Episode 103: Father and Home

it's week 10, insane week? you know, the longer i am in college, the more i dont want to follow the trend of "panicing at the end of the term". so, people, calm down, the world's not going to end.
there is no need for panicing, really, if you know you're good, you're good. my dad always tell me this.
"you think you got shit all piled up huh? but remember, every stroke you put down, this means you are THIS close to finishing everything. and you know what, you dont have to redo that stroke."
thanks dad.

speaking of which. monday, had a really bad nightmare. it's the worst, i dreamed of my father dying. now, i mean, you can throw me all sorts of nightmares, and i will forget about it later. but dreams of my dad dying are always there, and they are the most vivid ones.
it started really blurry, like all of my nightmares. (you know, im noticing a pattern here). then i heard from my uncle that my father's dying. suddenly, im at my grandma's house. it's an old three story house. and i was at the first floor. i quickly rushed to the third floor. but it didnt take long, it was like a snap, and im at the third floor. but now im at the balcony.
in front of me, is a red sun setting. i dont know why, but im not seeing my old man, but my eyes are soaked. i think i was really crying, nonetheless, it felt really bad. like you just lost a part of your body, except it's not physical pain. more like your heart's being pressed...
then the sun slowly disappeared, i saw my father lying on the bed. he was quiet, and i saw the bullet hole in his stomach. but he was resting in the bed peacefully, there's no sign of pain or torture on his face. and i thought to myself, at least it was easy on him... but i couldnt stop crying.
then suddenly my father coughed, and water came out of his mouth, he's awake.
i was suprised. "but dad, what.." i was totally shocked, how can dead people cough... and his eyes were wide open, as he stares at me, i walked closer to him.
dad gave me a smile, but he seems tired. and he told me slowly.
"i wasnt dead, i was just resting, took a shot, but i think i will be okay"
i replied nervously, "but dad, let's go to the hospital, you are wounded."
just as i begin to speak, father's guts begin to leak from his bullet hole. i knew he was lying. i knew he was dying. and i went berserk. i tried to stuff them back into his stomach. and my hands are soaked with his blood. and i stuffed, stuffed, and stuffed, but they kept leaking out. my eyes are now drown in tears, and the only thing i remember, was begging, please dad, dont die, please, dont die.
i woke up, i realize i was speaking in my dream.

there has been times that i felt like giving up. i felt like shit, dirt, or whatever. times that i really am not sure what im doing. times that i just want to toss everything out of my hand, and say "screw it", walk way. no one will probably care, no one will probably ask. but i know for sure my dad will. and whenever i think of giving up, and i close my eyes, dad's there.
funny because my old roomate once told me, rebelious kids always turn out to be just like their parents. i dont know, am i like my dad? though, i wish i could be like my dad, even a tenth of it.
maybe it's the beginning of week 10, maybe my body felt like i need to see father again, kinda a way to remind myself not to give up easily. i promised him im gonna buy a house in the mountain for him so he can paint landscape everyday. though i dont know if i can really make that promise, but i am still trying.
but as soon as i woke up, damn, i missed my old man.


whenever i see pictures of space shuttles. i always feel like im standing on the edge of this planet. and one more leap, im out there. i dont know, there's always this feeling of something really grand, something really, mysterious, something totally awsome. and whenever i see space shuttles, all i can think of is earth. and all the hate, all the tiny little things will be forgotten.
in a cheesy, but funny way to say it, it's kinda like "we are human, we represent ONE".

though i would love to visit space in my life time. if not, hopefully space traveling technology will be advance and open enough so that my ashes can be scattered into the orbit of earth. perhaps that way i can continue watching this blue planet.

the planet that we all call "home".