about mom. it was snowing. i have never seen snow before. maybe some, but from pictures or tv. but the snow was silvery. and thick. i saw mom walking towards me. and she stood there. i called for her, i stood underneath her. she never replied, she didnt even look at me. it was so cold.
the next day i woke up. mom and dad sat on the bed, with me sleeping in the middle. i woke up, mom hugs me. she said," your tear is so sweet". she said it in a very playful way, almost as if she was playing with me. but back then, i thoguht everything was over. everything was cool. i guess mom and dad are okay. i stopped thinking about it.
it turns out that. mom lied. that bitch lied to me. and to dad. she went out with another man. she told us she never slept with him. i dont know, i dont want to know. dad doesnt care, he doesnt give a fuck. they are seperating, he's just pissed.
people asked my dad and my mom, that they are divorcing, who is going to take the son. i wasnt there to hear it. but later my grandpa told me about it.
mom didnt want me. she sees me as a burdent. she wants to go marry that man, and i think she doesnt want me to bother them. well, when you dont love a man anymore, you'd probably hate the creation between you and him. i guess that's how mom looks at it. she didnt want to take care of me, period. dad took the responsibility.
when i was in highschool. i dont know what's gotten into me. i was an asshole to my dad. i dont know, i was rebelious as hell. i didnt want to talk to him, all his stuff are bullshit. i was starting to think that i wasnt even the son of my dad, maybe he picked me up on the street or something. dad was frustrated and sad. i remember, once, when i was being a real asshole to him. he told me.
"i dont know why im still your father. how can you be my son. this is not possible. when your mom's going out with that man. several times, ive picked the knife, i wanted to stab him, i wanted to kill him. but i didnt, everytime i picked it up, i thoguht about you. i put my knife down. if i killed that bastard, i am going to jail. your mother wont take care of you, and you are left an orphan. i didnt wanted that to happen. if you have never existed, that bastard would be dead long time ago"
dad had to swallow his pride for me. and yet i was an asshole to him. after i went to college, i realize how much i owe him. even if i cut my head off, it wouldnt be enough.
sometimes when i sit at night, and i close my eyes. i thought about mom. i thought about, going back to china, right now, and kill that mother fucker. i will fucking cut his face, and stab his chest until i am happy with it. then i thoguht about how im going to hide his body. i live in america, chinese cops cant do shit to me. i was really thinking about it. but then, that's not possible at all. mom and dad arent together for 9 years. but if one day i see that bastard on the street, i will fucking kill him, he ruined my life. he ruined dad's life. i dont know about mom, but she's pretty fucked.
i thought, if there is ever a time machine. i will jump into it, and go back, and kick that fucker's ass before my mom even met him. then i would think, continue to think. then i stop. and get back to my life.
i want mom to cook for me again. i remember there's this once she bought me a remote control car. it's nothing fancy, but to a poor kid like me. that was the shit. whenever i think back about how nice mom was to me, before she ran with that man. i want to cry again. it's a mixture of regret, anger, and disappointment. mom ran, she never looked back.
one mistake, fucked up the people you love, fucked up the people who loved you. momo ran, she never looked back.
i wonder, what my life would be if my mother didnt run with that man. and she stayed with dad.
i hate her, i hate that bastard. my roomate told me, when you hate a person, you are going into premeditating a murder. i dont want to kill my mom. i dont think i can stand it, not when im thinking about how she took care of me before she changed her heart. how she used to call me by my nick name Ching Zai, but i will, i will fucking kill that bastard if i ever see him. people tell me, dont waste your life over a bastard like him.
i dont know, if dad killed him, i become an orphan, i will die.
if i kill that bastard, i am going to get a death sentence. either way i still die.
but i guess i should have died long ago. but dad saved me, he took it hard, but he took care of it after all the shit. i feel like i should pay him back with the head of that bastard. sometime ago i thought i couldnt beat him, but i think he's growing old, i may have a chance.
i always remember, that night, i cried in my dad's arm. i cried like i was shot, shot all over my body, and that i am bleeding.
somehow, i thought dad cried too. but i couldnt see his tears, i didnt paid attention to him, i was busy screaming.
no, dad wouldnt cry. he told me, real men dont cry.
and mom ran with that man.

Episode 51: Walk on

2005-06-07T03:05:00.000-07:00

As the final week approaches, Andy becomes very busy. Fortunately, everything's planned out. Andy stayed up over the weekend to finish his assignment. Although the spirit is willing, but the flesh is starting to see its limit. The third term, which is the hardest term out of all three, has taught Andy many things. During his third term, he has made many new friends, and was able to obtain the "great knowledge". It all comes down to the final two weeks, where the first school year will end. Will Andy be able to survive the two weeks peacefully? Or will the path of his future be filled with thorns and turbulance?
Time will tell, though not without spirit and strength.
Rating: 14
Ch 3, Weekdays Midnight

Episode 50: a strange dream and grats to my friends

2005-06-05T03:04:00.000-07:00

had a strange dream last night (i dozed out, i know i shouldnt, but too tired)
it was this blurry figure that points at me and said
"love will come to you when you can whipe away other's tear"
i woke up, i was like, WTF mate? guess it was just funny random stuff, ahahah!

today is the graduation day for some of my friends who are still in highschool, good for you, welcome to the college club, free from highschool, no more jail house! you can do whatever you want! embrace freedom!
i keep it short, got more work to do.
grats to my friends. now prepare to die in piles of homework! AHAHAHAHA!!

Episode 49: sleep is not required, feel free to stay up!

2005-06-02T03:04:00.000-07:00

grr, only had 2 hours of sleep in the past two days, starting to get busy for the end of term, days are passing by fast, and hopefully i can get my stuffs ready and turned in, then follows with moving to another house, then going back home for 3 weeks...
i never look forward to things, it's a funny superstition, but here's why
ever since i was young, there's this superstition that i have, is, when i really want something to happen in a certain way, it always goes the opposite. for example, if i am really looking forward to meeting a person, trust me, it will suck.
so, even now, i always thinking of the opposite, but i guess it has nothing to do with willpower or anything, not that im telepathy, but let's just say, it's fun to think for the worst sometimes (more like all the time)

im pretty tired, maybe i will shut my eyes for a while, then get back to work or something.
nice.

Episode 48: computer crashed on me! that is not possible! NO!

2005-06-01T03:02:00.000-07:00

so i was working in class for the poster project... i was working hard, then all of the sudden, photoshop exits on its own, and the worst... i didnt save
damn! plug all my hairs out, screwed up big time.
so i ended up doing it all over again, but i dont know if i can still get the quality back, i really liked my first try.
remember kids, always save every 5 minutes.
anyways here's something random

Jill, "Jack, either you choose me... or Jenny"
Jack, "Jill... I..."
Jill, "I knew it... you just can't answer me afterall..."
Jack, "No Jill... I want a burger."

ahahahahahahaha, typical tv dramma scene is now sorandom and out of picture.
let's try another one

James, "Why do you betray me!"
Scott, "It's not my fault! The were about to kill me."
James, "They are after my family, you know that!"
Scott, "I had no choice but to tell them the truth!"
James, "Oh, so er... Hey you wanna go drinking tonight?"
Scott, "Do I, sure!"
James, "We need a designated driver."
Scott, "I can be your driver."
James, "Sweet, let's go."

have a good one, im back to writing my paper.

Episode 47: memorial day and for the dead fighters

2005-05-31T03:02:00.000-07:00

for the dead fighters!
i respect them the most, it takes great courage to sacrifice for your country, without them, america wouldnt be america today, and will we still be able to sleep safely?
i have a friend who's in iraq right now, i hope he's doing fine, and i want to see him return home in one piece.

it's too late to quit, for people who really want to stop the war, wake up, look at the situation, we marched in, we got rid of saddam, it's time to rebuild, restore that shattered nation. there is no sense quitting now, we must finish what we've started, and i believe it's for the right cause, i believe that many iraqis are thankful for what we've done, and indeed, to eliminate a dictator, the whole world should celebrate.

