Episode 100: the crow and a dream out of control

far away from our homes, in the region where it snows days and nights. a crow drifts in the wind, lost, but hopeful. it opens its snow-covered wings, and sets out on a journey to find happiness, warmth, and acceptance.

arent some of us like that crow?
but it doesnt matter how hard it's snowing, how tired we are, and how far are we away from the light that warms our heart. we continue to drift every day, every night, drift in the cold winds, and sometimes with suprises. and the crow continues to travel, it sees beautiful landscapes, heart warming sunrise and sunset, but it also sees the ugly sides of nature, it sees bloodshed, it sees tears and rejection, it sees death. and if the crow slows down for even a second, death catches on, and consumes it.

the idea i guess is to keep flying, keep hoping, finding, and hanging onto that thread. there isnt much you can do when you are caught in a snowstorm, but if you want to survive, you have to keep walking. and you raise that lantern in your hand, you walk tentatively, hopefully, within seconds, minutes, hours, days, monthes, years, decades, you will find your way out...

had a really horrible dream last night. woke up, felt like shit.

it was blurry in the beginning, but it becomes clear later, that someone's been killed in my dream. and everyone that i have met so far in my life are all around me, and for some reason that person who's been killed is a very important one because everyone's trying to figure out who killed him. (if i remember correctly, it's a he). and one of my teachers opened the note in her hand, this is when the dream goes wrong.

it's my confession, of the killing...
wait a fucking minute, WHAT THE FUCK? i killed someone? how the fuck? why the fuck? wait.. WHAT?! but the me in my dream was really calm, and sad. it felt like i really did it, and im not ashamed to admit it, but somehow i felt sorry for what ive done.
then everyone looks at me, with disappointment...
next thing i know, i am jailed, and i was waiting for my trial. it was horrifying, knowing that you did something wrong, and very soon you will be put in front of everyone, and they will scream at you, they will cry, they will mourn the dead, they will insult you, and god knows what else is waiting for me...

i remember this clearly, sitting in prison, holding the bars tightly, i did not want to face those people on my trial. i was panicing, i was sweating...
from one moment when i was not ashamed to expose my crime, to fearing the voices of everybody...

ive decided to take my life before the trial starts.

i knew the trial is starting soon, i dont want to go to trial, either way i will be given a life sentence, instead, i wanted to end everything. then i started looking for ways to kill myself in the prison.
cutting myself is hard, stabbing myself is harder, biting off my tongue and bleed to death is painful, there's no rope so i couldnt possibly hang myself, so what's left is poison...

really, at this point, i lost control of my dream.
sometimes when we dream, we become watchers, instead of participating in your dream, you watch your 'other-self' participate. however, in this case, i myself was really participating it, and it felt so real... and for a moment, i really felt that i need to take my life in order to escape all those pressure.

suddenly, in my prison cell, a bunch of mixed up pills and capsules appeared. (trust me, miracles appear in dreams, like, instantly)
next thing i remembered, i was swallowing all sorts of pills and capsules, stuffing my mouth with everything, anything. i dont care what they are, i need to overdoze, i need to die before my trial starts, i need to escape from this place.
and slowly, everything fades to darkness, i couldnt feel anything, "was i dead?" i thought.

i woke up (i fell asleep in my dream, how screw up can it get?), and realize my mouth is stuffed with pills and capsules, it turns out i couldnt swallow all of them at once, but it felt horrible, and the prison guards dragged me out of my cell, i realize it's too late to plan on suicide now, the trial is starting. my eyes are fixed on the floor, saliva slowly drips from the edge of my mouth, i was dirty, my clothes are covered with mud, though i couldnt smell myself, but i guess it was pretty bad.

the trial started. my ears are bombarded with cries and howls of the saddened and the angered. "why did you kill him!" "he was a good person!" "you scum" etc etc. funny thing is, people are not only screaming in english, but some are screaming in chinese, and the voices gathered together, like a big hammer, crushed me.

i finally woke up from this nightmare, it was b-a-d, bad. i cant imagine what murderers have to go through, i guess they must feel ten times, if not, hundred times worst than how i felt in my dream.
you know, we all joke about killing someone at some point of our lives. but after having that dream, im going to have to seriously ask you.
"do you want to huh?"

im kinda glad that there is no way we can die in our dreams, but that's horrifying, you're like a zombie, you wont feel anything... hopefully, when i close my eyes again tonight, there'll be something better that awaits me.

i wish.