Episode 102: dont blame your old self, blame the ugly snails

went drinking and watching movie with friends and ended up crashing over. had a really weird dream, it was real, and horrifying.
again, everyone's in my dream. at least i could tell everyone. everyone that ive met, everyone that i know. it seems like there's a party going on. and things went wrong from then on.
there're these really gross looking snails crawling around the house. their bodies are covered with tumors and layers and layers of skins. they're about fist big, and they are crawling on the walls, around the fridge, and around desks, chairs. they are slow, but every move they make, are very precise, seems like they can think, and they think just as smart as us.
and suddenly, they disappeared. i dont know how i know this, but somehow i know they are hiding somewhere, like they've turned invisible...
and every one of my friends, begin to turn small, and they begin to shrink, and they are screaming, some in pain.
"dont touch the snails, they will make you shrink." one of my friends say to me.
i forgot what happened, but i remember i wanted to open the doors on the fridge, turns out there was one hiding inside, and i touched it.
and i swear to god, i was rolling on the couch, it was horrifying. not only i was shrinking, my body was iching. there're red spots all over my body, and they slowly became bruses. and i kept scratching them.
it's not the kind of itch that's skin deep, but it seeps into your soul, like your whole body's itching, and there's nothing you can do to stop it, and i continue to shrink.

then i woke up, my friend woke me up, he had to go to work, and i mentioned to him that i was going to go to school to work on editing projects. glad he pulled me out of this nightmare. i dont know, ive been having a lot of weird dreams lately, perhaps finals are catching on me, oh no...


at some point in our lives, we recieve enlightenment. my friend told me. it may occour in 18, then 25, who knows, maybe 40... and it's a series of enlightenment. it's not limited to only once.
and when that happens, there're two ways of looking at things. most of the time, we look back and curse and scream, saying how wrong, retarded, wasteful, stupid, ignorant, so on so on and so on we were like back then. like looking back in the kindergarten days, it was stupid to get into a fight, it was stupid to not listen to my teacher, it was stupid to eat grass and the list goes on.
but that's not how we should look at it.
another way is to reason, to think why we were like that. because of what what what condition, we thought that way, and because of what what what happened, we acted differently.

and to think about it, we are who we are. it's like growing a plant, the tree wont tip the other way in an instant. it's through everyday's growing, there must be something shaping the tree, someone pushing it everyday, something hitting it everyday. same to our personality and the way how we deal with things. we evolve everyday, things that happened to us, changed our perspective. and to think that whenever we recieve enlightenment, we look back and blame on our old selves is silly. rather, we should be thankful, or somewhat relieved temporarily that without those foolish acts, there wont be the 'enlightenment' today. and reason why i quoted it, is because there might be another enlightenment ahead of us, ready to prove us wrong again.
when we are enlightened, it's like we've crossed the river. and now we're faced with new landscapes, and to look back on the other side of the river, things sure are different.
you cant say the more enlightenments we recieve the better we become. just because we are enlightened, or should i say 'corrected' now, doesnt mean we've been corrected in the right way. i might be enlightened today on the fact that a gun is a quicker way to kill someone rather than my fist, but that doesnt make me a good person. however, it's always good to know more things.
i dont know, but for the longest time, my guess is that, the more we know, the better we handle situations. either in studies, or socializing, or, for example, killing people. (of course, killing people is not on my list)
but trying not to blame on your old self doesnt mean you can toss whatever in the past out of the window. you gotta realize why was i not correct, and what caused it. if i touch fire, and it got burned, i am now enlightened, but that doesnt mean i should forget the whole fire incident. because if we dont, we'll be burned again. thankfully, because we are enlightened, that automatically takes care of 50 percents of everything.

(edit: somehow the post got cut off here when i edit it again. weird, but last word for the day, hope you will soon find your enlightenment!)