Episode 46: the battle continues, so far there's no winner

2005-05-28T03:01:00.000-07:00

me vs school at the finall round, it's about to end, and everything is going to get tight!

roomates been downloading shit load of stuffs, internet's so slow like im using 28k modem (in case if you dont know, 56k is the standard internet connection with the modem "your telephone line", 28k is twice as slow, if not thrice)

so.
ive been scouting on myspace and checking out people's picture, if i find a nice portrait of them, i will take it and make a cd cover out of it, so if you are lucky to have a big resolution portrait ready on your myspace, maybe someday a cd cover design of your face will be posted at your myspace!
^it only applies when i have free time

i havent blogged on myspace for a while, the viewing rate is slipping out of my grasps, oh no!
going back to work guys!

Episode 45: pick up your balls and move forward!

2005-05-25T03:00:00.000-07:00

hey! wednesday, half way through week.
the RA for our floor is doing a horrible job, instead of passing out room arrangement form, she goes around the door and asks if everyone's staying.
you see here's a major issue:
1. you cannot expect everyone to stay home and wait for you to come around
2. so far the form has been the most efficient way of doing room arrangement, there's no other choices
3. yes me and pat were in school so we missed it

but in the end things worked out, with EXTRA effort from both me, pat, the RA, and matt. but i look forward to moving in with matt and nick during the summer.
horrible, horrible decision by the RA, she should not repeat this next term, or else someone from our appartment is going to get mad (i am very unpleased)

the day is hot, the true summer is coming, but hopefully it wont rain like it did last week.
school is coming to an end soon, let's pick up the balls and move forward!
give it one last push, then come my vacation.

Episode 44: apparell design girls dont like me at all

2005-05-22T03:00:00.000-07:00

seriously, they dont.

in fact, everytime i pass by them they give me a stink eye like this

>:(

i didnt do anything wrong, not that my presence upset them or something (or maybe it is), i have no potential of becoming a rapist or whatsoever so cmon...
now the only explaination to this uprise of anger can be told as following
1: im sorry but, i know that my asian heritage is on the opposite side, but there's nothing wrong with an asian guy having blonde hair?
2: they are probably thinking "oh damn his shirt doesnt matches his pants at all...", you know, apparell design.

strange!

Episode 43: am i going back? answer is:

2005-05-22T02:59:00.000-07:00

yes im going back home for the inbetween breaks between spring session and summer session, i wanted to see my father and my friends the most. afterall it's been half a year since that i have left home, things have changed a lot i suppose.

i want to go home, and prove to my father that i am useful and that i have learned new skills, i hope i wont disappoint him

Episode 42: the sunny section, the rainy section, and the cloudy section

2005-05-19T02:59:00.000-07:00

the world's axis must have tilted bout 0.000000000001 degree, lots of stuff happened, people get screwed, people screwed people, our guys dying in iraq, all sort of things.
now someone tells me "as if we arent screwed enough"

no, we arent. really! the days are great and i frankly dont see how screwed we are in the current situation.

i find a little hard to try to communicate with people sometimes, maybe i have poor communication skills and social skills. or my poor social spotting skills are so good at finding people at their worst hours. more like
"oh hey! how's the weather up there"
"DONT TALK TO ME I HATE YOU"

wow, did i spit hot fire? :)

always keep an open mind kids, and remember to stay in school.
let's get on the geek news:

xbox 360 and ps3 are unveiled, late news but more like a recap. ive been hearing a lot of debate about which system is better over the net. frankly, whoever that joins the debate need to be shot. the systems arent out yet and you are judging the book by its cover. moreover, as much as i like to talk about the specs of the machines, they dont matter. what makes a console great is not only with its rawness in processing, also we must consider the GAMES.

man i need to start writing the blog more.
portland doesnt enters night until 9, i am so suprised. usually the threshould for me is 730, but i guess it's different up north.

to answer most people's question:
no im not going home for summer. what's the point? just going to waste another couple monthes NOT studying? ahaha that's a bit on the advocate side but i thought id have more things to do in school rather than staying home. as much as my parents would love to see me and i would love to see them, i turned down the offer. i handed in my summer term registration, so it's too late to make an U turn.

now if you get pissed at me for even staying in school, my life will come to a great confusion. because people usually get mad at me for playing and not studying, dont try to turn the table. :)

shower up, get the school going, a cup of coffee starts the day!

Episode 41: illed, illed, illed

2005-04-09T02:58:00.000-07:00

having a fever, been a day aleady.
dont want to type much, but watch out of spring flu everyone.

Episode 40: the same old faces all over, wait, one is missing?

2005-04-07T02:57:00.000-07:00

so today's wednesday!
how the hell is everybody!
greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeat!

i woke up, since class isnt until like 6:00, so i decided to put in my entire day to work on my nebulae, and i am still not finished! astroids are too tiny and too much to draw, i think i need to spend at least a week on that thing! plus the upcoming homeworks, i dont think it will be near completion anytime soon. but it will be done... it will, it has to.

and did a pretty stupid thing today, actually two.
i thought the class starts at 6:30pm, so i started cooking at around 5:30. but then class actually starts at 6:00, i was screwed. so i got to school at 6:15, then i was looking for room 315, and it turns out that there is NO ROOM 315, then i check my schedule again, it was room 375.

DAMN!
the argumentation and research class is pretty fun, got lizy, steve (YEA STEVE!! GO STEVE!), jen, jake, and some others that ive known, hopefully it's going to be fun, and the teacher is pretty flexible too.

walked home with lizy, portland gets freaken cold at night, and we agreed that DIGIMON sucks.
i wanted to play world of warcraft with patrick, and tried to persuade jason to play my 10 days trial (to get him hooked), but i logged on for only about 5 minutes, and i got tired, and i slept.

i need to eat more food!!
well kids, stay in school, that's until tomorrow's update.
later!

Episode 39: hi, tuesday update for second day in spring term

2005-04-06T02:54:00.000-07:00

caught a cold during spring break, still coughing right now, but it's going good, though felt like crap today in image manipulation class, it cant be helped.

second day in school yes! back to work everyone.
appearently, i can skip my image manipulation class and jump to advance image manipulation class. which had me thinking for a while that rather or not i want to jump to higher level.
i think i mostly will, because it's a waste of money that i have to take a class which teaches stuff that i already know. i know that there are more in photoshop that i must learn, but as for now, the teaching in image manipulation is too low.
besides, advance image manipulation teaches aftereffect, a cool ass program!

went home, drop dead because i was sick and tired, though matt came and loaded him a working version of photoshop, he downloaded a bad version which limits his use of hotkeys, but then, your problems will be solved when you are the "pirate king". (me)

woke up midnight, started painting some more on the nebulae, i will post the work once i am finished with it, which i think will take a long long time because i have to draw some astroids.
astroids are pain to draw, especially when they are coated with a layer of ice. the reflectivity is insane.

that's the input today!

Episode 38: hi folks, back on the page!

2005-04-05T02:54:00.000-07:00

Question: What happened?
I am terribly sorry that I wasn't really updating for the final weeks of my winter term and the springbreak. School was really busy and painful. The springbreak was just sleep and game all day long.

Question: What now?
I start writing again!

Question: Anything else?
Andy's BACK ON THE PAGE!

so yea, the spring break is finally over, last term was busy as hell, i barely had enough time to compile my animation of a facade onto a VHS, and i had to cram a lot of renaissance information into my brain to prepare for the final test (which i assume turns out to be a B, maybe A, slight chance). how is everyone doing!
spring term starts with my monday figure construction and 3d animation class. well, the drawing class is fun, the instructor is kinda funny, a good mood for everyone in it, and there are some familiar faces (mostly from game art and design major, yeah!)
talk about the intermediate 3d modeling and animation, here goes the challenge of the YEAR. Josh Jones, one of the baddest bad bad badass instructor in our school, with strict standards and tons of fun! josh is pretty strict when it comes to grading, he expects everything to be par with the industry standards (reasonable, agreed), but dispite all the strict requirement and frowny faces (no really he always smiles), his class is the most interesting, funniest, and most relaxing one. josh would tell jokes to relief the stress that we're getting (when you are working with industry standards, s-t-r-e-s-s). he hardly gives out A, but this is going to be the challenge of the year, let's see if i can get one out of him.

AND I WILL!! I MUST!

a lot of people have talked about sin city, which was released on the april 1st, just looking at the trailer, you can already tell that it's very graphical, and stylish, and indeed, of all the people ive heard from, they all agreed that sin city has really nice graphic. i was reading cnn the other day, critics praised the graphic, however, they thought that the story was a bit incoherent.
i dont know, going to have to watch it to make the judgement, maybe i will wait for the DVD release and download it
on the other hand, during the springbreak i was able to download Kung Fu Hustle by steven chow, a great action comedy, very very cool visual effects, and the jokes are getting better, it opens on april 18th in theatre, strongly recommend all of you to watch it.

that will pretty much be it for today. going back to work!
g'day

Episode 37: and so there is this, we missed it again : - |

2005-03-06T02:53:00.000-08:00

i woke up at around 1 today, and i thought we can go to the museum. it's saturday, good good saturday. and then we left at around 3.. and somehow go to the museum at 4:30... and turns out the museum close at 5 on the weekend.
NO!!! NO!!!!!
we missed it again, yes, what we suppose to do on friday is now officially pushed to sunday.
then we cruised the town, walked around the downtown area, and went to the mall.
funny there are so many hot chicks in the mall today (oh right, saturday, my bad)
and pat said
"man, they should be illegal to be so hot"
haha, right on.

we went to dollar tree to pick up some air purifier, now this time, they are staying in our bedroom only, they arent going to the living room, because it's too big for it to "purify"

i went home, continuing my painting, it's getting somewhere, i color the sky, trying to balance the color, appearently it's not working! (of course i dont have the mind of van gogh. but im trying my best to make the color balance each other out on the canva)

pretty tired tonight, i guess im not going to write much and get back to my painting.
but i have 10 views today, pretty average.
tomorrow man, we gotta go to the museum, we must!!!!
and it's left for tomorrow to determine, i will see you later.
:)

Episode 36: March 4th

2005-03-05T02:53:00.000-08:00

life is like a tv show, except there are no comercial break :) and there's no take 2.
i see everyone's life like a tv show, even mine too. everyday is a different episode, every little things that we meet, then we end up coming back for it, all the joining and breaking apart of people, what's better than the experience of being alive? you tell me :)

i woke up really late today, couldnt go to the museum, pat and i ended up doing our intermediate drawing homework. the day's been pretty slow and short for me (knowing how 'early' i woke up today), i guess tomorrow then!
i had to copy van gogh's style in my homework, problem is, he's a genius and im a learner. it's hard to understand how van gogh works, and since his use of color describes himself, that makes it harder for me to find what color i would like to express myself. not to mention that my skills arent up to his level (oh man, im no where near the 1/100th of his skill level)

so i starting painting a butterfly coming out of its cocoon. it's a long painting, and until late at night i could barely finish the butterfly, and some of the grass, and i have to add a background tomorrow, write up a critique after i visit the museum, lots of work!

tonight's battlestar galatica is great, and funny. friday's always been cool, since we all sit together and watch sci-fi channel for entertainment. it's a once in a week sorta thing, where we get to all watch our favorite show, not to mention the show is nail-biting :D

then i was thinking, wouldnt it be nice, when i grow older, i end up living in a village near the alp, a village full of kind residents, and good neighbors, and over there i can live with my love one. i would take my easle out, and paint the alp, paint the village, paint the little children chasing each other, paint the cattles, then i will go home, spend time with my wife, we will talk stories. then we will go to shopping, and there it is, the lady who owns the flower shop, always smiling at us. and on a cold rainy day, we will light up the fireplace, and i will paint pictures of my wife, of the house that we live in. and in spring, we will go to the mountain, and we will camp. in a hot summer night, we can sit outside of the house, talk about the days when we were kids.

i was fantasizing... and then i dozed off.
maybe my ideals of a 'good life' has changed, but before i used to love living in the city, i used to think that the city is so convinient, and beautiful. perhaps the artist side of me is rejecting it, because there is no art in big city, no art in concrete blocks, and they seem so cold, so predictable. unlike nature, which comes at random, full of colors, beautiful colors, vibrant colors, colors that you cannot find in the city. then i thought, if that fantasy ever becomes true, then maybe i will live my life without regret.

that's when i realize i need to get back to reality. im thinking way too far ahead :)
but it's still nice if that can be fulfilled

then my friend told me
"man if you thought that far ahead, your life is done"
true that, im missing out all the parties that i should be attending to, man! bring on the booze!

i gotta sleep now, i hope i can wake up in time tomorrow to go to the museum.
nice!

Episode 35: the auction! first print sale! Oh RIGHT!

2005-03-04T02:52:00.000-08:00

i forgot the room inspection was today, and it was... SO EMBARASSING!!!!!
this is how it went:
i barely remember that, me and pat were dead on our beds, then someone was knocking on the door, and it was... "Hello! Room Inspection". Oh good god of ANYTHING, we arent prepared, and we arent dressed 'properly', so i pulled my blanket over my head and rolled over, pretending to be dead.
well i actually went back to sleep right after that, and until pat told me later the day, our RA came into our room and looked around, took note, and walked out.

i woke up, showered, and checked my mail, FAFSA was processed! sweet, now let's hope i get better grant this year. then i text messaged pat, have him text me back when his class was done...
i met him at pizza schimizza, after we finished eating, we head to the school to check out the tsunami relief auction, and who can forget the open house!!

turns out we were pretty disappointed, the fact that only pat and i submitted art for the auction was uncool. and in a little conference room, with a small table, and the only artworks available for auction are ours. man, out of the entire school, only the two of us cared?

nobody really did came to the auction, but good news.
I SOLD ONE OF MY PIECE!! man! today is the day! my first time selling my art! and i remember there's this couple walking around the table, and the husband was asking, "honey, do you like this one?"
and so they put down a bid, it was 25 bucks. im pretty sure they are the winner, well i dont think anyone else have made a bid. but me and pat left the auction before it was finished so the result may be suprising, but regardless how much money that is, ive sold my first print! sweet! im sure my old man will be happy to hear this.

then we went home, i began my impresionist painting, trying to copy van gogh's style, using complimentary colors and brush strokes to enhance my image, this is going to be fun and painful at the same time.

ive got 35 page views today, holy macro! nice!
going to museum with pat tomorrow.
i will keep today's post short, i need some shut eye! :)
sold my painting!!! party!!!!!
g'nite

Episode 34: a very tiresome day, a very stupid way to work

2005-03-03T02:52:00.000-08:00

ive learned a really good lesson today.
if you dont drink coffee, dont bother staying up all night, because you will just crash and burn.
that's what happened, i stayed up all night working on maya modeling project, and when i got to class, boy, it was hell, i couldnt remember anything, and i was falling asleep. lesson well learned!
the modeling project was going pretty slow this week, because i had other projects to worry about, but it's getting somewhere, i'd say about 70one.
the renaissance study class was cool, we were issued the discussion of the final exam, sounds like a tough one, but since Dr. Brown will be handing out a study guide, i guess it's going to alright! going to have to pull some time out to study it.
then we talked about renaissance poetry, with a guest speaker. it was great, though im not a big fan of poetry, but im absolutely amazed at the development of science and art during the renaissance period, god damn, it changed the human history.

i went home, and drop dead on my bed, i dont want to think, just want to sleep, and funny i never dreamed today.
well it's incorrect to say that i never dreamed today, because we always dream, that's REM (rapid eye movement) im talking about. but i guess my body was so tired that i dont remember any of them.
i was thinking about it for a while, like how people tell stories of their dream that irrelevant things happen randomly and uncontrollably in their dreams, but all seem like they are in a sequence.
my belief is that, they didnt happen in a sequence. because those are fragments of memories that we collect when our body is resting, our memories may be shuffled, so let's say, if we dreamed of a cat running, then suddenly a beautiful sunset, that doesnt necessary tell us that what we actually dreamed was the cat running THEN the sunset, but perhaps there are something between these two scenes. i believe, our memories were chipped off and thus irrelevant things tend to come together when we recall our dreams. kinda like a film being edited, and randomly cut and pasted.

it's wonderful, that we still see images that we either like or dislike even when we close our eyes. if god did created us, that's one damn feature he created.

phil and maria came to discuss about the final project, but it wasnt productive, i had to wash all the dishes (well, because nobody wash the dishes around this place) to prepare for thursday's inspection, and i was starving. but now the project is taken into a new direction, me and Andy B. will produce a movie, while i will work on the script first, phil, zach, maria will follow our script and make a comic parallel to the movie but containing different subjects. let's hope this is going to work out, but as for this week, there is nothing i can do because Andy B. is not in oregon, i will just have to wait til he comes back from idaho to inform him the change in plan.

actually, it's a good change if you think about it, instead of everyone working on the movie, we are distributing the work and we have an extra piece to present to our audiences other than just a movie.

the auction for tsunami relief is going to begin tomorrow, in the afternoon. pat descideds to stay in school after his afternoon class so he can study a little bit and attend to the auction. i want to go to the cage and check out a camera so we can take some pictures of us standing in front of our pieces. (yes, patrick did submitted couple pieces for the auction, and i must say the quality is superb)

let's hope they get a good price :) and a good owner.
19 views today, good viewing, good viewing. i calculated a bit (this is pretty off, but i roughly put together the numbers), figure that i am getting average 10 views per day. good viewing! :)

i need to go to bank of america this week to switch my account, im sick and tired of west coast bank.

as for friday, me and pat are going to the museum!! :) it's for a project, haha, just when you think it gets a bit educational.

i want to sleep, tomorrow is a pretty long day.
gotta start my impressionst style painting before saturday, then i get more time to do my maya modeling.
:D

Episode 33: Hello! The the very first post with pictures included! a step forward!

2005-03-02T02:49:00.000-08:00

woke up late today, was a bit late to class, but i didnt miss much, group three was doing their lecture presentation for color theory. then i was working on my impressionist homework, bascially cut pieces of color aid paper and paste them into a 4"x 4" palette, the key here is to try to replicate the strokes the impressionist artists did to their piece, with accurate color choices!
sounds easy but it's rather hard, i spent about two hours working on it (except for the lecture presentation by group three, the rest of the class time was studio time, yay!)

after studio time i took some 'precious' pictures of my peers, let's not hesitate and look at "CAUGHT ON CAM" part 3:

:)

Mike is showing his teenage angst at his best, word up mike!

Holly and Cory didnt quite understand the word "cheese"

and you.. keep rocking, nevermind me

Phil... no dont get me started

digital cameras are handy but this is the first time i take silly pictures of people.

after i got home pat was there mounting his work into matt board frames, getting ready to submit to the auction. then he told me i should enlarge one of my best work and submit a bigger version, he said the small 5x7 versions are too lame.
so we went to kinkos... :)

then i spent the rest of the night, even now that im writing my post (im on a break), modeling my fascade in maya, which is my final project for introduction to modeling and animation. i dont think i will sleep tonight, (ho... damn) i want to get most of the modeling done and begin texturizing my work. hopefully that wont take long, then i can work on lighting, then render... yeah!!

tomorrow, :)
i hope you enjoy the silly shots of my peers, my post today is done, the break is almost over, i got 7 views today!! woot! thanks for the views.
work!

Episode 32: march first, spring is here, i saw it

2005-03-01T02:48:00.000-08:00

last night i went to bed late, only had 3 hours of sleep, it felt like a blink. seriously, it felt like nothing

i woke up, shower, and pat woke up, and it was school for us.
we were walking on the bridge, the trees are blossoming, those pinkish flowers look really beautiful, they remind me of sakura flowers, but it has a more violet color in it.

we went to school, the class begun with the usual critique, turns out my water color painting had plenty mistakes in it, also pat's painting had some atmospheric perspective errors in it too, but it looks like we have spent more time on ours.
then we had a guest who came in and exhibited his sketch books, i must say it's very impressive. although i am not a fan of his style, but it's definitely cool that he draws all his ideas out whenever they come to his mind. that man is brilliant.

ive got my homework back for the last week and the week before last, the charcoal figure drawing was 95/100, and the gouache painting was 91/100, sweet justice! sweet justice!! all the effort! this furthur justifices the idea of hardwork equals to good pay.

in the critical thinking and logic class, we discussed a lot about the If... Then statement, which was pretty easy, i dont know why people were having trouble trying to understand it, since we had a forumla to refer to, that's even more power to us.
although we did went off into a tangent discussing politics and gay marriage and what we can do to make our lives better by paying attention to every little things around us, but i rather not discuss them here because they are too sensitive, avoiding is the best tactic.

pat got sick later today, so he skipped his anatomy and movement class and went home for sleep.
it was cool and all, steve completely owned the critical and thinking class, so... i have nothing to say to that :) good job steve.

after school i went to utrecht and bough 3 frames, getting ready to sell some of my digital paintings for auction, the money goes to tsunami relief. but that's not the purpose, i wish that there are more people that can pay attention to my work. but it is rather shameful that i dont have enough time besides homework to work on my painting. maybe i can arrange that next term, maybe i can get couple pieces in my portfolio during spring break.

the saddest part has happened, RIP to my external harddrive. i took it to kinkos because some of my print out are stored on the harddrive, plugged it into their computers, and it didnt work... and i bough it home, realize that the USB plug was short circuited, but thankfully, all the information on the harddrive are still there, however, i will no longer be able to use it as an external harddrive. instead, internal :( now that's a bummer for the upcoming final project, it's going to be a pain! :( i cannot transport my projects and all informations to school computer using my external harddrive!!! :(

but thank god i have my ipod, 20 GIG! FINALLY It's TIME!

but i was still able to print out the pictures and framed them, they look freaken sweet, i hope someone will buy them in the auction! i persuaded patrick to donate some of his artwork for the auction too, so i hope his art will be sold for good.

very tired and troubled right now, my harddrive is not portable anymore, and i have to finish my final project for modeling class, man, this isnt going smooth as expected. i better get some sleep.
g'nite.
oh man :-|

Episode 31: saturday and sunday, the fun, and what the hell is that?

2005-02-28T02:48:00.000-08:00

i havent updated saturday (yes you may ask that i have a post for saturday, but that post was describing what happened on FRIDAY, i update at midnight so what you are reading is what happened the day before the actual time shown above, like i have explained in the previous post) , well i was busy that day, and this is what happened.

so i woke up at 2, pat woke me up, there was the girl next door wanting me to help fix her computer.
seems like sp2 update is screwing up everyone's computer, but just for people who are reading this, now here's my tip for you.

Before you update to SP2, you should visit www.microsoft.com and view some requirements prior to your update, i have heard from countless cases that, people who updated their SP2 from the windows updater are experiencing slow-down, lockup, and even force restart. i myself have tested it and i have experienced some compatability issues too. so if nothing happens to you after you have installed sp2, good, but if you are planning to upgrade to sp2, it's best to contact someone who's knowledgeble in computer science, more like your administrator, sp2 is a good upgrade, but you should always back up your files before you upgrade.

so i fixed her computer, straight to late at night, mostly running from my house to hers to bring softwares and test out her wireless adapter. i swear to god, 802.11B has a really really poor range compatability. the data transfer range is short, so that means your wireless adapter has to be really close to the router. (or it could be that specific adapter is having trouble). for all of you who are thinking about upgrading to Wireless networking solutions, think of the range and signal reception as a downside of your plan. i would still stick to Wired-internet connection, because i know i dont have to worry about data reception and radio frequency loss and all sort of problems.

and i just fell into the bed, and slept that night, i havent worked on computer troubleshooting for so long, it feels good when i get to work on it again, reminds me the good old time in high school.

sunday, i woke up around noon, got something to eat, continued on my watercolor project. since i didnt spent much time staying at home on saturday, i was mostly at my neighbor's room, so i didnt get to work on my project at all, but it was for a good cause. i finished up some of the little details of the painting, still looks crappy, and my excuse is:

it's my first time doing watercolor, excuse me please!

i saw oscar award tonight, dont want to talk about it, i was guessing with my friend jing over the internet about the nominees, turns out i was wrong for most of them... :)

i checked the views for my blog, 24 today, jesus christ, what happened? suddenly so many readers, god, felt overwhealmed. (i know some of you are probably laughing at my silliness while reading this, but it means a lot to me that when someone read my posts, it's like as if i have friends who are willing to listen) thanks to my viewers!
and this week, although i didnt updated much, but i still received 34 views total, and today reached the peak, 24 is the most ive gotten so far. ha! :)

i hope if the days arent so busy, i will find some time to make posts everyday. life is like a tv show, everyone are the lead actor/actress, also the supporting actor,actress for each other, missing a day means a lot to me, just like missing an episode of your favorite show.

tomorrow is monday, which means it's going to be the beginning of yet another exciting and busy week. the term is about to end pretty soon, but before that we have couple final projects waiting to be completed. spring break should be nice and quiet, my desk is pretty messy right now, it will be cleaned.

i need to get up early tomorrow, im hitting the sack.

nice going america!
damn!

Episode 30: friday, so soon

2005-02-26T02:47:00.000-08:00

i woke up at around 3 today, god damn, that was a good sleep, had a bunch of weird dreams but hey, it's okay!
i woke up and decided to work on my drawing on the watercolor paper, yesterday i tried to work on regular drawing paper, turns out they are too thin, then i went to utrecht to purchase couple sheet of thick water color paper. damn those paper are cool, with some nice texture on the surface, and thick.

so Andy B. came tonight, he wanted me to help him with his color theory homework, i gladly did and got it done rather quick, well it's not a hard assignment, but he's partially color blind so he needs a guide. that was okay. then i went to fix computer for the girls next door, woot, got the stuff done.

and i got 6 views today! my god! the views are increasing and it's unbelievable. thanks to my viewers, that makes writing something down everyday a fun thing to do.

i dont have much acquaintence of people who update their myspace a lot so there's not much of a read for me, they are just lazy, some of they only like to go around and view.

so i talk to my old man on the phone for a while, it's good hearing his voice. then watched the newest episode of battlestar galatica. man, friday is sweet. stargate sg1, atlantis, battlestar (especially battlestar), i cant wait to see the next episode.

i went online and ordered 3 gundam wing endless waltz model, dont know when they will arrive, but they are 1/100 in scale so that means they are freaken nice. not prepainted, but hey, i dont want to paint, too messy. i remember when i was young ive always wanted to own one of those, this time, 3 of those! bam! but i guess i dont have time for them, maybe spring break i can really enjoy building them, but as if now, nah. :) too bad.

tomorrow i shall head down to kinkos to print out my art work and submit them for the art auction for tsunami relief. also gotta head to utrecht to buy some black illustration board, going to mount the printed work on the matt board, that way it's a nicer presentation, maybe people will buy it. (but im not getting a dime out of that)

so this other day while i was shopping with pat, we stopped by at the canned food isle. and i picked up a can of sliced beets. damn it was a big mistake, i shouldnt have done that. i tasted some of it today, my god, they are crap. and i thought they taste sour or anything. damn!

going back to the watercolor painting, and i will see you all later.
more work, i am going to make it through this term!!! >:)
damn!

Episode 29: the days have been hell, sleepless hell

2005-02-25T02:47:00.000-08:00

i am so so sorry that i have forgotten to update my blog for 4 days straight, it's been really hard on both pat and i, the emotional stress was tremendous, because we have to meet up with deadline, it was fun in a way that our sense of responsibility was summoned up, and that we must use what we have learned, utilize our wisdom to the maximum. however, on the opposing side, it's just frustrating and tiresome, and i had gone 2 days without sleeping because of that. but it was the rush that ive been looking for, and finally, it's there.

well since this is a recap post of the past 4 days, i can explain what happened chronologically.

so it was monday *note, i write everynight after midnight, that means every post that i make is the recording of the day before its indication, so a tuesday release will depict things on monday* i went to school with pat early in the morning for registration, i was working all night long that night after i finished my color theory homeowork, i began to work on my maya building modeling project. so i woke pat up in the morning for registration. however, the problem was that our morning class starts 8:00, and registration starts 8:00, that means we will have to miss the first 20 minutes of the class. hopefully, that was only the critique of the homework assignment that we had so we werent missing much. but suprisingly, we got to school at around 7:50, and there's already a huge line of people, i guess they got to school at 7:30, damn.
registration went smooth, no hassle for both me and pat, and now we got the job done, and we headed back to intermediate drawing class.
suprisingly, my crappy wrinkled painting of my window got a pretty good rating, and so is pat's color pencil drawing. then later in the class we worked on the cubism drawing, which i dont think is important to write about.

then i went to sleep really early that night, woke up the other day to embrace color theory. it's a really happy day for me, because i finally get to find out her name. it's Holly, finally, i was too, embarassed (intimidated?) to ask, but during the artwork presentation she told us her name, and that's when i caught it. regardless my finding, i wont be joining holly's team, that ive decided, to stay with my team and work it out. afterall, i dont think it's appropriate, plus the fact that C.E. really wanted me to stay. it's too bad, but hey, me and holly can still be friends, if im lucky, i may end up seeing her again in my next term. anyways, the color theory class was pretty fun, and rather productive. then again, when i return home, i would put full concentration on my maya project. frankly, the beginning of this week was really intense on my modeling project, knowing that i was behind what i planned, i have to work and put in extra effort in order to catch up with the progress. thankfully, things worked out well, and by the time of wednesday, my model was half way done. and for the whole time, i went sleepless, and my body was in a desperate cry for rest, but i couldnt.

as for pat's part, he suffers a lot too this week, he tried really hard to model his building, but the lack of experience in modeling really did nailed him. i tried to help him as much as i could, sometimes it's frustration, sometimes im glad that i could help him, a mixture of feelings complicates the situation.

again, i didnt sleep on tuesday, that means on wednesday, my body had reached its maximum and began to decline. i can feel myself being weak, i guess my immune system was dropping. and i told myself, two more classes to endure.
after school was over, me and pat went home and i fell asleep, in my dreams, there were all the random things, i couldnt remember much, but i remember that, there is one that i had, i was trapped in a bus, along with many others, and i felt like the bus was on a slope, and it's sliding downward, and next thing i realize was that the bus slid into the water, i jumped up to try to escape, and then i couldnt remember the rest.

now that i finally caught up with the progress. i must say that ive had a lot of rush in these days, and i am still tired as if now. i swear to god, when spring break comes, i am going to seriously clean my desk, the house, and wash all the dishes, clean the kitchen, and do whatever i can to make myself feel comfortable. as if now, things are horrible around the house. very messy, but im hopeful, there are only 3 weeks left in this term.

zach got a job in the zoo, which is a bad thing for him, his grade is already dropping fast, and he's not even doing his homework anymore, a job means he's going to accelerate his failure. which, all three of us, show no concern.

today i stayed home to work on a little bit of my water color painting. nothing much happened and i am very tired to talk about it. i think i need more rest.

im growing a wisdom tooth, it could be a good thing, or bad thing. im old enough now, am i? but then, let's hope it doesnt hurt.
wow, my first wisdom tooth.
good night :)

Episode 28: late night with maya, i want my sweeties!

2005-02-21T02:47:00.000-08:00

today i woke up and finished my color theory assignment, and finally figured out how to make two hues to appear as one hue with color interaction effects. the key point here, is that we must understand, when a color is placed in a background of a lighter hue, the contrast of the lighter hue will make your color darker. otherwise, if you place it in a darker hue background, the color will appear lighter. that's the trick, so just the matter of finding the complementary color and the tinting and shading, it's very easy to make two different hue appear the same, this is also a very fun optical illusion.

so jason came back, he went home for the weekend, it was pretty cool, he brought back cool posters, i like the one that says "you suck and that's sad", with the pink bunny crying. also a poster of a pretty badass faerie-angel like figure, man, the house needs some customization, maybe after the spring cleaning (we intend to clean after we are done with our winter course, during spring break), i can go to kinkos to print out some of my work, and hang it at home, not to mention that i want to hang my old man's work too.

tonight is the first time that i had an argument with pat, well, it was a miscommunication, i was listening to my music and he was asking me if i could grab his 6 inch ruler for him. i was searching his table, he thought i wasnt listening to him, so he was yelling at me. then i returned with a question "is that the way how you ask people to do things for you?" then we kinda went on and well, we got back to work afterward, then things got settled down. i was hungry so i cooked for both of us, and we're okay now.

man, so stupid :)

then i was talking to jing about my dilema, well, not quite a dilema, but more of a "oh shit it's bad" situation.
it starts with my color theory class, we were assigned into different teams, and we gotta complete our final project, make a presentation or something, but the keyword here is "teamwork".

unfortunately, my team is consist of slackers, slackers, and slackers. so it was pretty hard on me, and the other Andy (yes, his first name is Andy too, last name Best, man...) because so far i think we are the two who are actually worried about the final project.
so since it's no way out, i asked my professor C.E (she doesnt want us to call her Minchin, which is obviously her last name) if i can switch to Mike's team (now mike's okay, and his team seems to be consist of enthusiastic members). However, C.E. advice me that it's best for me to stay in my team.
"who knows what's going to happen? they will have to pull it together, it's their grade too"
but then i know it's not going to happen, plus the fact that i dislike doing all the work by myself, it sucks.
but from what C.E. told me, i think she wishes me to stay, and she wants to see if i can get my work done.
not to mention the fact that each team can only have 6 members MAX, with me joining mike's team, that's 7, no go.
after mike discusses with his memberes, he told me that there's a girl in his team that doesnt come to class very often and is giving them plenty trouble, they decided if i want to switch to his team, they can kick her out and accomodate me.
lord jesus tells me that this is suppose to be nice, but on the other hand, here's the problem: If i leave my team and join mike's team, Andy B. will be left with all the work by himself, and i dont know how he's gonna pull it off, and i know it sucks when you have to work by yourself or you are taking 3x, 4x, even 5x the workload. i feel bad for him. Also, if i switch team, C.E. is probably going to think that im looking for easy way out, that means im going to lose my professor's grace. (ah shit)

now to add the extra variable, here it is.
there's this girl, who's in my critical thinking class and color theory class, who's on mike's team, who's very nice to me, and talks to me all the time. so i thought, damn, it's cool that someone talks to me actively, i mean, i would wanna work with her for my final project. better than working with slackers. besides, i dont even know if im going to have her for my next term knowing that everyone get randomly assigned to different classes or they choose other classes to attend to. but sadly, i dont even know her name. :(
not that im hitting on her (no), i just thought it's pretty cool if i can befriend with her, that's the extra variable.
now the score is KINDA even, we can weigh it out
Reasons to ditch my team:
1. slackers, slackers, slackers
2. c'mon, mike's team seems to have enthusiastic members
3. the girl who's nice to me

Reasons to stay:
1. C.E. wanted me to, i think
2. Andy B. is gonna left with all the work by himself, and i know it sucks
3. If i can pull it off, it's gonna be great, but on contrary, if i cant, oh man you know im going to hell

ive talked to jing, and he suggested me to stay, i mean, it's my decision, but he told me that he would choose to stay.
so i am still thinking, deciding, weighing all the reasons, and damn this seems to be a tie, and what's worst is that i still have to make a decision at the end, it's not like i can brush my shoulder and say "oh well, tie!"

enough with the dilema, im just going to have to wait and see, right now some of the reasons are just assumptions.

staying up pretty late tonight, i dont think im gonna go sleep, plus the fact that registration is tomorrow morning, first come first serve, i might as well stay up and work on my maya project all night long. (im far behind the progress, deadline is going to own me real bad)

so that's sunday, hopefully the coming week is going to give me enough time to catch up on my modeling project, man, it's time to BUST ASS.

ive written long enough, getting back to my project, bye!

Episode 27: the longest drive, to NOWHERE! :(

2005-02-20T02:45:00.000-08:00

it's true, i am already dead. man, this painting is killing me, i will never touch water color, or any color with traditional tools, it's too much of a pain, and it's got to go! my level of art is not good enough to handle color, let me stay with the value scale!
i pretty much want to bang my head to the wall. really.

for my entire day i worked on the painting, and now i am almost done, the color look like blocks and there is no freaking way i am going to get a good grading on this piece.... when can i get back to charcoal i wonder.

i dont think i am getting much sleep this week, finishing the painting, then the color theory homework, then i can finally get to work on maya for my modeling project. it's insane, but hey, this is school, i attend to school for work, not cruise!

but something made me feel good, i caught a really nice sunset today. while i was painting, i looked outside the window and i saw the most beautiful sunset that ive seen ever since i came to portland. i then messaged jen, telling her about the sunset, she agrees too. well, at least that took off some stress from me.

so i made a joke with my friend, it goes like this

get out you must: man
get out you must: i wish this random hot white chick will come into my room and set me free
get out you must: i so dont want to work on my project :(
Jing: define the parameter
Jing: of "set you free"
get out you must: i dunno
get out you must: depends on how you interpret it
Jing: well how do YOU
Jing: since you're asking for it
get out you must: maybe like
get out you must: well
get out you must: set me free like
get out you must: "andy, i know youve been suffering!"
Jing: like let you bone her right there?
Jing: or take you to dinner
get out you must: "oh shit man! you know?!"
Jing: or take you to play DDR
get out you must: "yes i do! now, take me!
get out you must: "oh yes! with pleasure!"
get out you must: then i guess she can say
get out you must: "you are so great"
get out you must: "i know"
get out you must: "im with you forever!"
Jing: so your idea of setting you free would be
get out you must: "cool!"
Jing: letting you bone her
Jing: right there
Jing: then get marry
get out you must: is that how you see it?
get out you must: i dunno
get out you must: but marry sounds kinda scary
get out you must: maybe just let me bone her and we can be together
get out you must: damn! random hot white chick
get out you must: probably all hang out at club with muscular guys played in varcity football team in high school
Jing: well
Jing: you did say
Jing: i'm with you forever
Jing: "forever"
Jing: usually means
Jing: marriage
get out you must: i dont know, when you say marriage, it brings up the image of like, child birth, education, etc etc, mid life crisis, running out of milk... man
get out you must: but it will still be pretty wack
get out you must: if right now
get out you must: someone knock on the door
get out you must: and happens to be t3h hot white chick
get out you must: then i gotta kick pat and zach out of the house first
get out you must: "yo pat, zach, here's 20, go out for a walk, A WALK OF ETERNITY!"
Jing: ROFL
Jing: ROFL
Jing: ROFL
Jing: man andy
Jing: should just
get out you must: ?
Jing: get 300 bucks out of your bank
Jing: walk down town
Jing: and just get laid
Jing: then you'll have all these fantasies
Jing: out of your head

unfortunately that is not gonna happen dude :)

anyways, pat's computer's been freezing frequently, dont know what he did to it, but he told me that when he woke up today he had a bunch of adware threats. funny thing is, i did help prevented him from installing any adware when i formatted his computer and i think his computer is properly immunized, and yet the adwares just keep coming back... they win, this time

it was late night and i was falling asleep, pat and i took a walk to the roof, trying to fresh up or something. bad mistake, i was wearing only my tshirt, and i ended up freezing my ass off. but i guess that helped kept me awake for a while, and until next time i want to go get some fresh air (i guess pat is probably going to be in bed anyways) i will have to remind myself to wear a jacket.

i could use a beer right now, just a little to boost work attitude. man! liquid bread! liquid bread!!!

random hot white chick, hahahaha funny stuff. this update is long enough, too bad i missed yesterday's update, sorry! it's time to get back to work before this goes terribly wrong.
g'night

Episode 26: as if painting is easy :( coming down with a cold

2005-02-18T02:45:00.000-08:00

so today i slept until 12... i dont call myself lazy, i think of it as... relaxation :) (although with the final projects approaching, what the fuck is relaxation again?)
so i went to school after i woke up, and i submitted my application for the E3 free passes, Dan (diretor for my major) told me that it's a first come first serve basis, sweet, that means the chance of me going to E3 is higher. hang in there kids, uncle andy's making things work!

then i talked to pat later the night, he told me his tax return is going to be roughly 800 bucks. Which means, he's been given two options. 1. Go to E3 with those money, dont worry pat, IM WITH YOU! 2. Take a remedial math class that's not included in his course list because he desperately needs math in his system.
he really needs some math credit, but the college math is too hard for him, in fact, he hasnt been practicing math for a long long time, so if he doesnt take remedial math class, then that means he's gonna rely on my tutor. and you know that's gonna cost him some... :)

after i checked out a digi cam from the cage, i went straight to Peet's coffee and tea and took some photos for reference for my final project, the other day was productive but stupid because i forgot to take an overall image for measurement, in fact, when i sit in front of my computer trying to model the wall, i had no idea how many windows were actually on the wall, until today. so, therefore, this is my Maya modeling experience for you:

Son, you always get an overall image of the object that you are modeling before you work on the little details.

and then i went home, god damn today's windy, my hair were standing up all the time. either that, or the level of static electricity that im generating is increasing.

i was suppose to take a shot from a window view and paint it for my intermediate drawing homework, but the sun was so bright (by the way today is a really nice day, the sun was out and there was hardly and cloud in the sky), i ended up playing FIFA Soccer 2005 until later the day when the sun's setting. then i took a shot, started working on the painting.

i dont mean to bitch, but digital painting is way faster, cleaner, easier than traditional painting. trying to mix color from just red yellow blue black white is just insane. the amount of color proportion is so critical, even a little toothpick of the different color can create a variation. not to mention the fact that, if you mix color using traditional method, it's VERY hard to get the same color again. you can get really close to it, but i dont think it's possible to get the same hue, value, and saturation again.

then i took a walk with pat because he sat there in front of the computer most of the time, he wanted to stretch. afterward, we cooked dinner, then he wants to go to safeway and pick up some milk and egg tomorrow. i dont have classes on friday anyways, so that'll be easy.
im not feeling well, i think i caught a cold couple days ago, i better take some medicine

i remember when i was in elementary school, my teacher would always tell me that, when you write a diary, dont write down what did you do exactly, that's just like a report, not a diary. so i guess this part is not about what i do today.
but it's hard when you sit in front of the computer, writing your diary, and try not to write about what you did today, afterall, even if it's a diary that you share with people, you would still want people to know what did you to today. of course, what my teacher meant was that she wanted me to write more of my insight of the world instead of "oh... i drank a cup of milk today...".
now, if i conclude that "today is insignificant, because i dont really have anything to say", then that's a day gone wasted.
before i left, my old man told me, before you sleep, think about what did you do today, did you learn anything? did you give something to others? what did others give you? if all three answers were no, then you are wasting your time, so you better straighten up.

it's hard when you ask yourself about "what you learned today". mainly because when you realize that you have learned nothing, you will start picking up little things, trying to fool yourself saying "oh i learned something".
but if you be honest, you will realize

"what i learned today, is not to lie to myself."

come on, we all learn something new everyday. :)
im going to bed.

Episode 25: cha ching! uncle andy is going to E3, maybe...

2005-02-17T02:45:00.000-08:00

i just got my email, woot baby! my director for Game Art and Design sent me a mail offering us the ability to attend to E3 (electronic... er something) for free!!! jesus christ, think about all the new video games we will be playing in there.

work work and more work, final weeks are approaching (in about... what, 4 more weeks?) and i have shit loads of final projects to do, almost one for every class. well, this is the time when you bust your ass and say bye bye to free time.

so i was reading the news, north korea's acting up, complete denial for the nuclear talk... man, those guys are probably tired of being alive, had to mess with the big guy. really, i dont see the point of which you must insist on threatening other nations to make yourself a good title, in fact, that would be a bad title. i really dont see the point of having nuke as a weapon for north korea, they got china and russia backing it, and north korea has a thing with america that the terrorist will treat them the least threateninig. so having nuke isnt necessary. damn kim, you should straighten up.

worked all night on my color theory project, looking at the color aid is a pain, there are so many colors out there, your eyes hurt after jumping from the complimentary colors, red, green, orange, violet... :(

im not even wishing for portland to snow, it's hopeless, it's already mid feb, and the temperature is staying at around 40, well, let's cross our fingers for next year, maybe we can have some more frost. earlier this year in Janurary there was a frost. all the trees were frozen, leaves, grasses, the ground, that was really cool. frankly, never seen such natural events before, knowing that i've been living down south ever since i came out of my mother.

woot! 2 views today, although comparing to before, it's pretty weak. :( (I used to have 4 views per day! no lie!) i guess the days when i forgot to update turned down some of the viewers. god damn, this is what happen to you when you dont update.

you know, when i was young, i saw people crying while they watch a touching movie, i used to think to myself that how can i cry when watching a movie. it's just a movie right? but i guess i was wrong. i still remember when i finished watching big fish, my eyes were wet. so dont be fooled, things can happen to others, and so is you. it's harder than you think when others tell you to put yourself in other's shoes. slowly, you too can learn to feel for others, but it's best to avoid making the same mistakes.

pretty long update today, it's time for bed. no school tomorrow but i still have to run back for some errands, going to finish the painting for intermediate drawing tomorrow, keeping it real.

yep

Episode 24: hello tuesday! cold as hell

2005-02-16T02:44:00.000-08:00

yea i had to suffer about two hours of cold out in the opening today, because i need to take pictures for my animation and modeling class. jesus christ, it was like 40 something degree, but the wind chill was horrible.

didnt really get a good sleep on monday night, because i had to stay up all night to work on my color theory project, turns out it's not even due til next week, bummer, my life is so tied to unnecessary hardwork, but then, now that i have it done, i dont have to worry about it anymore, plus the fact that i am pretty satisfied with the result.

i talked to C.E. about switching group and joining Mike's group for color theory final project, but she kindly (kindly, notice, it's so opposite of her) rejected me. im not implying that she is a mean person, but she is very strong and hard outside, i believe, and she certainly does have a very high standard for her students. teachers like that, are tough to handle, but once you get to know them, and they get to know you, it's enjoyable, i just hope that i wont piss her off in the future, hope it will be smooth sailing.
yep... kinda like a teacher's pet, but i dont want to get into a fight with my teacher/professor, even if they are totally wrong, but i hope that i can make room for understanding, and so are they.

so after color theory class, dropped off my stuffs at home, and went to take pictures for texture and reference photos, god damn, Pat finished his long time ago, he took about 50 photos, since my project is actually bigger than his, scale wise, so i took twice as much as he did, 116 pictures. they all contain the structure of the assets that will be included in the scene which i have to model in Maya, and some textures to go along with. this is gonna be fun.

had a really good night of relaxation tonight, played house of the dead 3 and fifa soccer 2005 with Pat on my computer, gotta love multiplayer coop games, they are so fun, because each of us can look out for each other, and when something goes wrong, someone is there to take the blame! just kidding, cant wait til halo 2 arrives on PC, let's cross our fingers about multiplayer co-op mode (most likely not, if they dont have it for xbox, why PC?)

so i thought about a trip back to china with my friend, but since i dont have time during the summer, and they sure as hell wont go during christmas, that plan is being pushed all the way until i graduate. ive, never been to a tour trip with my best friends, just thinking about all the crazy stuffs you can do, but because of budget problem, i think i can rule out Japan as one of the stops that we will be making... maybe im thinking too much into the future, god knows if i even have any money for living in the next 3 years.
people suggest me to find a job, not that i dont want to, i have worked in school before (though the paycheck was tiny, and i still havent received it yet), but taking 5 classes is pushing the limit, time management is going to be so much of a hassle. However, if i can get a job at the school, a stable one, maybe that's much more better than just going out to resturants and work. im worried about not being able to complete my homework because i will be so tired from work, and every student should damn right spend at least 2 hours on each of his classes when they are at home.

going to bed, got blood shot, this isnt good, tomorrow is going to be long... god damn!
ah, sweet.

Episode 23: my christ, 7 days! just a week, damn midterm!

2005-02-15T02:44:00.000-08:00

been really busy the past week, didnt get to update and plus the schedule problem, it's just so easy to forget to update my myspace. well here it is, the latest news.
happy valentine to you all. they should make a holiday for the geeks, that'll be cool.
midterm result was out long ago, but i forgot to post it.
in my color theory class, my midterm exam grade was 82

Episode 22: everyone, meet midterm, midterm, meet everyone

2005-02-08T02:43:00.000-08:00

jesus christ... midterm today.. posting it before i go to midterm, now let's pray that i get an acceptable score.
studied all night!! PLEASE BE AN ACCEPTABLE SCORE!!!

midterm on color theory, assigned by the infamous hardk0r3 (hardcore) instructor, with super high standard and a killer attitude and an attitude to kill.
and portland is still grimmy as usual

right after the class, will go pick up my fedex delivery, it's time for a 500W power supply BABY :D
well, the midterm is important because it's worth 20

Episode 88: to recognize

2005-02-07T03:26:00.000-08:00

when i was a kid. things got rough.
mom doesnt love dad, dad gets frustrated, chairs get thrown around (im not kidding), hair pulling moments, sitting in the corner all depressed. i think ive seen the worst faces of a broken marriage.
dad couldnt take care of me, because he's busy working and everything, since there's no woman in the house, mostly i would be living with my gramp, gramm, my cousin, and aunt.
my cousin's a spoiled guy, but i really love him. because he understands how harsh life can get sometimes, and he never bitches or whines. probably because of good parenting. he's real honest, let's just say, he lives a good life, a relatively better one. i suppose.
my aunt's a typical housewife. a really typical to the typical woman. who cares for her son and everything. she's down to earth, unlike my mother, who loves perfume, clothes, and karaoke. my aunt would sit at home everyday, cook for the family, taking up the traditional role.

my family didnt liked me much. living in the city, being away from my grandpa and grandma. the bond isnt as strong as my cousin who lives with them. though gramp loves me to the boot, which always bring back good memories of him. grandma always whine about not being able to take care of me like how she had taken care of my cousin.
living with them makes me feel like an alien. somehow, the feeling of "you shouldnt be here, you have a home" lingers. maybe im taking it too extreme, but for a while i was waiting for them to tell me that.

everyday, my aunt would go wake my cousin, and he would take quite a while to get up, and she would tell him jokes and tickles him to get him up. then she would put clothes on him (i left china when i was 13, last time i remember she still does it for him, something like that). then as soon as he finishes brushing his teeth, breakfest would be served. and believe me, they taste good.

to most of them, im just a motherless tag-along.

what makes life so interesting, so amazing. is not wealth, not women, not achievement, not anything.
life without recognition, is death.

since the day you get your name, you are destined to be recognized. everyday, we recieve recognition, either from the mailman, from your classmates, your instructors, your neighbors, or the bum that you always give your chumpchange to. they recognize you, and it makes you feel good that somehow, out of those billions, some people knows you. there're someone out there to acknowledges to your existance.

can you imagine what it would be like, if you suddenly passed away, yet no one seem to care?
that's like the bums on the street, shivering every night in layers and layers of towels, making friends with rats, cockroaches, and drug addicts.

life's like a MMORPG. you can get so far with just yourself soloing, but there're times that you really need to get in groups, do it with someone together. one person cannot change the world, this shit's gotta be group effort.

sometimes i want to cry about all the ignores i recieved from my childhood. (im not ashamed to admit it) i should of had at least something.
but what's done is done. and the best way to patch the hole, is to start doing it yourself.
say good morning to your mailman, greet your neighbors in the hallway, tip your hat, be nice, encourage your friends, ask your coworker about their weekends, invite friends to movies, do whatever you can to recognize the people around you.
because even the slightest things you can do, like calling out someone's name, can be the biggest recognition someone can recieve.

we're people living, breathing, working for a living, making your dreams come true. we're not paper cutouts that you put behind the stage, we all have a face to identify, a name to be called.

people bitch, and moan about what they missed. and when the bitching and moaning ends, are they going to do something about it?

i honestly dont want anyone to live through a childhood like mine.
that's why i wrote this.

Episode 21: no updates? 2 days? im going to hell!

2005-02-05T02:43:00.000-08:00

oh crap, i forgot to update again, maybe because i was too tired
my 200gig harddrive came in on wednesday afternoon, now i have to format and install windows xp sp2 on it. way to go keep your software up to date. i strongly advice all my friends, and everyone that i know who is using windows xp to update their software to Service Pack 2, it's for security measure and it makes your windows xp runs the way like how it should be running.

anyways, security, just like what you saw in my profile, i am also a firefox supporter!

on with school, the color theory lecture was a blast, and i blew everyone away with so many information, they all went into a coma! :) and the last minute power point presentation was so boring, in fact, they would probably hate me for being so boring! it's just so hard to find anyone who loves the things that you do... why is everyone so tight?

pat's silver case came in with the harddrive the same day, helped him installed his board and everything over, god that thing looks so good now, it actually looks good with the monitor, and best of all, he has a side panel again!

looks like the wrath of winter is not over yet, hurray! temperature has been dropping lower than 36F, it would get really cold at night *which is a good thing*, and warm in the afternoon. hurray! chance of snow? you know, im really thinking about it.

turns out i got an A for my bouncing ball maya animation project, woot for the team, and now, i wanna nap.

Episode 20: late night notes, coffee, and lecture

2005-02-01T02:42:00.000-08:00

went through the intermediate drawing class today, was totally owned by my professor on the point of duller color is best used for closer object, turns out that, darker objects should be in front, lighter objects should be in the back, and brighter color objects be in the front, duller color objects be in the back, therefore the usage of color and value to display the illusion of space is completely... inversed!
then the critical thinking and logic class is even better... my assigned, well i dont think it's appropriate to call it assigned because i personally picked the specific topic.. i am on the anti medical marijuana debate team
seriously, why weed? dont we have painkillers? or just bunch of excuses to get high? not that im not being sympathetic to those people dying at their death bed, but how the hell can the government regulate the use of marijuana once it's legalized medically? that's the biggest question mark on everyone's mind.

i suppose it's much more, relaxed subject than gay marriage

staying up real late tonight, drinking coffee... jogging down notes from the color work book, wootie! tomorrow is the lecture for the color theory class. and i pray to god that if i can finish all my notes tonight and get a good read of the chapters, please! at least let me speak so all the effort wont go down the drain. but i do realize that even if i dont get a chance to present my understanding, those notes that im taking will probably fall under the category of personal benefits, either way it works out, i think.
fixed some minor computer problems for the girl next door, feels like superb! :)
im amazed that the view rating is increasing lately. it's tuesday and ive already got 8 views total in this week, BAM! that's like... 4 views per day, woohoo, bring on the booze and celebrate for the dramatic increasement of my view rating!

wonder how my old man is doing back home, from the phone call he told me that he spent some time making himself a table from scratch, wish i could be there to help out.
but then, letting him know that im alive, is probably the best that i could do as a son away from home.
god damn

Episode 19: once again in the most painful position, damn my ribs!

2005-01-30T02:42:00.000-08:00

yep, i had to draw humanoids, and you know damn right i cant draw humanoids, i cant, i dont know why, maybe this mystical power that governs my skill tells me that i cant draw humanoid for shit!
no, i lack practices. plus the fact that i had a poor development of the understanding of human anatomy, here comes the most difficult project :(
sat there, thought about it for a long long time, i just cant draw human figures, it's so hard, the head isnt in proportion, so are the arms and worst of all, the fingers are all wrong. :(
another tragic event, the desk is ruined...
yep, taught me a good lesson when father's art work slided off of the desk, i was too lazy to nail the frame onto the wall, so it was just stacked around the desk, and when the frame falls, so is everything in its way, now the desk is a total chaos, i dont even know how im gonna clean it up...
but hey, alas it's sunday, it's time to bring on the pain of all day work :( but wasnt i doing that couple days back already?
oh shit, imma go on my way to become a successful person! starts.. now!
nah :)